Michael Jackson, Drowning and a Playdate with M

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-Post by Foster Mom (please ignore the mess, the blog is getting a makeover!)

A little less than 2 months has passed since M reunified with Bio Mom.  Since then, we’ve had a handful of conversations and they seem to be adjusting well.  We’ve always been upfront and have expressed interest in continuing a relationship with M….but during this transition we wanted to give them time and didn’t want to step on Bio Mom’s toes.  Bio Mom called one day and told us that M was looking at the photo album we gave her, really missed us and was ready to hang out.

A week later we got out the sand toys, juice boxes and beach chairs and loaded the car.  On the way to Bio Mom's group home, I prayed I wouldn't go into "investigator" mode and quiz M...but rather try to let things happen organically. 

And boy did they...

We knocked on the door and their stood the oldest looking 5 year old I've ever seen.  M had on a beautiful Easter dress, white high heels, her hair was weighed down with product and I could hardly see her face under all the makeup she had on.  Through the hugs and "hellos" I could see Foster Dad's confusion.

Foster Dad: You know we're going to the beach right?

M (shyly): Yeah I brought some beach clothes in my bag. I'm not going to drown right? 

Some things never change.

In the car ride M was nervous.

So was I.

Foster Dad told some jokes to make it less awkward...

which resulted in M saying about 40 times: You are sooooooo silly! He's sooooo silly!

It almost seemed like the M we remembered.

She then proceeded to tell us she saw Michael Jackson. The singer. Even though he's dead, she saw him. She feeds chocolate to the birds and misses her old room and our dog. She doesn't tell lies at her moms or do "inappropriate stuff". She eats super healthy - ranch and carrots.

M was spit balling randomness for about twenty minutes.  I just listened and thought about how different her life is.

She lives in a group home.  M shares a bedroom with her baby brother and her mom.  The crib is overflowing with clothes and toys because there's nowhere else to put them and Brother is left sleeping next to Bio Mom.  The majority of her toys and clothes she had at our house that we let her keep, aren't anywhere in to be seen.  Her mom still has a friendship with "crusty dad" even after the social workers and therapists advised against it.  Bio Mom has no job and no plans to get one anytime soon.  The facility they live at is great. They have rules and a house-mom who is solid.  Because of this, I know M is safe and will be okay.  

As we got to the beach M informed me they are moving on Friday. 

So much for the safety.

We got out the sand toys and M started playing. She wanted to be a seahorse named "M".  She asked me to be the Mom turtle.  M the Seahorse kept drowning, yelling and begging for someone to save her.  After play-saving her 5 times, I asked her if we could play something else.  She wanted to play house.  M the Seahorse was in bed and kept getting covered by sand and yelling "I can't breathe..I'm going to die."

Obviously, I'm not a therapist.  But I know it wasn't a good sign.

Foster Dad distracted her by flying a kite.  

I sat and reflected on how much has changed and how much hasn't. It was good to see her, but it was hard.  She arrived in our home acting over-sexualized, like an adult and fearful.  She left foster care learning to create healthy relationships with others and connect with peers...and she acted her age.  It broke my heart to see how fast those lessons have been unlearned.

I wish she was able to get adopted by a super awesome therapist that could help bandage up her wounds.  She's 5 and has been around too much, causing damage, that will take years of repair.  My prayer is that Bio Mom breaks the cycle for her children and gets the help little M deserves.  M has so many talents and strengths and holds endless possibilities in her hands. 

How do I feel after all of this?
It was great to see M for the day and lavish her with compliments and hugs. I think in the foster care system, the bar is set way to low as to how reunification is determined.  Minimal, the parents should go through all the training we had to go through to get certified.  M's Bio Mom has made a lot of positive changes while M lived with us, but more needed to happen prior to reunification.  My fear is that this will be a family in constant survival mode, living day to day....and the cycle continues....

Reunification: M is back with her mom

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-Post by Foster Mom

A lot has happened over the last few months. 
It's been hard.
There are a lot of great memories and heartache I may end up sharing, but for now I'll just give you an update.

M moved back in with her mom, which was the goal from day 1.
The court approved it and the next day reunification happened.
Although it's been "looming" over our heads for a few months, it still seemed to happen pretty quick.
We made sure she had closure at preschool, with our neighbors, her therapist and other key players.

As we drove M to her mom's, I could tell she started realizing things were about to be very different.

"My mom doesn't have a car....how will I get places?"

We praised the bus system and talked about her other concerns.
Her concerns  seemed to go away as soon as she was in her mom's arms.

Mine didn't.
This was a few weeks ago...

I was scared to call and check in.  What if mass chaos happened? What if her mom doesn't let me talk to M ever again? What if...

I picked up the phone and called today.
M sounded older, more mature.
Some highlights:

Her baby brother was crying in the background.

M: Brother, be quiet I'm talking to my foster mom...Sorry, he's sooo loud!

M: So how's your living? What's new?

M: Do you want to talk to Brother now because I don't know what else to talk about.

It was fun to talk and put my mind at ease.  She'll be okay.

**I'm not sure specifically what I'll be writing about around here...but if you have any questions about reunification or the foster care process as a whole, feel free to leave a comment...I'm not an expert but we survived this journey.**

Now Laugh! 2

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-Post by Foster Mom

I tend to blog about the hard stuff...so thought I'd lighten the mood with some of M's great one liners and random moments.


During An Adventure Walk
aka walking the dog
Foster Mom: You're a good navigator
M: I'm not an alligator!

After Kid's Church
Foster Mom: Did you make any friends at kids church?
M: No! They were boring and picked their noses.

Cough Cough
Foster Mom: Oh no! Are you feeling sick?
M: No but the bunny in my throat is.
Foster Mom: What??
M: My mom told me there's a bunny in my throat.

After Getting Her Haircut
M: "I looked in the mirror and am really embarrassed!"


Nap Time Lurker
M: The dog just pooped in my bed and it's disgusting.

Night Time Pee
I went to tuck M in, who was already fast asleep on the floor.
She didn't go potty so I asked her to get up and go.
She went over and sat in her desk chair.
Yikes!


At The Movies
One of the trailers was Justin Bieber's Never Say Never.
M yelled for the whole theater to hear: Wow, Justin did so good!"
Apparently they are best friends.

Boy Crazy 4 Year Old

M: So when I'm really old, like 15, I'll get married. 
Foster Mom: Hmmm..maybe you could go to college first, then get married.
M: Ok, so I'll be way older than you, like fifteen thirty. I'll name my husband Justin....Justin...Bieber.


Want some more randomness? Check out - Now Laugh! Part 1.

Lice Saved Our Relationship

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-Post by Foster Mom

I would like to start by saying...I don't appreciate bugs and I don't do vomit.
I haven't puked since first grade.  I think it's a world record.

I tried to google it but all that came up was "longest time without peeing world record".  Impressive.

World record or not, I don't know what it feels like to get sick and it creeps me out. I'm afraid of it.  True confessions of an teenage almost 30 year old drama queen.

Also, as I've gotten older, my love for bugs has dissipated.  They have a home, and it shouldn't be anywhere near me.


Now that I'm married, if there's a gross bug or spidey in the house (and I'm not referring to Heidi and Spencer from the Hills) I yell for Foster Dad to smash it.  This is what marriage is about.


Plus Foster Dad get's the job done and I don't have to risk the harm that could come from a miss kill.

MISS KILL
When you think you killed a bug and you let your guard down. Then you find out you had bad aim and it crawls all over your body, into your mouth and then you vom out of sheer disgust.  WAY TO RISKY, RIGHT!?

I digress...
Let's backtrack to a few weeks ago on a Friday, shall we?

***

"HELPPPPPPP!" M sobbed at 3am.
Foster Dad's reaction time was that of a ninja.
He ran into her room to discover....
Chunky
smelly
nasty
pizza vomit
everywhere.

He yelled. "She's okay but there's puke on her hands, all over her blankets, her pillow, her hair, stuffed animals, the floor..."

I hid under the covers and yelled "Ewwww! Do you need my help?" Please say no...please say no...please say no.

"No."

"I'll keep him." I thought as I hid under my protective shield being the worst mother in the world.

***

Let's fast forward to last week.  M and I were on a play date with a kid from preschool and his mom, the only English speaking mother I could find in the school yard.
We were casually chit chatting and I saw something move...
on
M's
head.

I tried to play it cool...but couldn't contain myself and shouted
"English Speaking Mother (name has been changed), I saw a bug on M's head!!!!"

"It can't be..." Her voice trailed off as she started combing through M's hair.
It was.

I had a slow motion flash back of the handout I received from preschool two weeks earlier reporting creepy, crawly, crusty LICE!

This was my moment to shine. I could redeem myself after the pizza vom-fest a few weeks earlier.  We headed straight for the pharmacy and got some treatment.

Bio Mom and M were supposed to have a sleepover the next day so I called to give her an update. I found out Bio Mom also had lice and the sleepover got canceled.

I spent the afternoon with plastic gloves on, a shield over my face and a scarf on my head, acting like a monkey pulling lice out of M's hair.  She was very patient through this whole process, and girly screamed with me every time we encountered a beast.

A week of this and I've downgraded to bare hands and no shields. I have had a few miss kills but luckily they haven't crawled into my mouth.

Being a foster parent has challenged me in ways I would have never imagined. 
M came to us being Miss. Independent and had basically raised her mother.  They talk on the phone and M comforts Bio Mom.  She's 4.

So when M got lice and let me pick crusty bugs out of her hair, it brought us closer.  She had a need and let me fill it.  This happened the week after she told everyone she didn't like me (post coming soon).

Lice saved our relationship.

We are officially lice free. I'm also happy to report we no longer do Pizza Fridays.

What are your creepy moments that are relatioship savers? 

Or when have you broken out of your comfort zone to help your kid? 

The Unofficial Annoucment: M's going back with her mom

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 -Post by Foster Mom

Quick update:
I have a lot of things on my mind lately.
A lot of which, I can't yet really put into words...hence the blog silence.

It looks like (if all goes "well") M will be reunifying with her mom in a few months.  This is probably the hardest part of our journey so far.  M, rightfully so, has been having a hard time transitioning back after visits with Bio Mom (more on that later).

I'm grateful for her therapist who is helping in a lot of ways, and extremely encouraging to all of us.


More coming soon...

How To Not Stress During the Reunification Process?!

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 -Post by Foster Mom

Alongside the professional experts (therapist, case manger, etc), Foster Dad and I have been focusing on a number of things while M is living with us. A few of them are:

• Teaching her about eating healthy
• Showing her what a safe home looks like and what to do if she doesn't feel safe. 

I fear all our lessons will go right out the window as soon as reunification takes place in a few months.

EDIT {took out some details about how Bio Mom wasn't making the best choices during visits}

I knew this would be the hardest part.  We've protected a child for months and to send her right back into dysfunction, unsafe relationships, something possibly yucky is heartbreaking.

So I asked the foster parents of twitter-verse in 140 characters or less how they cope with the stress of the reunification process?  Their answers has helped them through the high and lows and are located below the bow.

Thank you to @schneidleraj, @mmm325, @krysta221, @tikunolam2pt0, 

@RichHefty and @missionminded25 for sharing!

What's your advice or thoughts? How do you deal with the reunification process?

Family Drama with Bio Mom

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-Post by Foster Mom

M's Bio Mom recently set up strict boundaries with her immediate family because they were more harm than good.

She has no one.

The one person who brought her comfort in days past, got taken from her.
And is now living in my home.
Hugging me daily.
Whispering her preschool secrets in my ear.
When she falls at the playground, I'm the one she cries for.
And I comfort her.

I can't imagine the heartache Bio Mom has endured.
She's been in foster care,
on the streets,
survived gang fights,
domestic violence,
fought for her life
and now this.
It was enough to challenge her to get her act together, and make some positive changes.

Good changes.  Changes that need to happen for her to get her daughter back.

A few months ago I was talking on the phone with M's mom.  Our conversation was transparent, loving and respectful.  We talked about our concerns and shared updates.

During our phone call Bio Mom showed me a glimpse into their past.
I could hear the pain and fear in her voice.

I felt honored that she is starting to trust me and that I could try to be an encouragement to her.

She told me she was happy M was spending Christmas with us...

"After all, we're family" Bio Mom said.

We aren't related by blood, so her words caught me off guard.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true.

Sometimes I get frustrated with Bio Mom and her crusty choices she's made in the past. Trust me, there's plenty of family drama.

But then there are times I'm left in awe.  Like the time she put together a HUGE Halloween party (without having any money) for everyone in her program and the kids, so M could have a special visit.  Bio Mom even thought of Foster Dad and I and gave us homemade cookies. Don't worry, we weren't poisoned. I've watched enough Lifetime movies to know I need to let Bio Mom eat her cookie first. There were games, costumes, decorations and even some of M's favorite ghetto, hip hop music (we are working on that).

I don't condune the choices Bio Mom has made in the past that has resulted in M being placed with us. But I am fully confident Bio Mom has made huge positive changes and is growing healthier everyday.

I'm beyond grateful we have a growing relationship with her and am thankful we are family through love.  Plus, I'd hate to be on her bad side...

How To Have A Great Holiday Season: Get Out Of Your Bubble

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-Post by Foster Mom

This Holiday season I am left feeling very thankful, hopeful and angry.
Before you start painting me green and calling me "the Grinch", let me explain.

I'm thankful for the birth of a Savior.
I'm hopeful in a God who can turn circumstances around,
but I'm sometimes angry when He doesn't.

I'm thankful I have hardworking, moral parents without addictions clouding their judgment.  I'm hopeful that  M's Bio Mom really is changing...
and am angry at all those abusive, addicted, selfish parents that are stealing their children's innocence.

I am thankful I live in a country with resources
Hopeful for opportunities
but sometimes hate that we live in a culture of superfluity, where media is in your face
all
the
time.

It can easily consume our every waking moments and cause us to miss the important things...


The reality I was living in for so long has been torn up these past 6 months.

All because I decided to become a foster parent.

It's opened my eyes and has helped me see outside of my safe, little bubble.

I'm learning to be more "in the moment" and aware.

Aware of the aged-out foster youth who doesn't have a family to spend time with over the holidays. (TRUE STORY)

Or the person living in the United States, who is stuck in a brothel, forced to barter sex for mere pennies and their dignity (TRUE STORY)

I'm aware of the tragedy of children soldiers (TRUE STORY)

and that domestic sex trafficking is real (TRUE STORY)

I'm aware that the majority of our yummy Christmas chocolate comes from a child slave (TRUE STORY)

and I'm aware of a mother who attempted to sell her little baby girl for drugs
a town over
from where I live.
I am thankful she was caught.

All of these horrible tragedies...is a person's reality.

In the midst of a busy Holiday season as we get swept up in the consumerism of things...I challenge myself (and you, if you're interested):

• To be thankful for the blessings in your life
• To slow down and notice the unjust in our world
• Get angry and passionate enough to make a difference
• Be hopeful that you can make an impact

It's time as individuals we start to think globally, rather than being led by consumerism and the "traditional" ways of the holiday.  

Here are examples of ways you can make a difference this Hanukkah/Christmas/New Years Eve/Holiday Season:
Volunteer to help youth who aged-out of the foster care system
Educate ourselves about the Orphan crisis 
Buy slave free chocolate
Help save a child soldier
Pray for those stuck in brothels
Buy a sex slave to give her freedom*
Give back and volunteer in your area

*I'm not really suggesting we all go buy sex slaves. Read the linked article - it's educational and challenging.

How are you giving the gift of a second chance this holiday season?

A RAD Kid?

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-Post by Foster Mom

I don't mean RAD in a "cowabunga", ninja turtle kinda way.  When M was first placed with us months ago, she got labeled with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  The therapist said she thought M has the disinhibited form of RAD.

Children with disinhibited behavior seek attention from virtually everyone, including strangers. - www.mayoclinic.com

RAD made sense and explained why she told us she "loved us" the first night.  Or why she would hold someones hand and a few minutes later proclaim her love for them..after JUST meeting them.

I know that a lot of RAD kid's display rage, tantrums and aggression.

M does not.

She hardly displayed any emotion at all.

Due to her lack of raging, I've always wondering if M really does have reactive attachment disorder.  I'm not a therapist or a mind reader, this is just based on my observations and googling skills...and I still don't have a firm conclusion.

In a previos post I mentioned I wanted to highlight how she's grown and flourished by living in a healthy and stable environment.  By sharing some of the RAD research I've done, in relation to who M was when she first came to live with us, I hope it will help show how far she truly has come...

Potential Causes for RAD in a Child 

• Neglect
• Abuse
• Separation from the primary caregiver
• Changes in the primary caregiver
• Frequent moves and/or placements
• Traumatic experiences
• Maternal addiction - drugs or alcohol
• Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills

M's "Symptoms" 6 Months Ago
*Please note, I feel weird calling it "symptoms" but am going by what my googling skills suggested

1. Displaying inappropriate signs of affection towards strangers
2. Poor peer relationships
3. Watching others closely but not engaging in social interaction (with peers)
4. Failing to ask for support or assistance
5. Obvious and consistent awkwardness or discomfort
6. Masking feelings of anger or distress
7. Intense control battles, very bossy
8. Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
9. Incessant chatter and/or questions 
10. Low self-esteem
11. Abnormal Eating Habits
12. Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection towards their parents.

*** 

M's Present Day Improvements

1. Displays appropriate signs of affection towards strangers - At the grocery store, M recently busted me for talking to a stranger about avocados...The old guy wasn't amused. 
2. Good peer relationships
3. Engages in social interaction (with peers)
4. Displays feelings of anger or distress - We now celebrate Maniac Mondays- It's M's post cry session and sassy 'tude, the day after she visits with Bio Mom.  I'm thinking about making it a National Holiday around our house.

M has grown from living in 6 months of stability, structure and out of harms way.  I plan on further examining her improvements in extended posts...so stay tuned.

Although M has made HUGE improvements we still have some present day struggles. M has hardships and as her foster parents, we struggle in learning how to fully meet her needs in certain areas.

M's "Symptoms" Present Day

1. Obvious and consistent awkwardness or discomfort 
2. Intense control battles, very bossy
   
3. Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
4. Incessant chatter and/or questions (Don't all kids ask a million questions?!)
   
5. Low self-esteem
6. Failing to ask for support or assistance - Has improved, but indirectly hints she needs help
7. Abnormal Eating Habits - Major improvement, but still working on it!
8. Difficulty showing genuine care and affection - HUGE improvement!

Every day we are working on minimizing the list. Today we worked on number six (affection). We snuggled and dramatically gazed into each others eyes while attempting to look like alien bugs.

Precious moments.

CLICK HER FOR A Symptom Checklist for Child Attachment Disorder

Help! Have you encountered any of M's present day symptoms with your kids?  Dying for some tips & tricks!

"I just want to live with mommy!"

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-Post By Foster Mom  
Bio Mom recently had her baby and he gets to live with her. She is living in a monitored facility so as long as she's there, the baby stays.

The past few weeks have been heartbreaking as M struggles in understanding why her brother gets to live there and she doesn't. I wish I could take her pain away and have magical words to help her cope...

M (with tears in her eyes): I like you and I like my mom. I just want to live with my mommy. I miss my mommy.

Foster Mom:  I'm sorry sweetie. I wish you could live with your mommy too. I'm sorry you feel so sad. 

M: When can I live with my mom?

Foster Mom: Remember the judge? Well, he'll tell us when it's safe and you can live with her. It could be months or longer. I'm sorry I don't have more info.

M: I miss my mommy and brother.  If I don't live with my mommy or you and "Foster Dad" will I live on the streets? Won't I get crashed?

Foster Mom: Crashed?

M: Crashed by a car. They are pointy and...I can't say it.

Foster Mom: What?

M: If I live on the streets the cars will crash me and I would die.  I don't want to die.

Foster Mom: We'll make sure you don't live on the streets.

We continued this convo for a few more minutes until she fell asleep in my arms...My heart hurts for little M.  She's 4 and worried about living on the streets.  I pray she feels loved and can find joy in her current situation, even through the pain of missing her mom terribly.

6 Tips For The First 24 Hours of Placement

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-Post By Foster Mom 

I've been reflecting lately on the first time we met M.  Her big brown eyes immediately captured my heart and her ability to perform Taylor Swift songs at any given moment can always keep me signing.

She's a remarkable child and I'm honored to know her and be apart of her story.  I wanted to share with you the beginning of our journey, and the mistakes and lessons I learned the first few days of meeting M.

6 (obvious) Tips For The First 24 hours of Placement

8 days after we "officially" got approved to be foster parents, I received a call around 2pm.  Our agency asked if we would want a 4 year old female. I got some more details and called Foster Dad.  After frantically hitting up Target for last minute necessities (kid's toothpaste, barbies, puzzles, gummies, blankets, cute stuffed animals, clocks..oh and a car seat!) Foster Dad and I drove a few counties over to pick up M.  Crazy how fast your life can change within 4 hours.


I. was. terrified.  
I would soon be a parent.
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
To a child who has 4 years of a story I know nothing about.   

We called the Director of our agency and desperately asked last minute questions...
How do we introduce ourselves to her?
Does she understand she's living with us?
What if she beats us up?

Tip 1. It's okay to ask crazy questions
 No question is dumb and will help ease your fears. Plus, I'm sure they've heard it all before.

The director of our agency didn't laugh at our questions but answered every single one and gave me her personal cell number in case I did get beat up...by a 4 year old.  She hung up after she gave me some final words of wisdom, which ended up being...

Tip 2. "4 year old girls talk non stop! Have fun!"
"But I'm an introvert..." I thought as I hung up the phone.  I filled Foster Dad in on the convo and we continued chatting.  He asked if I planned on sitting next to M on the way home.

"She's not a little baby...I'll play it cool in the front see. I don't want to overwhelm her. I bought preschool CD's and barbies, it'll be great."

Foster Dad had the only appropriate response, "You are heartless."

Tip 3. Don't be heartless (whoops)
You don't need to creep the child out with an abundance of hugs and kisses the first time meeting, but sitting next to them and playing on a long car ride home, obviously will help with the bonding process. I was fearful if I went overboard it would be overwhelming for her...but after following her lead and seeing she felt comfortable, we were giggling in no time.

Tip 4. Don't try to change the only thing they've had their whole life...their name (whoops)
Sitting in the back of the car we played barbies, chatted, giggled and I even gave her a nickname during the 2 hour ride...Which immediately got relinquished by Foster Dad pointing out that it's the only name she's ever known, why would I give her a new one now?! Sigh, I'm thankful I married such a smart man.  After 6 months of M living with us, she has a few nicknames...but it took time and happened more organically.

Tip 5. Don't watch creepy Lifetime Movies about foster kids
The first night was terrifying. But I blame my lifetime movie obsession for this one.  

Our agency person told us that M would most likely cry on and off throughout the first few nights, so we should be prepared. Our bedroom doors are adjacent.  We decided it would be best to sleep with both bedroom doors open (not a good idea). Every time she moved, I jumped up. I was waiting for her to cry, fall out of bed, stop breathing or be standing over my bed with a knife (thank you lifetime movies).  Of course that never happened and either did the tears, but the stress kept me up all night.

Tip 6. Don't pretend to be something you're not
Like a morning person.
By the time 5am rolled along, I was not happy to be awakened by M free styling a rap song. I got up and tried to pretend I was a morning person. After grabbing a mocha we went to the park, library, beach and walked the dog all before 8:30 (the normal time I start hitting snooze).

We pulled this schedule for a few days until I was burnt out and wanting to resign my "mother of the week" award.  Our case manager came over for our weekly visit.  She suggested showing M what 8:00 looks like on the clock.  When her clock looks like that, she can come out of her room.
"Are we allowed to do that?" I asked
"Why not?!" Case manager responded.

I was in love...with my case manager and this idea! I'm not sure HOW long M plays in her room every morning, but one thing remains the same...she still wakes me up signing.

***

Obviously, A LOT has changed since we first met her as she carried a small suitcase filled with a few outfits, a pink stuffed dog and a barbie with unintentional dreads. I have more sleep confidence as a parent and in M.  She has been living with us for almost 6 months now and we truly feel she's supposed to be here during this season of her life.  Over the next few posts I'm going to highlight how she's grown and flourished by living in a healthy and stable environment.

But first, what are some tips & tricks you learned during the start of your first placements?

Shocking Moments at Preschool

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Scene
Foster Mom is volunteering at M's preschool.  Join in on the awkward/uncomfortable/tell-all conversation she had with one of the Teacher Aids who helps in the class:

TA: So how long have you and your husband been married?

Foster Mom: A few years

TA: Wow! Do you have any of your own kids?

Foster Mom:  Not yet, we wanted to be foster parents first.  There's so many kids that need a good home...

TA: Ohhh, is there good money in it?

Foster Mom:  Not really, it hardly covers the basics.

TA:  Yeah, my husband and I thought about doing it.

--- insert pointless chatter for a few minutes that somehow transitioned to this ---

TA:  Ya know, it's hard not beating your kids. I used to beat my husband and first child. I had to work really hard to get out of it.  I'm surprised my husband even stayed around.

Foster Mom: (shocked) Wow. You are so great with the kids, I would have never thought you struggled with that. It's great you turned your life around.

And scene

Yes, this is the same woman who said "We have a few moms like that..." the day I cried at preschool.

White Milk, Drama and a Broken Heart

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In the 10 minute car ride home from preschool, M and I have some of our best conversations.

She hops in the car and the first words out of her mouth are always about what she ate that day.  Followed by:
I picked white milk today. WHITE MILK! Isn't that SUCH a healthy choice?! Aren't you soooo proud of me? I made such a gooooood choice. Yum!

I tell her I'm soooo proud and (in my mind) praise the school for only offering white milk as a drink option.

After I hear about her the school's healthy food choices she usually rats people out.

Drake had to sit in the blue time out chair today. He threw blocks at someone.

Missy said she has a boyfriend. I want one, but  I'm not 15. I'm only 4.

Ms. Tina called Jake a baby because he cried.

After filling me in on all the school drama, she tells me about all the fun activities she did.

I played with sticks. I ate lunch, and had white milk.  We sang songs. I played dolls. My baby was soooo sick and had to go to the hospital.

Every time I express my concern for the baby and asked why she was sick? M never gives a response.

After a few weeks of her doll being horribly sick, M finally answered my question.

My baby is sick because she has a broken heart. Nothing can fix it.

Her heart is broken...forever.

I try to get more details...Why did her heart break? What happened? But never get a response.  I turn on kid songs and she giggles and sings the rest of the way home...as I pray God heals the broken hearted.

A Grieving, Tattle Tale, Cry Baby

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Thank you friends and blog readers for your kind emails, prayers and support. We really appreciate it! The day after we heard the horrible news, I was crying on and off throughout the day.
At random times.
It was awkward. 

I would be laughing with a friend over lunch and the next second crying because I drank all my soda. I was a blubbering cry baby...with no soda.
Tragic.

At preschool M and I sat across from a mom hurling insults at her 3-year-old. The woman was yelling at her daughter because she wasn't drawing a triangle properly. She then started violently shaking her little girl to get her to pay attention.

This isn't the first time I've witnessed this behavior from this woman.  If she couldn't pull it together for 15 minutes at school, I can't even begin to imagine whats truly happening at home.

M sat there in silence, observing the relationship between mother and daughter. I said to the woman people at our table "This is absolutely ridiculous..." as tears rolled down my checks and I ran outside to hide in the corner.

I pulled myself together enough to head back inside to give M a hug and say my goodbyes.  On the way out I said to one of the teacher assistants:

I'm sorry, but Triangle Mom (name has been changed) is out of control. It is NOT okay to act like that.

She put her hand on my shoulder and responded: It's okay, we have a few moms like that.

 "We have a few moms like that..."
What the heck does that mean?! It's okay to be verbally abusive and shake your kid until they cry because other moms do it too?! This is the LAST thing M needs to be around right now...

The incident at preschool was the tipping point.

I was sad that M saw Triangle Mom hurt her child.
I was drained from endless phone calls with social workers and therapists.
and I was grieving.
M had lost her childhood before she was even born....

And I'm not sure the court cares.  To them, she's just another number.
And at preschool, it's just another mom.

How do we help children when all the odds are against them?

Walking Through The Storm

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Sunday we got some gut wrenching news.
The type of news that makes you want to throw up, punch someone and seriously question our court system and their theories on "protecting" children.

I haven't exactly processed through all the emotions yet.  My days continue to carry on and the tears are flowing less.  I'm thankful for a loving God who has caught every tear I've cried.

My heart is torn but through this I've found strength, love and comfort...and I know I can't attribute that to anything but God.

M is courageous.
Beautiful.
Strong.
She's sleeping safely under her covers, and that's what matters.

We've been able to shelter her from harm for almost four months now and I'm honored God entrusted her to us during this time of rebuilding...
Rebuilding her life and family.

This new info came at possibly the worst time for M's mom.
Bio Mom's been dealing with a lot and making huge strides with her counselor.  In the past, she would run when it gets hard and revert back to her old ways. So my prayer is that this hard to hear info. doesn't set Bio Mom back but that she can find strength and love to get through it.

I know this is vague and I hope you can respect our reasons for doing so...but please keep Bio Mom, M and us in your prayers as we walk through this storm together.

Parenting With Love and Logic

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Clearly I'm no expert on parenting. I'm four months in and struggling to stand...but, I have found comfort in our parenting classes. Foster Dad and I have been taking a Love and Logic Parenting class to get certification credits.  I wanted to highlight some key points we gained from the class.

We learned a lot but think M may have learned more from our new parenting techniques.

1. Give Them Choices You Can Live With
 Example) Your child's room is a mess. Instead of being Ms. Bossy pants you can say "Would you rather clean your room now or before dinner?" The child feels in control of the situation, and you'll be happy with either outcome.

Scene: M is in her room playing with her mom and daughter barbies. I am secretly listening in on the action.

Barbie, do you want carrots or apples with your dinner?

Celery

No, no...celery wasn't one of the choices.  Apples or carrots? 

Carrots!

What a fabulous choice!

***

2. Deliver a strong does of empathy, before delivering the consequence of "bad news"
Children need to learn that their mistakes hurt them.  This does not happen when the adult gets angry. The child's attention should be on his or her own life and decision, instead of an adult's anger. You can respond with the same empathetic statement every time they do something wrong.
Example) I say "That's sooooo sad." or "Ohhh I'm so sorry__x__ happened."

Scene: M was playing with our dog

Apparently the dog was misbehaving because M was gently saying "Ohhhh that's sooooo sad. I'm soooo sorry.  Do you think eating my toy is a good choice?"

***

3. "You're Draining My Energy"
Example) A child has a long tantrum.  You can say "I'm sooo sorry that you feel that you are having a hard day. You know, it's really draining my energy because I have to watch you complain and whine for an hour, why don't you go act that way in your room."

Then later when the child wants to do something fun with you, you can respond "I would have loved to go play with you, but I still need to get my energy back."  So the logical consequence to them having a tantrum is they miss out on some fun play time.
 
Scene: M and I were playing in her room

M: You know, you are really draining my energy.

Foster Mom: Oh, I'm so sorry you feel that way. What did I do to drain your energy?

M: You asked me to brush my teeth last night.

 ***

Kids say the darndest things! It's nice to see our new techniques are making some form of an impact...even though she's using them on everyone else! M is a really smart kid and some of the things she comes up with are pretty amusing.

I highly recommend checking out the resources and attempting some of their suggestions. Every time we've used the Parenting with Love and Logic techniques properly, M has more responsibility and we have less stress which results in more family fun.

Resources:
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
The Parenting with Love and Logic book

4 Secrets about My Role as a Foster Mom

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The blog has been quiet for a few weeks.
I wish I had something amazingly beautiful to post... sorry, but I don't.
I've been trying. But I'm just. burnt. out.

(Side note: If you want something beautiful to read, check out Peter's words on why he's a foster parent... )

One of my major pet peeves is when people facebook cry. 

Facebook crying: When someone posts a dramatic status update about how hard their life is. Can often occur by quoting a depressing, yet vague song lyric to throw themselves a pity party via the internet.

My goal for this blog is to be honest and open about our journey.  For me, writing is therapeutic and I prefer to reflect on fluffy feel good moments but lately those moments are outweighed by my tears.

So dear friend, if you want to join my therapy session... continue reading.
Disclaimer: There may be some blog crying involved in this post.

*** 

4 Secrets about My Role as a Foster Mom

1. I'm just trying to survive.
Foster Dad and I are taking classes so we can get our yearly credits to keep our certification. Our classes are filled with foster parents desperately trying to figure out the right way to help a hurting child:

What do we do when my 7 year old foster kid refuses to use the toilet and take showers? He will only go potty in a diaper and isn't potty trained.

We are having a hard time bonding with our 14 year old child...he's been with us for a year. A therapist suggested we start bottle feeding him so we can feel connected because he missed out on building healthy attachments as an infant.

Nothing we do to discipline the child living with us, causes a change in her actions. We've tried taking her favorite toy away, time ins, early bed times, etc...Nothing we do will get a response from her because it's not as harsh as the physical abuse from her past.

My heart breaks every. single. day for these children who've been hurt, abandoned or neglected.  There's often crisis situations with foster kids and the foster parents are left wondering "HOW do I show this child love? How do I get through to them?" Google doesn't always have the right answers and it's not always easy figuring out what will work.  Survival mode.

2. I appreciate your nice words but I'm not a saint... not even close.

I often feel guilty because people call us saints.
If you only knew... 

I'm not much of a touch person.  You try to give me a side hug and I'll clumsily go for the hand shake. My hugs for M are intentional but not organic.


I can't imagine Mother Teresa reminding herself to hug a child.

3.  I'm emotionally exhausted.
One of my best friends in college often said that my best and worst quality is that I care too much about people and their pain becomes my own.

When M reveals apart of her story to me, I've learned how to respond properly but have shut myself off to fully understanding her trauma.  I feel like I'm turning heartless or numb towards the reality of M's former life situation. I can't even begin to imagine how much M's trauma has hurt her....


4.  I'm soooo thankful for supportive family and friends
I haven't talked to my best friend in weeks because she's super mom and I feel like a loser because I'm holding on for dear life.  Survival mode, remember?  

Thank you for calling anyways and being so encouraging...

I'm so grateful for everyone in my support system. Thank you for just listening to me ramble on and on, praying for me, and not judging me when I cry like a baby.

***

People often ask "Knowing what you know now about being a foster parent and the system, do you regret signing up for this?"

Unfortunately M doesn't have a choice about being placed in the foster care system. But I do and I don't regret it one bit.  For right now, Foster Dad and I feel like we are supposed to be foster parents, and sometimes the right things in life aren't always easy.

I will now leave you with a vague song lyric to complete my blog crying...

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance.
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids' dance.

Please, go easy on me, or feel free to leave a Blog Comment cry. I'll pray for you and even give you a side hug if you need it :)

I Do So Much For You and This Is How You Act?!

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In second grade my mom bought me a huge box of new crayons.

All I remember next is that I was sitting against my bedroom door crying, breaking all 96 of my crayons, yelling about how mean my mom was.

My mom gently knocked on the door to see if I was okay.

"What happened to your crayons?"  She asked

"They came that way." 

She didn't call me a liar, or say how ungrateful I was. She just gave me a hug and helped me put my broken crayons back in the box.

***

Last night I told M I was going to tuck her in.
She grunted "Aughhhhhhhhhh, I don't want YOU to tuck me in!" Remember, she likes Foster Dad better? 

***

Last week at dinner, M refused to eat.  We asked her to try what was on her plate so she wouldn't starve.  She didn't want to eat anything so went through six different coping tactics which included an hour of tears and "I want to call my mom.  I don't want to be here..."

 ***

Moral of the story: kid's can be cruel, rude, annoying and mean...
Don't get my wrong, M is a GREAT kid most of the time...but we all have our bad days. Foster Dad and I didn't sign up to be foster parents so we'd get a pat on the back, but after some of M's rowdy days I could sure use one!

Kids won't thank you for all you've given them or sacrificed.  They'll complain, break their crayons (sorry mom!) and never fully understand how much you do for them....until THEY become parents.



So mom and dad, thank you for all you've done for me. Dealing with the bazillion gross diaper changes, tantrums and never ending talking.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you've made so we would feel loved and special. Thanks for always coming to all my sports games and being my number one fan. Thanks for not giving up on me when you mistakenly thought I was in a gang called black cats, when I got a D and locked myself in the bathroom and when I convinced my sister jelly gets gum out of hair.  I am honored to have you as parents, think you are super heroes,  and appreciate all you did and continue to do for me. Love you guys!

Question for parents: At what moment did you want to yell at your kid "I do SOOO MUCH FOR YOU and you are acting like THIS?!" This is your time to vent...

Who's The Favorite In Your House?

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M likes Foster Dad better than me. 

At first I felt a little hurt.  After all I'm the one taking her to and from preschool, appointments, visits and filling her life with magical adventures.

We are together the majority of the day.

Foster Dad comes home after a long day at work, tells a few jokes and wins her heart...Then again, that's how he won mine...

I grew up dancing on my dad's feet and thought of him as an everyday superhero. We played sports, he took me on adventures, and to this day...both of my parents have always supported and believed in me. Growing up in a safe and loving home has given me strength to dream bigger and laugh louder.

Every little girl should feel protected in their father's arms. M battles emotional scars daily because she didn't feel safe from the dads of her past, and is desperately seeking approval and love.

So after my twinge of 3 second jealosy for not being M's favorite, I reminded myself that Foster Dad is making a HUGE impact on her life!  He's a positive male role model and I pray that she will always remember the safety she's felt in his arms and learn to dream bigger and laugh louder.

I'm okay with the fact that I'm not M's favorite person at our house.  But I would like everyone to know, that our dog likes me the best.

10 Ways To Break Out of Routine

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Between Preschool, appointments, meetings, visitations and calls with the bio family our schedule is pretty routine.  M loves the structure and assurance of knowing what the next activity will be, but it does get pretty boring sometimes.  We still stick to our everyday routine and appointments, but also schedule in some spontaneous fun time...Yes, I did just say schedule and spontaneous in the same sentence...just go with it.

 Here's the list M & I are tackling to get out of our boring rut  *already completed

1. Take a walk...on the wild side *
Pretend you are on an adventure, give yourselves spy/explorer/frontier names, talk with accents and take time to explore. Walk your kid's pace and smell the flowers. Watch out for bees. 

2. Dance party *
Whoever can dance the longest wins. I count this as my gym workout.

3. Cloud Gazing *
Go to the beach/park, lay on a blanket and describe the shapes the clouds make.

4. Host a Show *
Videotape a baking show and make a pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.

5. Indoor S'mores
Turn all the lights off and use flashlights for indoor camping. Make s'mores in the microwave. See who can make the biggest marshmallow. This also works with peeps if you are looking for a new Easter tradition.

6. Indoor Camping
Sleep in an indoor tent at night. Have your husband dress in a bear costume and wake you up by shaking the tent and growling.  Make sure your kid doesn't have to go potty or the scare may result in an unnecessary accident.

7. Puddle Jumping *
Make some puddles and jump in them. Make sure you're outside or have waterproof furniture

8. Rappers Delight *
Pick a topic and freestyle a song.  We love playing this game in the car. The topic M ALWAYS picks are trees. I've been expanding my tree knowledge through google, hoping my next song will go platinum. Disclaimer: Parents really need to be in the mood because freestylin' gets old fast!

9. Have a staring contest *
Bonus points because it helps build attachment and you will probably win...unless you are indoor camping and your kid shines their flashlight in your eye, that could end in tragedy.

10. Do Something Special *
Make dinner together for a sick friend, random neighbor, or new mommy. Write a card and drop it off together. Pray it's edible!

Bonus: Are you REALLY bored?
Check out this HILARIOUS website http://www.randomthingstodo.com/

What are fun ways you break out of your routines, with or without a kid? Try something on your list, steal some ideas from our list or the comments below!