How To Have A Great Holiday Season: Get Out Of Your Bubble

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-Post by Foster Mom

This Holiday season I am left feeling very thankful, hopeful and angry.
Before you start painting me green and calling me "the Grinch", let me explain.

I'm thankful for the birth of a Savior.
I'm hopeful in a God who can turn circumstances around,
but I'm sometimes angry when He doesn't.

I'm thankful I have hardworking, moral parents without addictions clouding their judgment.  I'm hopeful that  M's Bio Mom really is changing...
and am angry at all those abusive, addicted, selfish parents that are stealing their children's innocence.

I am thankful I live in a country with resources
Hopeful for opportunities
but sometimes hate that we live in a culture of superfluity, where media is in your face
all
the
time.

It can easily consume our every waking moments and cause us to miss the important things...


The reality I was living in for so long has been torn up these past 6 months.

All because I decided to become a foster parent.

It's opened my eyes and has helped me see outside of my safe, little bubble.

I'm learning to be more "in the moment" and aware.

Aware of the aged-out foster youth who doesn't have a family to spend time with over the holidays. (TRUE STORY)

Or the person living in the United States, who is stuck in a brothel, forced to barter sex for mere pennies and their dignity (TRUE STORY)

I'm aware of the tragedy of children soldiers (TRUE STORY)

and that domestic sex trafficking is real (TRUE STORY)

I'm aware that the majority of our yummy Christmas chocolate comes from a child slave (TRUE STORY)

and I'm aware of a mother who attempted to sell her little baby girl for drugs
a town over
from where I live.
I am thankful she was caught.

All of these horrible tragedies...is a person's reality.

In the midst of a busy Holiday season as we get swept up in the consumerism of things...I challenge myself (and you, if you're interested):

• To be thankful for the blessings in your life
• To slow down and notice the unjust in our world
• Get angry and passionate enough to make a difference
• Be hopeful that you can make an impact

It's time as individuals we start to think globally, rather than being led by consumerism and the "traditional" ways of the holiday.  

Here are examples of ways you can make a difference this Hanukkah/Christmas/New Years Eve/Holiday Season:
Volunteer to help youth who aged-out of the foster care system
Educate ourselves about the Orphan crisis 
Buy slave free chocolate
Help save a child soldier
Pray for those stuck in brothels
Buy a sex slave to give her freedom*
Give back and volunteer in your area

*I'm not really suggesting we all go buy sex slaves. Read the linked article - it's educational and challenging.

How are you giving the gift of a second chance this holiday season?

Readers' Questions: Felecia's Answers (Part 3)

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Meet Felecia and read her story (Part 1)
Our Q&A with Felecia (Part 2)
The goal of our Q&A is to help educate people and bring awareness towards the issue of youth aging-out of the foster care system. A while ago our readers submitted some questions to Felecia, a young woman who aged out of foster care. M, our 4 year old foster daughter also had some questions. I'm honored she took the time to answer all of our questions and yours. So thank you, Felecia!! 

 Q from M: What happened to your mom? 

Q&A with Felecia (Part 2)

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We had an amazing opportunity to pick the brain of someone who aged out of foster care and ended up homeless.  Her responses are honest, raw and will tug at your heart...

Take the time to read the response about her feelings towards her bio family and how her relationship with her dad was repaired. It's a beautiful story of forgiveness and grace.

Meet Felecia and read her story (Part 1)

Check back tomorrow for the conclusion and part 3. She'll answers our reader's questions.

Q:  What's your earliest child hood memory?

Felecia's Story: 19 & Homeless

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(Intro from Foster Mom) We all have a story. Felecia's story is filled with heartache, abandonment and pain.  She's overcome adversity and has yet to give up.  I'm honored to feature such a courageous woman on our blog.  My hope is that her story compels you to take action against whatever obstacles are standing in your way. Or better yet...may her words challenge you to reach out to the homeless youth or foster children in your community.

This is the first time she's shared her story...

A RAD Kid?

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-Post by Foster Mom

I don't mean RAD in a "cowabunga", ninja turtle kinda way.  When M was first placed with us months ago, she got labeled with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  The therapist said she thought M has the disinhibited form of RAD.

Children with disinhibited behavior seek attention from virtually everyone, including strangers. - www.mayoclinic.com

RAD made sense and explained why she told us she "loved us" the first night.  Or why she would hold someones hand and a few minutes later proclaim her love for them..after JUST meeting them.

I know that a lot of RAD kid's display rage, tantrums and aggression.

M does not.

She hardly displayed any emotion at all.

Due to her lack of raging, I've always wondering if M really does have reactive attachment disorder.  I'm not a therapist or a mind reader, this is just based on my observations and googling skills...and I still don't have a firm conclusion.

In a previos post I mentioned I wanted to highlight how she's grown and flourished by living in a healthy and stable environment.  By sharing some of the RAD research I've done, in relation to who M was when she first came to live with us, I hope it will help show how far she truly has come...

Potential Causes for RAD in a Child 

• Neglect
• Abuse
• Separation from the primary caregiver
• Changes in the primary caregiver
• Frequent moves and/or placements
• Traumatic experiences
• Maternal addiction - drugs or alcohol
• Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills

M's "Symptoms" 6 Months Ago
*Please note, I feel weird calling it "symptoms" but am going by what my googling skills suggested

1. Displaying inappropriate signs of affection towards strangers
2. Poor peer relationships
3. Watching others closely but not engaging in social interaction (with peers)
4. Failing to ask for support or assistance
5. Obvious and consistent awkwardness or discomfort
6. Masking feelings of anger or distress
7. Intense control battles, very bossy
8. Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
9. Incessant chatter and/or questions 
10. Low self-esteem
11. Abnormal Eating Habits
12. Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection towards their parents.

*** 

M's Present Day Improvements

1. Displays appropriate signs of affection towards strangers - At the grocery store, M recently busted me for talking to a stranger about avocados...The old guy wasn't amused. 
2. Good peer relationships
3. Engages in social interaction (with peers)
4. Displays feelings of anger or distress - We now celebrate Maniac Mondays- It's M's post cry session and sassy 'tude, the day after she visits with Bio Mom.  I'm thinking about making it a National Holiday around our house.

M has grown from living in 6 months of stability, structure and out of harms way.  I plan on further examining her improvements in extended posts...so stay tuned.

Although M has made HUGE improvements we still have some present day struggles. M has hardships and as her foster parents, we struggle in learning how to fully meet her needs in certain areas.

M's "Symptoms" Present Day

1. Obvious and consistent awkwardness or discomfort 
2. Intense control battles, very bossy
   
3. Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
4. Incessant chatter and/or questions (Don't all kids ask a million questions?!)
   
5. Low self-esteem
6. Failing to ask for support or assistance - Has improved, but indirectly hints she needs help
7. Abnormal Eating Habits - Major improvement, but still working on it!
8. Difficulty showing genuine care and affection - HUGE improvement!

Every day we are working on minimizing the list. Today we worked on number six (affection). We snuggled and dramatically gazed into each others eyes while attempting to look like alien bugs.

Precious moments.

CLICK HER FOR A Symptom Checklist for Child Attachment Disorder

Help! Have you encountered any of M's present day symptoms with your kids?  Dying for some tips & tricks!

"I just want to live with mommy!"

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-Post By Foster Mom  
Bio Mom recently had her baby and he gets to live with her. She is living in a monitored facility so as long as she's there, the baby stays.

The past few weeks have been heartbreaking as M struggles in understanding why her brother gets to live there and she doesn't. I wish I could take her pain away and have magical words to help her cope...

M (with tears in her eyes): I like you and I like my mom. I just want to live with my mommy. I miss my mommy.

Foster Mom:  I'm sorry sweetie. I wish you could live with your mommy too. I'm sorry you feel so sad. 

M: When can I live with my mom?

Foster Mom: Remember the judge? Well, he'll tell us when it's safe and you can live with her. It could be months or longer. I'm sorry I don't have more info.

M: I miss my mommy and brother.  If I don't live with my mommy or you and "Foster Dad" will I live on the streets? Won't I get crashed?

Foster Mom: Crashed?

M: Crashed by a car. They are pointy and...I can't say it.

Foster Mom: What?

M: If I live on the streets the cars will crash me and I would die.  I don't want to die.

Foster Mom: We'll make sure you don't live on the streets.

We continued this convo for a few more minutes until she fell asleep in my arms...My heart hurts for little M.  She's 4 and worried about living on the streets.  I pray she feels loved and can find joy in her current situation, even through the pain of missing her mom terribly.

6 Tips For The First 24 Hours of Placement

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-Post By Foster Mom 

I've been reflecting lately on the first time we met M.  Her big brown eyes immediately captured my heart and her ability to perform Taylor Swift songs at any given moment can always keep me signing.

She's a remarkable child and I'm honored to know her and be apart of her story.  I wanted to share with you the beginning of our journey, and the mistakes and lessons I learned the first few days of meeting M.

6 (obvious) Tips For The First 24 hours of Placement

8 days after we "officially" got approved to be foster parents, I received a call around 2pm.  Our agency asked if we would want a 4 year old female. I got some more details and called Foster Dad.  After frantically hitting up Target for last minute necessities (kid's toothpaste, barbies, puzzles, gummies, blankets, cute stuffed animals, clocks..oh and a car seat!) Foster Dad and I drove a few counties over to pick up M.  Crazy how fast your life can change within 4 hours.


I. was. terrified.  
I would soon be a parent.
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
To a child who has 4 years of a story I know nothing about.   

We called the Director of our agency and desperately asked last minute questions...
How do we introduce ourselves to her?
Does she understand she's living with us?
What if she beats us up?

Tip 1. It's okay to ask crazy questions
 No question is dumb and will help ease your fears. Plus, I'm sure they've heard it all before.

The director of our agency didn't laugh at our questions but answered every single one and gave me her personal cell number in case I did get beat up...by a 4 year old.  She hung up after she gave me some final words of wisdom, which ended up being...

Tip 2. "4 year old girls talk non stop! Have fun!"
"But I'm an introvert..." I thought as I hung up the phone.  I filled Foster Dad in on the convo and we continued chatting.  He asked if I planned on sitting next to M on the way home.

"She's not a little baby...I'll play it cool in the front see. I don't want to overwhelm her. I bought preschool CD's and barbies, it'll be great."

Foster Dad had the only appropriate response, "You are heartless."

Tip 3. Don't be heartless (whoops)
You don't need to creep the child out with an abundance of hugs and kisses the first time meeting, but sitting next to them and playing on a long car ride home, obviously will help with the bonding process. I was fearful if I went overboard it would be overwhelming for her...but after following her lead and seeing she felt comfortable, we were giggling in no time.

Tip 4. Don't try to change the only thing they've had their whole life...their name (whoops)
Sitting in the back of the car we played barbies, chatted, giggled and I even gave her a nickname during the 2 hour ride...Which immediately got relinquished by Foster Dad pointing out that it's the only name she's ever known, why would I give her a new one now?! Sigh, I'm thankful I married such a smart man.  After 6 months of M living with us, she has a few nicknames...but it took time and happened more organically.

Tip 5. Don't watch creepy Lifetime Movies about foster kids
The first night was terrifying. But I blame my lifetime movie obsession for this one.  

Our agency person told us that M would most likely cry on and off throughout the first few nights, so we should be prepared. Our bedroom doors are adjacent.  We decided it would be best to sleep with both bedroom doors open (not a good idea). Every time she moved, I jumped up. I was waiting for her to cry, fall out of bed, stop breathing or be standing over my bed with a knife (thank you lifetime movies).  Of course that never happened and either did the tears, but the stress kept me up all night.

Tip 6. Don't pretend to be something you're not
Like a morning person.
By the time 5am rolled along, I was not happy to be awakened by M free styling a rap song. I got up and tried to pretend I was a morning person. After grabbing a mocha we went to the park, library, beach and walked the dog all before 8:30 (the normal time I start hitting snooze).

We pulled this schedule for a few days until I was burnt out and wanting to resign my "mother of the week" award.  Our case manager came over for our weekly visit.  She suggested showing M what 8:00 looks like on the clock.  When her clock looks like that, she can come out of her room.
"Are we allowed to do that?" I asked
"Why not?!" Case manager responded.

I was in love...with my case manager and this idea! I'm not sure HOW long M plays in her room every morning, but one thing remains the same...she still wakes me up signing.

***

Obviously, A LOT has changed since we first met her as she carried a small suitcase filled with a few outfits, a pink stuffed dog and a barbie with unintentional dreads. I have more sleep confidence as a parent and in M.  She has been living with us for almost 6 months now and we truly feel she's supposed to be here during this season of her life.  Over the next few posts I'm going to highlight how she's grown and flourished by living in a healthy and stable environment.

But first, what are some tips & tricks you learned during the start of your first placements?

Trouble! Pop-o-matic

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-Post By Foster Dad
I bought the game Trouble to play with M, hoping it would be a simple game to learn counting, competition, and focus.  Epic FAIL! All that's happen is my hair starting to fall out!  It says 5+ on the box. M is only 4.  Is there some kind of magical mental block against moving a game piece a number of spaces? Is it lifted when you cross from 4 to 5?!!

I took out every rule except one: pop the bubble and move your piece the number on the dice.  She can pop the bubble. She can read the number on the dice.  She can count to that number.  She can move the piece one space at a time and count as she goes, but she can't start with 1 at the next space.  She sits there counting 1 without moving the piece!  It's driving me crazy.  I told her to start with 0, then start moving and that actually helped, but now there's a new problem.

She'll be playing fine and moving along, then a brain switch flicks and she won't move the piece without looking at me and waiting for me to say "yes" as if she needs approval for each and every space moved because her confidence is at big fat ZERO!!  If I don't look at her and say, stare at the board, she freezes or moves like 20 spaces or gives up and says she doesn't want to play anymore.

The funny part is that the longer she plays, the worse she gets.  At the beginning, she was counting and moving just fine.  Then, she decided to enter manipulation mode.  "M, what number did you roll?" -Blank zombi stare- "7". "No M, you know there's only 6 numbers.  You've seen a 6 many times and know what it is.  We're going to stop playing and when you can say the right number we can start again." -"Ok, it's a 6."

Ahhhhhhhh!  I just don't have the strength for these mental games.  Sorry pushovers, there's no way I'm going to let her play wrong when I know she knows how, lie straight to my face, or quit, but I just can't keep up my energy level with this constant barrage of disturbia.  I had to win the game, leave the table, and let Foster Mom play the next round.

What simple things set off the disturbia in your foster kids?  What kills their confidence and sends their brain into zombie mode?

Shocking Moments at Preschool

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Scene
Foster Mom is volunteering at M's preschool.  Join in on the awkward/uncomfortable/tell-all conversation she had with one of the Teacher Aids who helps in the class:

TA: So how long have you and your husband been married?

Foster Mom: A few years

TA: Wow! Do you have any of your own kids?

Foster Mom:  Not yet, we wanted to be foster parents first.  There's so many kids that need a good home...

TA: Ohhh, is there good money in it?

Foster Mom:  Not really, it hardly covers the basics.

TA:  Yeah, my husband and I thought about doing it.

--- insert pointless chatter for a few minutes that somehow transitioned to this ---

TA:  Ya know, it's hard not beating your kids. I used to beat my husband and first child. I had to work really hard to get out of it.  I'm surprised my husband even stayed around.

Foster Mom: (shocked) Wow. You are so great with the kids, I would have never thought you struggled with that. It's great you turned your life around.

And scene

Yes, this is the same woman who said "We have a few moms like that..." the day I cried at preschool.

Do We Care At the Level God Cares?

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White Milk, Drama and a Broken Heart

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-Post by Foster Mom

In the 10 minute car ride home from preschool, M and I have some of our best conversations.

She hops in the car and the first words out of her mouth are always about what she ate that day.  Followed by:
I picked white milk today. WHITE MILK! Isn't that SUCH a healthy choice?! Aren't you soooo proud of me? I made such a gooooood choice. Yum!

I tell her I'm soooo proud and (in my mind) praise the school for only offering white milk as a drink option.

After I hear about her the school's healthy food choices she usually rats people out.

Drake had to sit in the blue time out chair today. He threw blocks at someone.

Missy said she has a boyfriend. I want one, but  I'm not 15. I'm only 4.

Ms. Tina called Jake a baby because he cried.

After filling me in on all the school drama, she tells me about all the fun activities she did.

I played with sticks. I ate lunch, and had white milk.  We sang songs. I played dolls. My baby was soooo sick and had to go to the hospital.

Every time I express my concern for the baby and asked why she was sick? M never gives a response.

After a few weeks of her doll being horribly sick, M finally answered my question.

My baby is sick because she has a broken heart. Nothing can fix it.

Her heart is broken...forever.

I try to get more details...Why did her heart break? What happened? But never get a response.  I turn on kid songs and she giggles and sings the rest of the way home...as I pray God heals the broken hearted.

A Grieving, Tattle Tale, Cry Baby

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-Post by Foster Mom

Thank you friends and blog readers for your kind emails, prayers and support. We really appreciate it! The day after we heard the horrible news, I was crying on and off throughout the day.
At random times.
It was awkward. 

I would be laughing with a friend over lunch and the next second crying because I drank all my soda. I was a blubbering cry baby...with no soda.
Tragic.

At preschool M and I sat across from a mom hurling insults at her 3-year-old. The woman was yelling at her daughter because she wasn't drawing a triangle properly. She then started violently shaking her little girl to get her to pay attention.

This isn't the first time I've witnessed this behavior from this woman.  If she couldn't pull it together for 15 minutes at school, I can't even begin to imagine whats truly happening at home.

M sat there in silence, observing the relationship between mother and daughter. I said to the woman people at our table "This is absolutely ridiculous..." as tears rolled down my checks and I ran outside to hide in the corner.

I pulled myself together enough to head back inside to give M a hug and say my goodbyes.  On the way out I said to one of the teacher assistants:

I'm sorry, but Triangle Mom (name has been changed) is out of control. It is NOT okay to act like that.

She put her hand on my shoulder and responded: It's okay, we have a few moms like that.

 "We have a few moms like that..."
What the heck does that mean?! It's okay to be verbally abusive and shake your kid until they cry because other moms do it too?! This is the LAST thing M needs to be around right now...

The incident at preschool was the tipping point.

I was sad that M saw Triangle Mom hurt her child.
I was drained from endless phone calls with social workers and therapists.
and I was grieving.
M had lost her childhood before she was even born....

And I'm not sure the court cares.  To them, she's just another number.
And at preschool, it's just another mom.

How do we help children when all the odds are against them?

Walking Through The Storm

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-Post by Foster Mom

Sunday we got some gut wrenching news.
The type of news that makes you want to throw up, punch someone and seriously question our court system and their theories on "protecting" children.

I haven't exactly processed through all the emotions yet.  My days continue to carry on and the tears are flowing less.  I'm thankful for a loving God who has caught every tear I've cried.

My heart is torn but through this I've found strength, love and comfort...and I know I can't attribute that to anything but God.

M is courageous.
Beautiful.
Strong.
She's sleeping safely under her covers, and that's what matters.

We've been able to shelter her from harm for almost four months now and I'm honored God entrusted her to us during this time of rebuilding...
Rebuilding her life and family.

This new info came at possibly the worst time for M's mom.
Bio Mom's been dealing with a lot and making huge strides with her counselor.  In the past, she would run when it gets hard and revert back to her old ways. So my prayer is that this hard to hear info. doesn't set Bio Mom back but that she can find strength and love to get through it.

I know this is vague and I hope you can respect our reasons for doing so...but please keep Bio Mom, M and us in your prayers as we walk through this storm together.

Parenting With Love and Logic

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-Post by Foster Mom

Clearly I'm no expert on parenting. I'm four months in and struggling to stand...but, I have found comfort in our parenting classes. Foster Dad and I have been taking a Love and Logic Parenting class to get certification credits.  I wanted to highlight some key points we gained from the class.

We learned a lot but think M may have learned more from our new parenting techniques.

1. Give Them Choices You Can Live With
 Example) Your child's room is a mess. Instead of being Ms. Bossy pants you can say "Would you rather clean your room now or before dinner?" The child feels in control of the situation, and you'll be happy with either outcome.

Scene: M is in her room playing with her mom and daughter barbies. I am secretly listening in on the action.

Barbie, do you want carrots or apples with your dinner?

Celery

No, no...celery wasn't one of the choices.  Apples or carrots? 

Carrots!

What a fabulous choice!

***

2. Deliver a strong does of empathy, before delivering the consequence of "bad news"
Children need to learn that their mistakes hurt them.  This does not happen when the adult gets angry. The child's attention should be on his or her own life and decision, instead of an adult's anger. You can respond with the same empathetic statement every time they do something wrong.
Example) I say "That's sooooo sad." or "Ohhh I'm so sorry__x__ happened."

Scene: M was playing with our dog

Apparently the dog was misbehaving because M was gently saying "Ohhhh that's sooooo sad. I'm soooo sorry.  Do you think eating my toy is a good choice?"

***

3. "You're Draining My Energy"
Example) A child has a long tantrum.  You can say "I'm sooo sorry that you feel that you are having a hard day. You know, it's really draining my energy because I have to watch you complain and whine for an hour, why don't you go act that way in your room."

Then later when the child wants to do something fun with you, you can respond "I would have loved to go play with you, but I still need to get my energy back."  So the logical consequence to them having a tantrum is they miss out on some fun play time.
 
Scene: M and I were playing in her room

M: You know, you are really draining my energy.

Foster Mom: Oh, I'm so sorry you feel that way. What did I do to drain your energy?

M: You asked me to brush my teeth last night.

 ***

Kids say the darndest things! It's nice to see our new techniques are making some form of an impact...even though she's using them on everyone else! M is a really smart kid and some of the things she comes up with are pretty amusing.

I highly recommend checking out the resources and attempting some of their suggestions. Every time we've used the Parenting with Love and Logic techniques properly, M has more responsibility and we have less stress which results in more family fun.

Resources:
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
The Parenting with Love and Logic book

4 Secrets about My Role as a Foster Mom

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-Post by Foster Mom

The blog has been quiet for a few weeks.
I wish I had something amazingly beautiful to post... sorry, but I don't.
I've been trying. But I'm just. burnt. out.

(Side note: If you want something beautiful to read, check out Peter's words on why he's a foster parent... )

One of my major pet peeves is when people facebook cry. 

Facebook crying: When someone posts a dramatic status update about how hard their life is. Can often occur by quoting a depressing, yet vague song lyric to throw themselves a pity party via the internet.

My goal for this blog is to be honest and open about our journey.  For me, writing is therapeutic and I prefer to reflect on fluffy feel good moments but lately those moments are outweighed by my tears.

So dear friend, if you want to join my therapy session... continue reading.
Disclaimer: There may be some blog crying involved in this post.

*** 

4 Secrets about My Role as a Foster Mom

1. I'm just trying to survive.
Foster Dad and I are taking classes so we can get our yearly credits to keep our certification. Our classes are filled with foster parents desperately trying to figure out the right way to help a hurting child:

What do we do when my 7 year old foster kid refuses to use the toilet and take showers? He will only go potty in a diaper and isn't potty trained.

We are having a hard time bonding with our 14 year old child...he's been with us for a year. A therapist suggested we start bottle feeding him so we can feel connected because he missed out on building healthy attachments as an infant.

Nothing we do to discipline the child living with us, causes a change in her actions. We've tried taking her favorite toy away, time ins, early bed times, etc...Nothing we do will get a response from her because it's not as harsh as the physical abuse from her past.

My heart breaks every. single. day for these children who've been hurt, abandoned or neglected.  There's often crisis situations with foster kids and the foster parents are left wondering "HOW do I show this child love? How do I get through to them?" Google doesn't always have the right answers and it's not always easy figuring out what will work.  Survival mode.

2. I appreciate your nice words but I'm not a saint... not even close.

I often feel guilty because people call us saints.
If you only knew... 

I'm not much of a touch person.  You try to give me a side hug and I'll clumsily go for the hand shake. My hugs for M are intentional but not organic.


I can't imagine Mother Teresa reminding herself to hug a child.

3.  I'm emotionally exhausted.
One of my best friends in college often said that my best and worst quality is that I care too much about people and their pain becomes my own.

When M reveals apart of her story to me, I've learned how to respond properly but have shut myself off to fully understanding her trauma.  I feel like I'm turning heartless or numb towards the reality of M's former life situation. I can't even begin to imagine how much M's trauma has hurt her....


4.  I'm soooo thankful for supportive family and friends
I haven't talked to my best friend in weeks because she's super mom and I feel like a loser because I'm holding on for dear life.  Survival mode, remember?  

Thank you for calling anyways and being so encouraging...

I'm so grateful for everyone in my support system. Thank you for just listening to me ramble on and on, praying for me, and not judging me when I cry like a baby.

***

People often ask "Knowing what you know now about being a foster parent and the system, do you regret signing up for this?"

Unfortunately M doesn't have a choice about being placed in the foster care system. But I do and I don't regret it one bit.  For right now, Foster Dad and I feel like we are supposed to be foster parents, and sometimes the right things in life aren't always easy.

I will now leave you with a vague song lyric to complete my blog crying...

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance.
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids' dance.

Please, go easy on me, or feel free to leave a Blog Comment cry. I'll pray for you and even give you a side hug if you need it :)

I Do So Much For You and This Is How You Act?!

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In second grade my mom bought me a huge box of new crayons.

All I remember next is that I was sitting against my bedroom door crying, breaking all 96 of my crayons, yelling about how mean my mom was.

My mom gently knocked on the door to see if I was okay.

"What happened to your crayons?"  She asked

"They came that way." 

She didn't call me a liar, or say how ungrateful I was. She just gave me a hug and helped me put my broken crayons back in the box.

***

Last night I told M I was going to tuck her in.
She grunted "Aughhhhhhhhhh, I don't want YOU to tuck me in!" Remember, she likes Foster Dad better? 

***

Last week at dinner, M refused to eat.  We asked her to try what was on her plate so she wouldn't starve.  She didn't want to eat anything so went through six different coping tactics which included an hour of tears and "I want to call my mom.  I don't want to be here..."

 ***

Moral of the story: kid's can be cruel, rude, annoying and mean...
Don't get my wrong, M is a GREAT kid most of the time...but we all have our bad days. Foster Dad and I didn't sign up to be foster parents so we'd get a pat on the back, but after some of M's rowdy days I could sure use one!

Kids won't thank you for all you've given them or sacrificed.  They'll complain, break their crayons (sorry mom!) and never fully understand how much you do for them....until THEY become parents.



So mom and dad, thank you for all you've done for me. Dealing with the bazillion gross diaper changes, tantrums and never ending talking.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you've made so we would feel loved and special. Thanks for always coming to all my sports games and being my number one fan. Thanks for not giving up on me when you mistakenly thought I was in a gang called black cats, when I got a D and locked myself in the bathroom and when I convinced my sister jelly gets gum out of hair.  I am honored to have you as parents, think you are super heroes,  and appreciate all you did and continue to do for me. Love you guys!

Question for parents: At what moment did you want to yell at your kid "I do SOOO MUCH FOR YOU and you are acting like THIS?!" This is your time to vent...

Silent Conversations

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-Post by Foster Mom

I checked the phone.
Yup, it still works.

Called my phone with the other phone to confirm the ringer's on.
Yup, loud and clear.

Looked at my calendar for what seemed like the millionth time.
It's Tuesday.

I feel like a high school girl waiting to get a call from my super, secret crush. The phone is a hand reach away and I gaze at the clock every two minutes in anticipation of the ringer.  Time is passing without a sound.

My super secret crush isn't exactly a crush, but M's bio mom. She calls twice a week.


Let me rephrase that, she's supposed to call twice a week. It's the same time and days every week. Lately she's been missing a call a week or doesn't call at the right times. One time she apologized and said she slept all day so couldn't call. All the other missed calls have gone unmentioned.

So today, another conversation is silent. The time goes by without mother and daughter feeling loved through giggles, phone kisses and sharing special memories of the past and hope of a future.

Bio mom and I have a pretty great relationship, but with every phone call missed I feel frustrated/bitter/angry and wonder what's more important than her daughter?

My heart hurts for the little girl on the receiving end of the phone call. If only her mom understood what she's missing.

Who's The Favorite In Your House?

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M likes Foster Dad better than me. 

At first I felt a little hurt.  After all I'm the one taking her to and from preschool, appointments, visits and filling her life with magical adventures.

We are together the majority of the day.

Foster Dad comes home after a long day at work, tells a few jokes and wins her heart...Then again, that's how he won mine...

I grew up dancing on my dad's feet and thought of him as an everyday superhero. We played sports, he took me on adventures, and to this day...both of my parents have always supported and believed in me. Growing up in a safe and loving home has given me strength to dream bigger and laugh louder.

Every little girl should feel protected in their father's arms. M battles emotional scars daily because she didn't feel safe from the dads of her past, and is desperately seeking approval and love.

So after my twinge of 3 second jealosy for not being M's favorite, I reminded myself that Foster Dad is making a HUGE impact on her life!  He's a positive male role model and I pray that she will always remember the safety she's felt in his arms and learn to dream bigger and laugh louder.

I'm okay with the fact that I'm not M's favorite person at our house.  But I would like everyone to know, that our dog likes me the best.

10 Ways To Break Out of Routine

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-Post by Foster Mom

Between Preschool, appointments, meetings, visitations and calls with the bio family our schedule is pretty routine.  M loves the structure and assurance of knowing what the next activity will be, but it does get pretty boring sometimes.  We still stick to our everyday routine and appointments, but also schedule in some spontaneous fun time...Yes, I did just say schedule and spontaneous in the same sentence...just go with it.

 Here's the list M & I are tackling to get out of our boring rut  *already completed

1. Take a walk...on the wild side *
Pretend you are on an adventure, give yourselves spy/explorer/frontier names, talk with accents and take time to explore. Walk your kid's pace and smell the flowers. Watch out for bees. 

2. Dance party *
Whoever can dance the longest wins. I count this as my gym workout.

3. Cloud Gazing *
Go to the beach/park, lay on a blanket and describe the shapes the clouds make.

4. Host a Show *
Videotape a baking show and make a pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.

5. Indoor S'mores
Turn all the lights off and use flashlights for indoor camping. Make s'mores in the microwave. See who can make the biggest marshmallow. This also works with peeps if you are looking for a new Easter tradition.

6. Indoor Camping
Sleep in an indoor tent at night. Have your husband dress in a bear costume and wake you up by shaking the tent and growling.  Make sure your kid doesn't have to go potty or the scare may result in an unnecessary accident.

7. Puddle Jumping *
Make some puddles and jump in them. Make sure you're outside or have waterproof furniture

8. Rappers Delight *
Pick a topic and freestyle a song.  We love playing this game in the car. The topic M ALWAYS picks are trees. I've been expanding my tree knowledge through google, hoping my next song will go platinum. Disclaimer: Parents really need to be in the mood because freestylin' gets old fast!

9. Have a staring contest *
Bonus points because it helps build attachment and you will probably win...unless you are indoor camping and your kid shines their flashlight in your eye, that could end in tragedy.

10. Do Something Special *
Make dinner together for a sick friend, random neighbor, or new mommy. Write a card and drop it off together. Pray it's edible!

Bonus: Are you REALLY bored?
Check out this HILARIOUS website http://www.randomthingstodo.com/

What are fun ways you break out of your routines, with or without a kid? Try something on your list, steal some ideas from our list or the comments below!

4 Christmases

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-By Foster Dad

Christmas with Biomom, Christmas at the Church giving tree event, Christmas at the Foster Care agency, ... and Christmas on the east coast.

We're trying to decide whether or not to bring M to our family Christmas vacation on the other side of the country.  If we bring her there are airline tickets to buy, court approvals to be signed, and a 4 year old to take on a 5 hour flight with layovers.  Is it worth the effort?  Would it be a nice break for Foster Mom and I to get rejuvenated and lift our energy levels?

I can just imagine the comments we'd receive if we decide not to bring her along... "You're going to leave a kid all alone with strangers on Christmas?"  "Isn't this why you chose to be foster parents in the first place?"  ...etc.  If we were hoping to adopt M someday, I wouldn't hesitate to bring her.

The reality is that she'll have 3 Christmases before December 25th arrives.  The strange part would be her watching another unknown family open their Christmas presents that morning.  Of course we'll give the respite parents some gifts to give to M.

Foster parents, what are your thoughts?

How Do You Overcome Insecurities?

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School picture day is way more nerve-racking as an adult.  I was beyond stressed figuring out what M should wear and how to keep her beautiful curls untangled.  After all we would keep these photos for a lifetime.
As in, FOREVER.

This would be a picture of the beautiful child who was first placed in our home through the foster care system, captured in a single moment of time.

Of course we also planned on giving M's family copies. But what if they judged her outfit and hairdo? Or even worse, what if she doesn't smile and they think we are horrible parents and she isn't happy living with us. What if....my mind raced.

M got dressed and I took extra time to tame her curls, all while ahhhhing over her beauty. After, M showed off her dazzling smile for our at home practice session. Yes, I did just say practice session. What have I become?!

I told her she was a beautiful princess and we headed off to preschool. On the drive over I laughed at myself for turning into the Picture Perfect Drill Sargent and realized I was putting way to much pressure on picture day.

My insecurities of how others may react to a photo I really have no control over was turning me into an over-meticulous, mind stressing person. So I let it go.... and didn't even slick down M's flyaways as I hugged her goodbye.

***

I picked M up from preschool and saw all the girls in their best dresses and boys with gel in their hair.  I stayed and caught up with her teachers who told me M was sad today. The teacher asked her what was bothering her and M said

"Nobody told me I was beautiful with my pretty dress on. People told all the other girls they were beautiful but not me..."

We've all struggled with confidence and insecurities. How do you overcome it? How do you explain to a child that their value comes from God and themselves?

Discover Your Child Through A Lens

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-Post by Foster Mom

I was having lunch with a friend the other day and she asked me a great question.

"Have you ever tried thinking about life through M's eyes?"

I think about it all the time. I imagine how it feels to be dropped off at a strangers doorstep. Or if her tears over eating pea soup are really tears for her biological family.  I try to see things through her eyes so I can learn how to love her better and can be the mom she deserves. 

***

We gave M our old digital camera.  She's taken lots of pictures of us, places we've been and her favorite things.  Here are some photos, through M's eyes.

 

  

Through her camera lens I see a child who values her room, because she's always shared one with her parents.  She takes pride in her stuffed animals by organizing them and keeps her room clean, without being asked.  Maybe it's because she moved around so much and never had a place to call home or a space of her own.

She uses her imagination to create castles and forts to shield her from the things that haunted her in the past. I see a little girl that dreams of being a princess, loves the color pink, anything sparkly and cherishes the fantasy of Tinkerbell.

***   

Have you looked through your kid's lens?

Why My Life Got Turned Upside Down

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I became a foster parent and I'm wrecked at the core. It's challenging reshaping my worldview.

I can't stop thinking about all the teenagers that will age out of the foster care system wishing they had a family to celebrate holidays with and a mother to call on their birthdays. I wonder if they feel worthless, unlovable and unworthy of a family. Would you?

I can't stop thinking about the small child who think they deserve to be hit or blame their parents abandonment on themselves. Or M, who is adultified and oversexualized before she reaches kindergarten.

If we live in a nation with an abundance of resources why do some people have so little? Of those that have so little, why do some take advantage of what they are given? Even though  I'm kept up some nights thinking about all the unjust in the world, I know I can't change the foster care, welfare or court systems.

Every child deserves to be loved. The God I know gives second chances, He loves unconditionally and loves the unlovable.

My eyes have been opened to poverty, pain, cultural differences and new traditions.  This process is teaching me patience, sacrificial love and how to advocate on behalf of a hurt child. All I can try to do is love a child during their darkest moments and hope that their biological family can change for the better.

Foster parent or not, what are YOU learning during this season of your life?

It ain't easy being cheesey

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DISCLAIMER: Sappy people who cry at the slightest gust of wind, judge easily, and ignore feelings if they are less than pleasant should skip reading this blog post.  Thoughts and feelings are described here that may disturb you.

On the first day it was easy to be a saint.  Foster Mom and I had been preparing for 8 months to receive a kid into our home.  We were spilling over with love, empathy, and hope for our new mystery foster kid.  Our friends were encouraging us and saying how giving we were to take this step of faith, to be servants, to be awesome mini-mother-teresa-but-trendy-cool-I'm-just-a-temp parents.

M came to live with us and it wasn't long until my happyhappyjoyjoy face paint started chipping away.  Who am I kidding... the first night I flopped into bed thinking, "What have we done?"  Lately, I find myself reapplying the paint more and more often.  Her 4-year old-isms can really drain me.  Her questions of "Why" that follow every answer to every previous question are like needles in my eyes.  Her fear of foods she hasn't tried is like fire under my skin.  Her frozen coma stare that starts as soon as we try to discipline her makes me want to join a Screamo band.

My batteries simply don't recharge themselves every night like I thought they would when I dreamed of helping dozens of kids over decades of life.  Am I the only foster parent (or bio parent) who feels this way?  I don't like being like this.  It makes me less patient, sarcastic, and harbor resentment towards a little person who doesn't even know what she's saying half the time....

...A little person who just wants to be close to me.  A little person that says, "Ohhh, man. Please don't go" when I leave for work every morning.  A little person who just wants a daddy to watch her sing her favorite R-rated hip hop song that her mom let her listen to 10 times a day for the first 4 years of life.  A Hurt Child, a helpless child, someone tossed around by the system, a person capable of manipulating adults at the ripe age of 4 years old.

If I'm feeling this way in the 3rd month of our first placement, how will I feel a year into it?  Does it pass?  Do I get a freebie spotlight-in-the-darkness-shining-moment of clarity and peace soon?  Have I not prayed and read my Bible enough?  When I've totally given up hope of being the awesome angel that people keep saying I am in the comments section of this blog... does God sweep in then to help?  I hope so.

Don't worry out there.  Angry writing is like therapy for me.  My bite is much less than my bark.  I'm doing my best every day to show love to M and be the best chill foster dad in my town ;)

Share-apy Time

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Dear whoever is reading this post,

What does this photo mean to you or make you think about?

 Feel free to comment below...

Now Laugh!

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-Post by Foster Mom
Even though it can be stressful, my mom reminded me to laugh during this foster parenting process. So I thought I'd share some recent moments I laughed out loud at.


Hug It Out
Last week, M was having a rough day. I dropped her off at preschool and asked if she wanted a hug. As we were hugging it out in the corner of the classroom, some random lurker kid, Rocco, came over and started hugging us too. So much for our intimate moment.


A week later, Rocco wasn't hugging it out anymore.

He threatened to beat me up.  M and I were doing our child-parent time at preschool and reading a book together. Rocco came over and started touching my cell phone. He asked if it had games on it.
M "Yeah, but only I can play the games."
Rocco "You're mean!!" He yelled pointed at me, even though I had yet to respond.
Me "Sorry, it's reading time. Do you want to read with us?"
He then started pounding his fists together and making some weird, I'm a boy full of rage noise.
Rocco "My fists want to do this to you," as he continued hitting his fist into his hand.
I thought about telling on him, then I realized I wasn't 4 and reverted to calling him the class bully instead.


M sings. Not always the right lyrics. 
Actual lyrics: Oh, be careful little eyes what you see.
Her version:  Oh be careful and wipe the toilet seat.
She has a thing for cleanliness.

Exhibit A

Drawing Encouragement
The other day M and I colored together for a few hours. I got really into it (see exhibit A). Pretty great skills, huh? When I showed M my beautiful creation she made a face that looked like I was trying to feed her gross, disgusting carrots and yelled,  
"That is NOT fabulous!"
Lesson learned: It's not cool to give your my little pony blue highlights.

Public Humiliation
Foster Dad, M and I went shopping over the weekend. All of a sudden we heard a really loud, squeaky noise coming from the toy section.
M, our 4 year old yelled, "What the HELL!?"
Foster Dad and I replied "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
and a guy walking by laughed. Really hard.
We asked M how she learned that word and told her it was a bad word and she shouldn't say it again.

Foster Dad was impressed she knew how to use that phrase in context.

Parents: Any funny or embarrassing moments recently?

What Will They Call Us?

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As Foster Dad and I went through training one of our concerns was figuring out what the child placed with us would call us.  We were told that kids who were placed in homes with other kids would naturally end up calling their foster parents "mom" and "dad". To them, that's the parents' name. We don't have any kids (unfortunately our dog doesn't count). So in training they said that if the kid just points at you or never calls you anything and seem confused, you can tell them to call you by your first name.

When we first met M we explained to her that we are the mom and dad of our house. She can choose to call us "mom" and "dad" or by our first names...whatever she feels most comfortable doing.  She decided to call us by our first names, which also made us feel more comfortable out of respect for her parents.  We don't feel like we earned those titles. M has a mom. I don't want M ever thinking I'm trying to replace her mom. For us, having her call us by our first names work.

Remember in Elementary school when you would accidently slip up and call your teacher "mom"? Well, that's happened a few times with us.  Today M called me "mom".   Then she asked if she could call me mom instead of my first name. I told her it was her choice and reminded her we are the mom and dad of the house.  I asked her how she thought her mom would feel? Her response, "Happy that I have two moms! I'll call you mom."

I wasn't sure how to respond.
Five minutes later she said "Mom, can you help me with this?"
My heart hurt for bio mom as I wondered how she would feel if she heard.  It hurt for M, who must be sooo confused. But with my new title I instantly felt older, more responsible, pressured to bake cookies and draw hearts in peanut butter sandwiches.  Apart of me secretly liked that she called me mom, it meant I was doing a good job nurturing her and showing her love. In her eyes I'm not just a glorified babysitter.  My new motherly thoughts, mixed with anxiousness quickly dissolved as M got my attention by yelling my first name. So much for calling me mom...

At least I no longer feel the pressure to get a mini van.

Foster Parents: We'd love to hear any stories about your titles.

I love

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...this song.
            I love that shirt.
                   I love ice cream.
                           I love your new hairstyle.
                                  I love __insert something trivial and pointless here___

Perhaps you've let "I love you" slip after a few dates.
Or you've proclaimed your love for french fries in one sentence and the love for your spouse in another (whooops).

How often do we misuse the phrase "I love..."?

The first night M was with us she said "I love you."  We didn't want her to feel rejected and our first time foster parent response was "I love you, too!"  It didn't feel natural. Why was proclaiming my love for Gilmore Girls way easier than saying it to a 4 year old stranger who moved into my house?

Since getting insight from our case manager our response has changed to "I care about you too!" At the time, I agreed with their response. We don't want to give M false hope by responding or saying "I love you" back, especially if we are another adult abandoning her don't think we are supposed to adopt her, if the reunification process doesn't work out. We are happy for M because right now reunification looks favorable and we don't have to figure out any next steps yet.

M would tell our friends and family members after a minute of knowing them "ahhh...I love you!" We would leave our babysitters with a page of emergency numbers and proper responses in case she professed her love to them.

We talked to M about who you love and the differences between love and like. Overtime her "I love you" turned into "I like you".
Which eventually turned into "I like you, means I love you!"

But lately I noticed she doesn't say anything and hasn't for awhile.
M's I love yous are reserved for her mom only.  For us, it's a hug or a snuggle. Maybe the "I like you" was too confusing.

If we as adults misuse the phrase "I love you"... why shouldn't we allow kid's with attachment issues?

It's hard to imagine M as a stranger...I've learned so much about her these past few months and she's won me over with her singing and passion for all things pink. I've censored myself with M a few times when I naturally had the urge to say those 3 words every child wants to hear.
I love you.
Our words are powerful...and so are our lack of words.

Are we stifling her heart or guarding it, by not saying "I love you"?