-Post by Foster Mom
When we first decided to become foster parents, I secretly thought we would end up adopting our first placement. It would be the start of our family...and God would use us to help a hurting child heal. Perhaps I romanticized our roles as foster parents, but I don't think I did. It just wasn't our story.
I'm sure if you are reading this, you've been apart of our 8 month journey as M was living with us. As we started on this road to become foster parents we craved helping a child. We wanted to show them unconditional love. We wanted to teach them about second chances, hope and what a family looked like.
But that was hard because M hardly let us parent her. She had her mom and she missed her terribly. As their visits got more frequent, M pulled away more and more. We talked to her therapist, case mangers and social workers...trying to figure out how to best create a connection. The problem was, she has a mom and I'm not it. She was scheduled for reunification and our long term role in her life was quickly fading. We did the best we could do, gave her safety, stability and continued to show her what a family looked like. Something shifted in our minds though. We felt like glorified babysitters...and we had to be okay with that.
Don't get me wrong, we did have our special bonding moments. We took her across the country with us during Christmas where she experienced snow for the first time. We held hands and danced with princesses at Disneyland. We giggled as we cooked dinner together often.
But the majority of our special moments would end quickly as she thought of her mom. It was as if M had a constant battle in her mind as to where her loyalties were. Her mom always won.
Because of that we battled manipulation. She was constantly trying to be in control and hated anyone who gave her any type of consequences. On top of that...the consequences didn't even work. We went super nanny on her, we did time-ins, take aways, extra work...Nothing had an impact on her. Our job as "parents" was getting harder. And M got worse and worse.
Foster Dad and I struggled during the placement and often wondered if we were heartless because we had a hard time connecting. We wondered if we could truly love any child.
I remember one night we were at a training class and a family we had just met told us their struggle. They have a biological child who they love and adore. But they struggled bonding with the foster child that was placed in their home. The father said it was a constant struggle and left him feeling heartless.
I felt as if God was whispering to me "it would be okay" and we aren't abnormal.
I realized that (for us) we just have a really tough placement and we do have the ability to truly love a child...a child we adopt or have biologically. As we headed towards M going back to Bio Mom....we wondered what our next steps would be.
A month and a half before M returned to her mom, we found out we were pregnant! Now, I'm over 5 months pregnant and we are focusing on the next steps with our son. Foster Dad and I decided to take a break from being foster parents for now. Maybe forever. Maybe until our son grows a little older.
The other day at a party, I ran into the family we met at our training class and they told us some great news. The child they had a hard time bonding with reunified and now they have a new placement. They said the little girl placed with them is the best thing that ever happened to them. The father said he's so in love with this child and feels as if they've always been together.
Imagine if they gave up as foster parents what they would have missed out on? It still intrigues me...
What I've learned on this journey...
Every situation is different. Every child is different...and so is every parent. Sometimes your ability to connect may be hindered by circumstances out of your control but it doesn't mean it's not possible.
I still have a heart towards adoption and foster children. We just know our boundaries better and what we are capable of.
I am extremely thankful for all for your support and love during this journey!!
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In other news, I started a more public blog. If you would like to stay connected please leave a comment with your email address or email me at fosterparentjourney@gmail.com and I will send you the link to the new blog. I have loved having a community with you and sharing stories! Occasionally I will continue to update and process some thoughts through this blog too. When I need to be anonymous I'll write here. Thanks for reading and sharing your life with us!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
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