We had an amazing opportunity to pick the brain of someone who aged out of foster care and ended up homeless. Her responses are honest, raw and will tug at your heart...Take the time to read the response about her feelings towards her bio family and how her relationship with her dad was repaired. It's a beautiful story of forgiveness and grace.
Meet Felecia and read her story (Part 1)
Check back tomorrow for the conclusion and part 3. She'll answers our reader's questions.
I have many memories from before it they say children can even begin to remember. Few of these memories play in my mind like short clips of video and the others are more like faded photographs. Those that I do have seem to be connected to strong feelings at the time they occurred, many are fear and sadness but a few are very joyous.
I say this instead of choosing one specific memory because I remember reading in your blog once that y’all wondered if your “M” would remember things you did together once she is older (post is here)…though she may not remember specific details she’ll remember the feelings that come from her time with y’all and all of that goodness that youl are currently providing her, remembered or not, is building a solid piece of the foundation to her life.
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Q: Was there anything your foster parents didn't understand about being a foster kid, that you wish they did?In all honesty I struck gold when I landed with my last foster family. Pops had been a foster child himself and can easily relate to thoughts and feelings that I have. Momma understands the behavior that results from those thoughts and feelings and could work well with me to respond to them differently.
From my experience with Pops and Momma I learned that there are things that they could have done better and things that they did wonderfully that other foster parents should do as well:
- DO NOT make a promise you cannot keep. As foster kids we have trust issues. So, even if you have the best of intentions, do not give your word if you cannot uphold it.
- Fight for your foster kids and their needs, no one else is.
- Allow time and space…it is a whole new world coming into the home of a stranger to live, you don’t know the rules, expectations, beliefs, routine, or anything about this new environment. It is overwhelming and frightening.
- Be conscious of the feelings of the biological kids and the relationships that they are forming with us. K2 shared her parents with me and 13 other foster kids within 3 years. A few of them she called brother or sister only to have lost them. As foster kids we have a lot of hurt as it is and to know that another child was promised a sibling they couldn’t keep hurts us and the biological kids as well…especially when we form that sibling relationship and expect to keep it.
- Be inclusive and exclusive. Do things as a family with your biological and foster children (holidays are an important time to be inclusive; I know that trying to factor in schedules of your foster kids family is a hassle but try your best). My foster family went to Kings Dominion multiple times every summer and most foster families I saw would drop their foster kids off in respite care during these outings, Pops and Momma took me along and would invite N as well. It meant a lot that they were so inclusive of me and my twin. But there is a need to be exclusive as well. J and K2 especially, needed time alone with their mom and dad and sometimes I did too…they, as kids who shared their parents, needed time to feel special and I, as the foster kid needed that time as well in a different way and to discuss my situation in a more private forum away from the little ones.
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Q: Are you still in contact with any of the foster homes you've lived in?
Yes, the last foster home I lived in with Pops and Momma. Although they live halfway across the country from me now, we still see each other at least twice a year and talk on the phone almost daily. Their biological and adopted children are my siblings and they are my parents.
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Q: As a child, what was your biggest fear?
Skull Face/The Attic Monster – As small children Mother found entertainment in having Dad dress up in a very frightening skeleton Halloween costume and scare the bejesus out of us kids when we were bad. We ended up calling him “Skull Face” not knowing that it was Dad in the costume. Then when we moved into a house with an attic we were told that there was a monster who resided there and when we were bad they waited until nightfall (nothing like building anticipation and anxiety) and made us sit on the attic stairs. The house was really old and made odd noises as it settled at night... we thought that the “attic monster” was walking around above us.
One time Mother had a younger brother, who lived with us at the time, put on the skull face costume and hide in the attack and make noises as N and I sat there in fear…after about 30 minutes of this he came out after us and chased us. While we screamed to Mother, he slipped out of the costume and told us there was nothing there, and then sent us back to the attack stairs
One time Mother had a younger brother, who lived with us at the time, put on the skull face costume and hide in the attack and make noises as N and I sat there in fear…after about 30 minutes of this he came out after us and chased us. While we screamed to Mother, he slipped out of the costume and told us there was nothing there, and then sent us back to the attack stairs
Yeah, I know…my family is comprised of psychopathic weirdoes…in their defense, some of them are incredibly normal and lovable though…
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Q: As an adult, what's your biggest fear? Being alone. I do not mean this in terms of physically being by myself but in the sense of always feeling an empty loneliness, even in the presence of others. I am pretty sure it probably has something to do with the complete lack of meaningful relationships in my life due to my inability to trust people deep enough to form such relationships.
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Q: A lot of studies show that foster children have trouble with food and attachments. Do you have any "food" issues (hoarding, over eating, under eating)? Or did you get labeled with attachment disorders as a child? If you responded yes to any of these...how did you overcome them?I never had any food issues. Momma describes the only oddity that I had with food when I moved in with them, was that I didn’t know what to do with it all. At dinner time I would only eat very small portions and want to save the rest for later. Eventually I adjusted to always having food and didn’t do this anymore.
I was labeled with an attachment disorder and in all honesty still have issues today…I am very cautious about making friends and have a few close ones and not much of a social life outside of those friends and my family. I am aware this is an issue and try to get past it but it is difficult…
Unless there is strong commonality that is immediately realized then I am hesitant to engage others long enough to build any type of trust and form a long lasting relationship.
Unless there is strong commonality that is immediately realized then I am hesitant to engage others long enough to build any type of trust and form a long lasting relationship.
At this point in life I feel like I have to change that negative quality in myself, which is needed to sustain a healthy friendship…this is something I am working on and wish I figured out years ago.
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Q: Number one advice for teenagers in the foster care system?
Stand, speak, and fight for yourself!
I failed to do this and it only made things more difficult. Prior to aging out I asked my social worker to teach me three things:
How to understand/obtain a housing lease
How to understand/navigate the financial aid system for college
And how to balance a check book.
Instead she came over one day and asked me a series of questions, some of which I didn’t know the answer to. She then asked me if I could perform a series of tasks…the first thing she asked me to do was change a light bulb. Little did I know that was all it took to fulfill the standards of my independent living program.
How to understand/obtain a housing lease
How to understand/navigate the financial aid system for college
And how to balance a check book.
Instead she came over one day and asked me a series of questions, some of which I didn’t know the answer to. She then asked me if I could perform a series of tasks…the first thing she asked me to do was change a light bulb. Little did I know that was all it took to fulfill the standards of my independent living program.
So, before you age out demand, politely, that all of your questions are answered and that you are prepared to take care of yourself in a much bigger world than you have ever known…
Ask them for contact information if you need assistance
Ask them to help you get an apartment lined up for you to move into the day you age out
Find a job when you’re 16 and save all of your money for two years, you’ll need it when you start off on your own…
Ask them for contact information if you need assistance
Ask them to help you get an apartment lined up for you to move into the day you age out
Find a job when you’re 16 and save all of your money for two years, you’ll need it when you start off on your own…
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Q: What's your current living situation?Stable.
I currently live in my own apartment and have been here for 1 year 10 months and 3 weeks. This is the first place that I have had since aging out. Prior to obtaining this apartment I found a place to stay on my college campus (excluding summers and holidays), family/friend’s couches, and in “Old Red” (my minivan).
I currently live in my own apartment and have been here for 1 year 10 months and 3 weeks. This is the first place that I have had since aging out. Prior to obtaining this apartment I found a place to stay on my college campus (excluding summers and holidays), family/friend’s couches, and in “Old Red” (my minivan).
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Q: Did anyone in high school know you were in the foster care system? If so, what was it like?Only adults who worked there. I was afraid of the responses that I would get from my peers being that I was already a social outcast…this fear was one day confirmed when the nephew of my 1st social worker had learned very specific details of my case from her and threatened to tell people…
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Q: What are your feelings towards your bio fam? Do you currently have a relationship with them?This is a difficult question to answer due to recent events in my life and I am hesitant to answer it…I am only going to because the part that I am hesitant to share is the most meaningful and hopefully the most educational to others, and I’ll get to it last…
- My mother came from a very large family (she was number eight of eleven children). Throughout my childhood I was given little contact with her family. In my adult life I have come to know my extended maternal family a lot better and get along well with them.
- My feelings toward mother, or rather lack thereof, make me feel almost inhuman. There is complete absence of anything when I think of her. There are no memories of her that make me smile or feel any kind of comfort or warmth or anything…there’s just nothing…and there still isn’t.
- My biological father and paternal extended family -They are insane and I have nothing to do with them. “George” had visitation with my big brother, my twin and I apparently throughout our infancy and toddler years but after the finalization of his divorce from mother he never made contact with us. I do not know if this was due to lack of effort on his part or from mother making us disappear. I am pretty certain it was both…I did meet him when I was 15. He lived in the same area as we did at the time. M and N formed mild relationships with him for a few months before he disappeared again…
- My siblings are my world. They are the people in this life that I have the strongest bond with and probably always will. They are the ones that I have put myself in harm’s way for, as they did the same for me. They are the ONLY people who can make me laugh so hard it hurts, and provide me any true comfort when I am upset.
1. M is married (to a former foster kid) and they have two daughters. They live in a different state now so I don’t get to see them as much but we stay in touch.
2. N is married as well with two children (one biological and one soon to be adopted). She lives in the same town as me and we see each other daily, and I babysit A LOT…when her daughter was an infant we often laughed at how confused she seemed when I would hold her (I look and sound like her mommy) but she could still tell that I wasn’t…
3. D is my best buddy. We are more alike in personality than N and I. He’s 19 and trying to navigate the world…with a lot of assistance from N and I.
4. K1 is and will always be my and N’s baby girl…she’s a bright and beautiful young lady with a lot of potential in life.
In 2008, three weeks before Christmas, Dad came home to find that Mother had moved out with the assistance of her most current boyfriend and taken most of her and K1’s belongings. Dad immediately went to the schools picked up D and found that K1 had been taken out of school early…Dad called N and told her the news and he also told her to give me his number…
In 2008, three weeks before Christmas, Dad came home to find that Mother had moved out with the assistance of her most current boyfriend and taken most of her and K1’s belongings. Dad immediately went to the schools picked up D and found that K1 had been taken out of school early…Dad called N and told her the news and he also told her to give me his number…
- This is the hard part…growing up we were always told that Dad was our biological father and we had no reason to think differently. Even though growing up he was angry and not always the most pleasant person to be around, he had his moments. Moments where he would come outside and play with us, or teach us something new, and there was one day that I will never forget that he sincerely told me that he loved me. So my point is that back then, even though it was not the nicest or most consistent of relationships we still had a relationship. He is the only man in my youth who ever fulfilled the role as “dad”. A role that not even Pops could fully step into during the five years that I had no contact with Dad. From a girls perspective, there is just something about the bond that is formed with the first man that ever lovingly held your hand, laughed at your stupid jokes, or told you how pretty you looked with the worst of haircuts that can never be replaced or duplicated.
In 2008, three weeks before Christmas, Dad came home to find that Mother had moved out with the assistance of her most current boyfriend and taken most of her and K1’s belongings. Dad immediately went to the schools and picked up D and found that K1 had been taken out of school early. Dad called N and told her the news and he also told her to give me his number…
Worried about D and K1 I called, Dad was awkward and still his grumpy self at first but
invited me down to Tennessee. I was living in my van in Virginia Beach at the time (as I was no longer in school) I jumped on the opportunity to see my siblings and have a warm place to stay, so I gave my job a few days notice and headed southwest…
I stayed with my Dad for a month, and fell back into the role of cook, housekeeper, and
care giver. This time around it was different than how it was growing up. Back then he was demanding and expected that I do these things. This time however, my Dad, still angry and now broken, would say things like “you don’t have to do that”, “why don’t you sit down and take a break so we can just talk”, and the most shocking was “thanks Lee Lee (my nickname) I really appreciate you doing this”.
After this month of not being able to find employment in the tiny town I decided to come back to Staunton, Virginia. In January 2009 I signed the lease to my first apartment that I still reside in
now with Jayne Doe, my cat. I then found a job working for the state in a children’s psychiatric hospital and was doing amazingly well. Life finally seemed to be together for me and I took the opportunity to drive to Tennessee every chance I got to help out Dad and D.
After a year of custody battles and coming up with a divorce agreement, Dad finally accepted that he was single and stopped talking crazy about the worthlessness of his life. He started going to church and became the kindness, most giving man I have ever known in my life…He told us that he loved us on a regular basis. Then on one visit he sat at the kitchen table with N and I and completely broke down crying…he apologized for every hurt that he ever caused, every time he wasn’t there to protect us, and every moment of happiness that he missed with us that he was now sharing with K1….From that point on everything was so different…I had a Dad who acted like a Dad and it was just wonderful…
I spent the entire months of April and May with him this past summer. We spent time together working on the car while he told old drag racing stories, that I have heard a million times over, and he would say “you got your leadfoot from me”. We would all hang out at night after dinner and watch movies then sit and talk for hours while D gave his deep philosophical explanation of the plot afterwards. Dad even helped me make a poodle skirt for K1 to wear to school for “50’s Day”…it was he who suggested that we use a shoe string for the poodle’s leash as I had forgotten to buy ribbon while at the store…though I initially thought that it would look tacky, he made it work and K1 came home the next day absolutely ecstatic that she had won best dressed in her class.
Over those couple of months I learned that brake fluid makes for wonderful fingernail polish remover, that despite generational differences, fathers and sons can find hours of conversation in the slightest of common interests, and that any self conscious pre-teen girl can feel prettier than a super model so long as her Daddy tells her it is true and helps design her skirt…
However, on August 1, 2010 all of this ended…I was in Phoenix, Arizona for the Project Meet Me Halfway walk finale. Jimmy Wayne had finally reached the end of his cross-country trek to raise awareness of the struggles faced by foster youths aging out of the system. That day concluded the festivities with a walk into HomeBase Youth Services and the first Project Meet Me Halfway volunteer orientation given by Hasan Davis. During this orientation N kept calling me, which I didn’t find odd as she often repeatedly calls me. I switched my phone from vibrate to silent and planned to call her back after Hasan was finished. This was partially out of respect to those in the orientation and partially because Hasan Davis is such an incredibly engaging speaker that I didn’t want to miss anything…
Once the orientation had concluded I looked at my phone to call N back and saw several more missed calls and one text that read “emergency call now”. At this point my heart began to race and I silently slipped out and called her back…At first I couldn’t make out what she was telling me and then when I did it all seemed so unreal that I couldn’t believe it and repeatedly asked her if she was sure…my Dad had passed away that morning shortly after coming home from church.
Now, I don’t tell this for sympathy or condolences of any kind. Though the sentiment is appreciated, I don’t want it. I tell this story only to make this point to parents with children in the foster care system: you cannot erase the hurt or damages that you have inflicted upon your children; you simply cannot change the past. However, you can change yourself and learn to do right by your children and in the end that is what will make a world of a difference in their lives.
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Q: What was the hardest thing about aging out of foster care?
The unknown. There was no certainty, consistency, or stability about anything. When I turned 18, DSS gave me a suitcase and told me good-bye and good luck…
Had Pops and Momma, who had no legal obligation to me, not held on to me I would probably still be homeless and have done a few brief stints in jail by now…
I used to always hate when my social worker, or anyone else, used the term “real world” as in my eyes it was not the “real world” that I was ill prepared for. There was nothing more real than the world I grew up in, what I was not prepared for was the bigger world and when you age out and see the bigger world all at once for the first time and feel all of the pressures and responsibilities that go along with it…it is very overwhelming and frightening.
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Q: What do you wish people understood about homeless youth?
That they are anxiously waiting for you to step up and help them.
Most adults seem discouraged by the attitudes that these youth have towards them during initial interactions and due to that they believe that youth is a lost cause and they turn away…but this attitude is composed of basically three elements:
1. They are teenagers, what teenager doesn’t have an attitude?
2. It’s a defense mechanism. When you go through being a homeless youth and the circumstances that have lead you to that life everything is very primal and survival of the fittest. The attitude comes with choosing fight over flight. You have to act like you are the biggest guy out there so that when you do encounter the guy that really is the biggest out there he doesn’t beat you up and take your jacket…
3. It’s a front. When you get let down or let go of so many times you learn to build a wall and just tell people you don’t need their help. When in reality you are frightened beyond explanation of both your current situation and the hurt that comes with those offering the help potentially letting you down yet again.
Also, keep in mind trust is a huge factor. It is completely unreasonable to expect this attitude to change immediately when helping a homeless youth until a sense of trust is instilled in the relationship. It is also unreasonable and unfair to expect for a homeless youth to trust you when you do not fully trust in them. You have to earn that trust just as you expect them to do.
Furthermore, I have friend who is completely new to volunteering and the issue of foster youth aging out into homelessness. After volunteering with me one time and meeting some foster youth he made the comparison that “these kids are like dogs, if you don’t love them, they won’t survive”. Though it’s admittedly a rough comparison it makes a good point. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs shows us that a person needs to reach a level of “love/belonging” (level three) before they can master the next level of “Esteem”, where they can learn to become responsible adults and finally move on to “Self-Actualization”. The thing to remember is that this takes time and commitment. If you build a homeless youth up to this level of love and belonging and then drop the ball then they go right back to the “Physiological” (level one) and have to kick back into survival mode. Once this is done repeatedly (and probably has been multiple times already hence the trust issues) then it makes it more difficult for them to climb the ladder the next time around….so if you say you are committed then be committed.
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