-Post by Foster Mom
When we first decided to become foster parents, I secretly thought we would end up adopting our first placement. It would be the start of our family...and God would use us to help a hurting child heal. Perhaps I romanticized our roles as foster parents, but I don't think I did. It just wasn't our story.
I'm sure if you are reading this, you've been apart of our 8 month journey as M was living with us. As we started on this road to become foster parents we craved helping a child. We wanted to show them unconditional love. We wanted to teach them about second chances, hope and what a family looked like.
But that was hard because M hardly let us parent her. She had her mom and she missed her terribly. As their visits got more frequent, M pulled away more and more. We talked to her therapist, case mangers and social workers...trying to figure out how to best create a connection. The problem was, she has a mom and I'm not it. She was scheduled for reunification and our long term role in her life was quickly fading. We did the best we could do, gave her safety, stability and continued to show her what a family looked like. Something shifted in our minds though. We felt like glorified babysitters...and we had to be okay with that.
Don't get me wrong, we did have our special bonding moments. We took her across the country with us during Christmas where she experienced snow for the first time. We held hands and danced with princesses at Disneyland. We giggled as we cooked dinner together often.
But the majority of our special moments would end quickly as she thought of her mom. It was as if M had a constant battle in her mind as to where her loyalties were. Her mom always won.
Because of that we battled manipulation. She was constantly trying to be in control and hated anyone who gave her any type of consequences. On top of that...the consequences didn't even work. We went super nanny on her, we did time-ins, take aways, extra work...Nothing had an impact on her. Our job as "parents" was getting harder. And M got worse and worse.
Foster Dad and I struggled during the placement and often wondered if we were heartless because we had a hard time connecting. We wondered if we could truly love any child.
I remember one night we were at a training class and a family we had just met told us their struggle. They have a biological child who they love and adore. But they struggled bonding with the foster child that was placed in their home. The father said it was a constant struggle and left him feeling heartless.
I felt as if God was whispering to me "it would be okay" and we aren't abnormal.
I realized that (for us) we just have a really tough placement and we do have the ability to truly love a child...a child we adopt or have biologically. As we headed towards M going back to Bio Mom....we wondered what our next steps would be.
A month and a half before M returned to her mom, we found out we were pregnant! Now, I'm over 5 months pregnant and we are focusing on the next steps with our son. Foster Dad and I decided to take a break from being foster parents for now. Maybe forever. Maybe until our son grows a little older.
The other day at a party, I ran into the family we met at our training class and they told us some great news. The child they had a hard time bonding with reunified and now they have a new placement. They said the little girl placed with them is the best thing that ever happened to them. The father said he's so in love with this child and feels as if they've always been together.
Imagine if they gave up as foster parents what they would have missed out on? It still intrigues me...
What I've learned on this journey...
Every situation is different. Every child is different...and so is every parent. Sometimes your ability to connect may be hindered by circumstances out of your control but it doesn't mean it's not possible.
I still have a heart towards adoption and foster children. We just know our boundaries better and what we are capable of.
I am extremely thankful for all for your support and love during this journey!!
--------
In other news, I started a more public blog. If you would like to stay connected please leave a comment with your email address or email me at fosterparentjourney@gmail.com and I will send you the link to the new blog. I have loved having a community with you and sharing stories! Occasionally I will continue to update and process some thoughts through this blog too. When I need to be anonymous I'll write here. Thanks for reading and sharing your life with us!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Michael Jackson, Drowning and a Playdate with M
-Post by Foster Mom (please ignore the mess, the blog is getting a makeover!)
A little less than 2 months has passed since M reunified with Bio Mom. Since then, we’ve had a handful of conversations and they seem to be adjusting well. We’ve always been upfront and have expressed interest in continuing a relationship with M….but during this transition we wanted to give them time and didn’t want to step on Bio Mom’s toes. Bio Mom called one day and told us that M was looking at the photo album we gave her, really missed us and was ready to hang out.A week later we got out the sand toys, juice boxes and beach chairs and loaded the car. On the way to Bio Mom's group home, I prayed I wouldn't go into "investigator" mode and quiz M...but rather try to let things happen organically.
And boy did they...
We knocked on the door and their stood the oldest looking 5 year old I've ever seen. M had on a beautiful Easter dress, white high heels, her hair was weighed down with product and I could hardly see her face under all the makeup she had on. Through the hugs and "hellos" I could see Foster Dad's confusion.
Foster Dad: You know we're going to the beach right?
M (shyly): Yeah I brought some beach clothes in my bag. I'm not going to drown right?
In the car ride M was nervous.
So was I.
Foster Dad told some jokes to make it less awkward...
which resulted in M saying about 40 times: You are sooooooo silly! He's sooooo silly!
It almost seemed like the M we remembered.
She then proceeded to tell us she saw Michael Jackson. The singer. Even though he's dead, she saw him. She feeds chocolate to the birds and misses her old room and our dog. She doesn't tell lies at her moms or do "inappropriate stuff". She eats super healthy - ranch and carrots.
M was spit balling randomness for about twenty minutes. I just listened and thought about how different her life is.
She lives in a group home. M shares a bedroom with her baby brother and her mom. The crib is overflowing with clothes and toys because there's nowhere else to put them and Brother is left sleeping next to Bio Mom. The majority of her toys and clothes she had at our house that we let her keep, aren't anywhere in to be seen. Her mom still has a friendship with "crusty dad" even after the social workers and therapists advised against it. Bio Mom has no job and no plans to get one anytime soon. The facility they live at is great. They have rules and a house-mom who is solid. Because of this, I know M is safe and will be okay.
As we got to the beach M informed me they are moving on Friday.
So much for the safety.
We got out the sand toys and M started playing. She wanted to be a seahorse named "M". She asked me to be the Mom turtle. M the Seahorse kept drowning, yelling and begging for someone to save her. After play-saving her 5 times, I asked her if we could play something else. She wanted to play house. M the Seahorse was in bed and kept getting covered by sand and yelling "I can't breathe..I'm going to die."
Obviously, I'm not a therapist. But I know it wasn't a good sign.
Foster Dad distracted her by flying a kite.
I sat and reflected on how much has changed and how much hasn't. It was good to see her, but it was hard. She arrived in our home acting over-sexualized, like an adult and fearful. She left foster care learning to create healthy relationships with others and connect with peers...and she acted her age. It broke my heart to see how fast those lessons have been unlearned.
I wish she was able to get adopted by a super awesome therapist that could help bandage up her wounds. She's 5 and has been around too much, causing damage, that will take years of repair. My prayer is that Bio Mom breaks the cycle for her children and gets the help little M deserves. M has so many talents and strengths and holds endless possibilities in her hands. How do I feel after all of this?
It was great to see M for the day and lavish her with compliments and hugs. I think in the foster care system, the bar is set way to low as to how reunification is determined. Minimal, the parents should go through all the training we had to go through to get certified. M's Bio Mom has made a lot of positive changes while M lived with us, but more needed to happen prior to reunification. My fear is that this will be a family in constant survival mode, living day to day....and the cycle continues....
It was great to see M for the day and lavish her with compliments and hugs. I think in the foster care system, the bar is set way to low as to how reunification is determined. Minimal, the parents should go through all the training we had to go through to get certified. M's Bio Mom has made a lot of positive changes while M lived with us, but more needed to happen prior to reunification. My fear is that this will be a family in constant survival mode, living day to day....and the cycle continues....
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Update our domain & big news coming soon
Hi gang.
So we have some new updates
1. Tomorrow our website is changing to www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
Please bookmark the change so you can stay in touch. We decided not to pay our current domain renewal.
2. Stay tuned for an update about when we spent the day with M.
3. Also stay tuned for a big announcement!
Coming soon at www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
So we have some new updates
1. Tomorrow our website is changing to www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
Please bookmark the change so you can stay in touch. We decided not to pay our current domain renewal.
2. Stay tuned for an update about when we spent the day with M.
3. Also stay tuned for a big announcement!
Coming soon at www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Reunification: M is back with her mom
-Post by Foster Mom
A lot has happened over the last few months.
It's been hard.
There are a lot of great memories and heartache I may end up sharing, but for now I'll just give you an update.
M moved back in with her mom, which was the goal from day 1.
The court approved it and the next day reunification happened.
Although it's been "looming" over our heads for a few months, it still seemed to happen pretty quick.
We made sure she had closure at preschool, with our neighbors, her therapist and other key players.
As we drove M to her mom's, I could tell she started realizing things were about to be very different.
Her concerns seemed to go away as soon as she was in her mom's arms.
Mine didn't.
This was a few weeks ago...
I was scared to call and check in. What if mass chaos happened? What if her mom doesn't let me talk to M ever again? What if...
I picked up the phone and called today.
M sounded older, more mature.
Some highlights:
A lot has happened over the last few months.
It's been hard.
There are a lot of great memories and heartache I may end up sharing, but for now I'll just give you an update.
M moved back in with her mom, which was the goal from day 1.
The court approved it and the next day reunification happened.
Although it's been "looming" over our heads for a few months, it still seemed to happen pretty quick.
We made sure she had closure at preschool, with our neighbors, her therapist and other key players.
As we drove M to her mom's, I could tell she started realizing things were about to be very different.
"My mom doesn't have a car....how will I get places?"
We praised the bus system and talked about her other concerns.Her concerns seemed to go away as soon as she was in her mom's arms.
Mine didn't.
This was a few weeks ago...
I was scared to call and check in. What if mass chaos happened? What if her mom doesn't let me talk to M ever again? What if...
I picked up the phone and called today.
M sounded older, more mature.
Some highlights:
Monday, February 7, 2011
Now Laugh! 2
-Post by Foster Mom
I tend to blog about the hard stuff...so thought I'd lighten the mood with some of M's great one liners and random moments.
During An Adventure Walk
aka walking the dog
Foster Mom: You're a good navigator
M: I'm not an alligator!
After Kid's Church
Foster Mom: Did you make any friends at kids church?
M: No! They were boring and picked their noses.
Cough Cough
Foster Mom: Oh no! Are you feeling sick?
M: No but the bunny in my throat is.
Foster Mom: What??
M: My mom told me there's a bunny in my throat.
After Getting Her Haircut
M: "I looked in the mirror and am really embarrassed!"
Nap Time Lurker
M: The dog just pooped in my bed and it's disgusting.
Night Time Pee
I went to tuck M in, who was already fast asleep on the floor.
She didn't go potty so I asked her to get up and go.
She went over and sat in her desk chair.
Yikes!
At The Movies
One of the trailers was Justin Bieber's Never Say Never.
M yelled for the whole theater to hear: Wow, Justin did so good!"
Apparently they are best friends.
Boy Crazy 4 Year Old
M: So when I'm really old, like 15, I'll get married.
Foster Mom: Hmmm..maybe you could go to college first, then get married.
M: Ok, so I'll be way older than you, like fifteen thirty. I'll name my husband Justin....Justin...Bieber.
Want some more randomness? Check out - Now Laugh! Part 1.
I tend to blog about the hard stuff...so thought I'd lighten the mood with some of M's great one liners and random moments.
During An Adventure Walkaka walking the dog
Foster Mom: You're a good navigator
M: I'm not an alligator!
After Kid's Church
Foster Mom: Did you make any friends at kids church?
M: No! They were boring and picked their noses.
Cough Cough
Foster Mom: Oh no! Are you feeling sick?
M: No but the bunny in my throat is.
Foster Mom: What??
M: My mom told me there's a bunny in my throat.
After Getting Her Haircut
M: "I looked in the mirror and am really embarrassed!"
Nap Time Lurker
M: The dog just pooped in my bed and it's disgusting.
Night Time Pee
I went to tuck M in, who was already fast asleep on the floor.
She didn't go potty so I asked her to get up and go.
She went over and sat in her desk chair.
Yikes!
At The Movies
One of the trailers was Justin Bieber's Never Say Never.
M yelled for the whole theater to hear: Wow, Justin did so good!"
Apparently they are best friends.
Boy Crazy 4 Year Old
Foster Mom: Hmmm..maybe you could go to college first, then get married.
M: Ok, so I'll be way older than you, like fifteen thirty. I'll name my husband Justin....Justin...Bieber.
Want some more randomness? Check out - Now Laugh! Part 1.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Lice Saved Our Relationship
-Post by Foster Mom
I would like to start by saying...I don't appreciate bugs and I don't do vomit.
I haven't puked since first grade. I think it's a world record.
I tried to google it but all that came up was "longest time without peeing world record". Impressive.
World record or not, I don't know what it feels like to get sick and it creeps me out. I'm afraid of it. True confessions of anteenage almost 30 year old drama queen.
Also, as I've gotten older, my love for bugs has dissipated. They have a home, and it shouldn't be anywhere near me.
Now that I'm married, if there's a gross bug or spidey in the house (and I'm not referring to Heidi and Spencer from the Hills) I yell for Foster Dad to smash it. This is what marriage is about.
Plus Foster Dad get's the job done and I don't have to risk the harm that could come from a miss kill.
I digress...
Let's backtrack to a few weeks ago on a Friday, shall we?
Foster Dad's reaction time was that of a ninja.
He ran into her room to discover....
Chunky
smelly
nasty
pizza vomit
everywhere.
He yelled. "She's okay but there's puke on her hands, all over her blankets, her pillow, her hair, stuffed animals, the floor..."
I hid under the covers and yelled "Ewwww! Do you need my help?" Please say no...please say no...please say no.
"I'll keep him." I thought as I hid under my protective shield being the worst mother in the world.
We were casually chit chatting and I saw something move...
on
M's
head.
I tried to play it cool...but couldn't contain myself and shouted
"English Speaking Mother (name has been changed), I saw a bug on M's head!!!!"
"It can't be..." Her voice trailed off as she started combing through M's hair.
It was.
I had a slow motion flash back of the handout I received from preschool two weeks earlier reporting creepy, crawly, crusty LICE!
This was my moment to shine. I could redeem myself after the pizza vom-fest a few weeks earlier. We headed straight for the pharmacy and got some treatment.
Bio Mom and M were supposed to have a sleepover the next day so I called to give her an update. I found out Bio Mom also had lice and the sleepover got canceled.
I spent the afternoon with plastic gloves on, a shield over my face and a scarf on my head, acting like a monkey pulling lice out of M's hair. She was very patient through this whole process, and girly screamed with me every time we encountered a beast.
A week of this and I've downgraded to bare hands and no shields. I have had a few miss kills but luckily they haven't crawled into my mouth.
Being a foster parent has challenged me in ways I would have never imagined.
M came to us being Miss. Independent and had basically raised her mother. They talk on the phone and M comforts Bio Mom. She's 4.
So when M got lice and let me pick crusty bugs out of her hair, it brought us closer. She had a need and let me fill it. This happened the week after she told everyone she didn't like me (post coming soon).
Lice saved our relationship.
We are officially lice free. I'm also happy to report we no longer do Pizza Fridays.
What are your creepy moments that are relatioship savers?
Or when have you broken out of your comfort zone to help your kid?
I would like to start by saying...I don't appreciate bugs and I don't do vomit.
I haven't puked since first grade. I think it's a world record.
I tried to google it but all that came up was "longest time without peeing world record". Impressive.
World record or not, I don't know what it feels like to get sick and it creeps me out. I'm afraid of it. True confessions of an
Now that I'm married, if there's a gross bug or spidey in the house (and I'm not referring to Heidi and Spencer from the Hills) I yell for Foster Dad to smash it. This is what marriage is about.
Plus Foster Dad get's the job done and I don't have to risk the harm that could come from a miss kill.
MISS KILL
When you think you killed a bug and you let your guard down. Then you find out you had bad aim and it crawls all over your body, into your mouth and then you vom out of sheer disgust. WAY TO RISKY, RIGHT!?
I digress...
Let's backtrack to a few weeks ago on a Friday, shall we?
***
"HELPPPPPPP!" M sobbed at 3am.Foster Dad's reaction time was that of a ninja.
He ran into her room to discover....
Chunky
smelly
nasty
pizza vomit
everywhere.
He yelled. "She's okay but there's puke on her hands, all over her blankets, her pillow, her hair, stuffed animals, the floor..."
I hid under the covers and yelled "Ewwww! Do you need my help?" Please say no...please say no...please say no.
"No."
"I'll keep him." I thought as I hid under my protective shield being the worst mother in the world.
***
Let's fast forward to last week. M and I were on a play date with a kid from preschool and his mom, the only English speaking mother I could find in the school yard.We were casually chit chatting and I saw something move...
on
M's
head.
I tried to play it cool...but couldn't contain myself and shouted
"English Speaking Mother (name has been changed), I saw a bug on M's head!!!!"
It was.
I had a slow motion flash back of the handout I received from preschool two weeks earlier reporting creepy, crawly, crusty LICE!
This was my moment to shine. I could redeem myself after the pizza vom-fest a few weeks earlier. We headed straight for the pharmacy and got some treatment.
Bio Mom and M were supposed to have a sleepover the next day so I called to give her an update. I found out Bio Mom also had lice and the sleepover got canceled.
I spent the afternoon with plastic gloves on, a shield over my face and a scarf on my head, acting like a monkey pulling lice out of M's hair. She was very patient through this whole process, and girly screamed with me every time we encountered a beast.
A week of this and I've downgraded to bare hands and no shields. I have had a few miss kills but luckily they haven't crawled into my mouth.
Being a foster parent has challenged me in ways I would have never imagined.
M came to us being Miss. Independent and had basically raised her mother. They talk on the phone and M comforts Bio Mom. She's 4.
So when M got lice and let me pick crusty bugs out of her hair, it brought us closer. She had a need and let me fill it. This happened the week after she told everyone she didn't like me (post coming soon).
Lice saved our relationship.
We are officially lice free. I'm also happy to report we no longer do Pizza Fridays.
What are your creepy moments that are relatioship savers?
Or when have you broken out of your comfort zone to help your kid?
The Unofficial Annoucment: M's going back with her mom
-Post by Foster Mom
Quick update:
I have a lot of things on my mind lately.
A lot of which, I can't yet really put into words...hence the blog silence.
It looks like (if all goes "well") M will be reunifying with her mom in a few months. This is probably the hardest part of our journey so far. M, rightfully so, has been having a hard time transitioning back after visits with Bio Mom (more on that later).
I'm grateful for her therapist who is helping in a lot of ways, and extremely encouraging to all of us.
More coming soon...
Quick update:
I have a lot of things on my mind lately.
A lot of which, I can't yet really put into words...hence the blog silence.
It looks like (if all goes "well") M will be reunifying with her mom in a few months. This is probably the hardest part of our journey so far. M, rightfully so, has been having a hard time transitioning back after visits with Bio Mom (more on that later).
I'm grateful for her therapist who is helping in a lot of ways, and extremely encouraging to all of us.
More coming soon...
Monday, January 17, 2011
How To Not Stress During the Reunification Process?!
-Post by Foster Mom
Alongside the professional experts (therapist, case manger, etc), Foster Dad and I have been focusing on a number of things while M is living with us. A few of them are:
I fear all our lessons will go right out the window as soon as reunification takes place in a few months.
EDIT {took out some details about how Bio Mom wasn't making the best choices during visits}
I knew this would be the hardest part. We've protected a child for months and to send her right back intodysfunction, unsafe relationships, something possibly yucky is heartbreaking.
So I asked the foster parents of twitter-verse in 140 characters or less how they cope with the stress of the reunification process? Their answers has helped them through the high and lows and are located below the bow.
Thank you to @schneidleraj, @mmm325, @krysta221, @tikunolam2pt0,
What's your advice or thoughts? How do you deal with the reunification process?
Alongside the professional experts (therapist, case manger, etc), Foster Dad and I have been focusing on a number of things while M is living with us. A few of them are:
- Teaching her about eating healthy
- Showing her what a safe home looks like and what to do if she doesn't feel safe.
I fear all our lessons will go right out the window as soon as reunification takes place in a few months.
EDIT {took out some details about how Bio Mom wasn't making the best choices during visits}
I knew this would be the hardest part. We've protected a child for months and to send her right back into
So I asked the foster parents of twitter-verse in 140 characters or less how they cope with the stress of the reunification process? Their answers has helped them through the high and lows and are located below the bow.
Thank you to @schneidleraj, @mmm325, @krysta221, @tikunolam2pt0,
@RichHefty and @missionminded25 for sharing!
What's your advice or thoughts? How do you deal with the reunification process?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Family Drama with Bio Mom
-Post by Foster Mom
M's Bio Mom recently set up strict boundaries with her immediate family because they were more harm than good.
She has no one.
The one person who brought her comfort in days past, got taken from her.
And is now living in my home.
Hugging me daily.
Whispering her preschool secrets in my ear.
When she falls at the playground, I'm the one she cries for.
And I comfort her.
I can't imagine the heartache Bio Mom has endured.
She's been in foster care,
on the streets,
survived gang fights,
domestic violence,
fought for her life
and now this.
It was enough to challenge her to get her act together, and make some positive changes.
Good changes. Changes that need to happen for her to get her daughter back.
A few months ago I was talking on the phone with M's mom. Our conversation was transparent, loving and respectful. We talked about our concerns and shared updates.
During our phone call Bio Mom showed me a glimpse into their past.
I could hear the pain and fear in her voice.
I felt honored that she is starting to trust me and that I could try to be an encouragement to her.
She told me she was happy M was spending Christmas with us...
We aren't related by blood, so her words caught me off guard. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true.
Sometimes I get frustrated with Bio Mom and her crusty choices she's made in the past. Trust me, there's plenty of family drama.
But then there are times I'm left in awe. Like the time she put together a HUGE Halloween party (without having any money) for everyone in her program and the kids, so M could have a special visit. Bio Mom even thought of Foster Dad and I and gave us homemade cookies. Don't worry, we weren't poisoned. I've watched enough Lifetime movies to know I need to let Bio Mom eat her cookie first. There were games, costumes, decorations and even some of M's favorite ghetto, hip hop music (we are working on that).
I don't condune the choices Bio Mom has made in the past that has resulted in M being placed with us. But I am fully confident Bio Mom has made huge positive changes and is growing healthier everyday.
I'm beyond grateful we have a growing relationship with her and am thankful we are family through love. Plus, I'd hate to be on her bad side...
M's Bio Mom recently set up strict boundaries with her immediate family because they were more harm than good.
She has no one.
The one person who brought her comfort in days past, got taken from her.
And is now living in my home.
Hugging me daily.
Whispering her preschool secrets in my ear.
When she falls at the playground, I'm the one she cries for.
And I comfort her.
I can't imagine the heartache Bio Mom has endured.
She's been in foster care,
on the streets,
survived gang fights,
domestic violence,
fought for her life
and now this.
It was enough to challenge her to get her act together, and make some positive changes.
Good changes. Changes that need to happen for her to get her daughter back.
A few months ago I was talking on the phone with M's mom. Our conversation was transparent, loving and respectful. We talked about our concerns and shared updates.
During our phone call Bio Mom showed me a glimpse into their past.
I could hear the pain and fear in her voice.
I felt honored that she is starting to trust me and that I could try to be an encouragement to her.
She told me she was happy M was spending Christmas with us...
"After all, we're family" Bio Mom said.
We aren't related by blood, so her words caught me off guard. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true.
Sometimes I get frustrated with Bio Mom and her crusty choices she's made in the past. Trust me, there's plenty of family drama.
But then there are times I'm left in awe. Like the time she put together a HUGE Halloween party (without having any money) for everyone in her program and the kids, so M could have a special visit. Bio Mom even thought of Foster Dad and I and gave us homemade cookies. Don't worry, we weren't poisoned. I've watched enough Lifetime movies to know I need to let Bio Mom eat her cookie first. There were games, costumes, decorations and even some of M's favorite ghetto, hip hop music (we are working on that).
I don't condune the choices Bio Mom has made in the past that has resulted in M being placed with us. But I am fully confident Bio Mom has made huge positive changes and is growing healthier everyday.
I'm beyond grateful we have a growing relationship with her and am thankful we are family through love. Plus, I'd hate to be on her bad side...
Monday, December 20, 2010
How To Have A Great Holiday Season: Get Out Of Your Bubble
-Post by Foster Mom
This Holiday season I am left feeling very thankful, hopeful and angry.
Before you start painting me green and calling me "the Grinch", let me explain.
I'm thankful for the birth of a Savior.
I'm hopeful in a God who can turn circumstances around,
but I'm sometimes angry when He doesn't.
I'm thankful I have hardworking, moral parents without addictions clouding their judgment. I'm hopeful that M's Bio Mom really is changing...
and am angry at all those abusive, addicted, selfish parents that are stealing their children's innocence.
I am thankful I live in a country with resources
Hopeful for opportunities
but sometimes hate that we live in a culture of superfluity, where media is in your face
all
the
time.
It can easily consume our every waking moments and cause us to miss the important things...
The reality I was living in for so long has been torn up these past 6 months.
All because I decided to become a foster parent.
It's opened my eyes and has helped me see outside of my safe, little bubble.
I'm learning to be more "in the moment" and aware.
Aware of the aged-out foster youth who doesn't have a family to spend time with over the holidays. (TRUE STORY)
Or the person living in the United States, who is stuck in a brothel, forced to barter sex for mere pennies and their dignity (TRUE STORY)
I'm aware of the tragedy of children soldiers (TRUE STORY)
and that domestic sex trafficking is real (TRUE STORY)
I'm aware that the majority of our yummy Christmas chocolate comes from a child slave (TRUE STORY)
and I'm aware of a mother who attempted to sell her little baby girl for drugs
a town over
from where I live.
I am thankful she was caught.
All of these horrible tragedies...is a person's reality.
In the midst of a busy Holiday season as we get swept up in the consumerism of things...I challenge myself (and you, if you're interested):
It's time as individuals we start to think globally, rather than being led by consumerism and the "traditional" ways of the holiday.
Here are examples of ways you can make a difference this Hanukkah/Christmas/New Years Eve/Holiday Season:
Volunteer to help youth who aged-out of the foster care system
Educate ourselves about the Orphan crisis
Buy slave free chocolate
Help save a child soldier
Pray for those stuck in brothels
Buy a sex slave to give her freedom*
Give back and volunteer in your area
*I'm not really suggesting we all go buy sex slaves. Read the linked article - it's educational and challenging.
How are you giving the gift of a second chance this holiday season?
This Holiday season I am left feeling very thankful, hopeful and angry.
Before you start painting me green and calling me "the Grinch", let me explain.
I'm thankful for the birth of a Savior.I'm hopeful in a God who can turn circumstances around,
but I'm sometimes angry when He doesn't.
I'm thankful I have hardworking, moral parents without addictions clouding their judgment. I'm hopeful that M's Bio Mom really is changing...
and am angry at all those abusive, addicted, selfish parents that are stealing their children's innocence.
I am thankful I live in a country with resources
Hopeful for opportunities
but sometimes hate that we live in a culture of superfluity, where media is in your face
all
the
time.
It can easily consume our every waking moments and cause us to miss the important things...
The reality I was living in for so long has been torn up these past 6 months.
All because I decided to become a foster parent.
It's opened my eyes and has helped me see outside of my safe, little bubble.
I'm learning to be more "in the moment" and aware.
Aware of the aged-out foster youth who doesn't have a family to spend time with over the holidays. (TRUE STORY)
Or the person living in the United States, who is stuck in a brothel, forced to barter sex for mere pennies and their dignity (TRUE STORY)
I'm aware of the tragedy of children soldiers (TRUE STORY)
and that domestic sex trafficking is real (TRUE STORY)
I'm aware that the majority of our yummy Christmas chocolate comes from a child slave (TRUE STORY)
and I'm aware of a mother who attempted to sell her little baby girl for drugs
a town over
from where I live.
I am thankful she was caught.
All of these horrible tragedies...is a person's reality.
In the midst of a busy Holiday season as we get swept up in the consumerism of things...I challenge myself (and you, if you're interested):
- To be thankful for the blessings in your life
- To slow down and notice the unjust in our world
- Get angry and passionate enough to make a difference
- Be hopeful that you can make an impact
It's time as individuals we start to think globally, rather than being led by consumerism and the "traditional" ways of the holiday.
Here are examples of ways you can make a difference this Hanukkah/Christmas/New Years Eve/Holiday Season:
Volunteer to help youth who aged-out of the foster care system
Educate ourselves about the Orphan crisis
Buy slave free chocolate
Help save a child soldier
Pray for those stuck in brothels
Buy a sex slave to give her freedom*
Give back and volunteer in your area
*I'm not really suggesting we all go buy sex slaves. Read the linked article - it's educational and challenging.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Readers' Questions: Felecia's Answers (Part 3)
Meet Felecia and read her story (Part 1)
Our Q&A with Felecia (Part 2)
The goal of our Q&A is to help educate people and bring awareness towards the issue of youth aging-out of the foster care system. A while ago our readers submitted some questions to Felecia, a young woman who aged out of foster care. M, our 4 year old foster daughter also had some questions. I'm honored she took the time to answer all of our questions and yours. So thank you, Felecia!!
Our Q&A with Felecia (Part 2)
The goal of our Q&A is to help educate people and bring awareness towards the issue of youth aging-out of the foster care system. A while ago our readers submitted some questions to Felecia, a young woman who aged out of foster care. M, our 4 year old foster daughter also had some questions. I'm honored she took the time to answer all of our questions and yours. So thank you, Felecia!!
Q from M: What happened to your mom?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Q&A with Felecia (Part 2)
We had an amazing opportunity to pick the brain of someone who aged out of foster care and ended up homeless. Her responses are honest, raw and will tug at your heart...Take the time to read the response about her feelings towards her bio family and how her relationship with her dad was repaired. It's a beautiful story of forgiveness and grace.
Meet Felecia and read her story (Part 1)
Check back tomorrow for the conclusion and part 3. She'll answers our reader's questions.
Q: What's your earliest child hood memory?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Felecia's Story: 19 & Homeless
(Intro from Foster Mom) We all have a story. Felecia's story is filled with heartache, abandonment and pain. She's overcome adversity and has yet to give up. I'm honored to feature such a courageous woman on our blog. My hope is that her story compels you to take action against whatever obstacles are standing in your way. Or better yet...may her words challenge you to reach out to the homeless youth or foster children in your community.
This is the first time she's shared her story...
Friday, December 10, 2010
A RAD Kid?
-Post by Foster Mom
Children with disinhibited behavior seek attention from virtually everyone, including strangers. - www.mayoclinic.com
RAD made sense and explained why she told us she "loved us" the first night. Or why she would hold someones hand and a few minutes later proclaim her love for them..after JUST meeting them.
I know that a lot of RAD kid's display rage, tantrums and aggression.
M does not.
She hardly displayed any emotion at all.
Due to her lack of raging, I've always wondering if M really does have reactive attachment disorder. I'm not a therapist or a mind reader, this is just based on my observations and googling skills...and I still don't have a firm conclusion.
In a previos post I mentioned I wanted to highlight how she's grown and flourished by living in a healthy and stable environment. By sharing some of the RAD research I've done, in relation to who M was when she first came to live with us, I hope it will help show how far she truly has come...
Potential Causes for RAD in a Child
- Neglect
- Abuse
- Separation from the primary caregiver
- Changes in the primary caregiver
- Frequent moves and/or placements
- Traumatic experiences
- Maternal addiction - drugs or alcohol
- Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills
M's "Symptoms" 6 Months Ago
*Please note, I feel weird calling it "symptoms" but am going by what my googling skills suggested
*Please note, I feel weird calling it "symptoms" but am going by what my googling skills suggested
- Displaying inappropriate signs of affection towards strangers
- Poor peer relationships
- Watching others closely but not engaging in social interaction (with peers)
- Failing to ask for support or assistance
- Obvious and consistent awkwardness or discomfort
- Masking feelings of anger or distress
- Intense control battles, very bossy
- Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
- Incessant chatter and/or questions
- Low self-esteem
- Abnormal Eating Habits
- Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection towards their parents.
***
Although M has made HUGE improvements we still have some present day struggles. M has hardships and as her foster parents, we struggle in learning how to fully meet her needs in certain areas.
M's "Symptoms" Present DayM's Present Day Improvements
- Displays appropriate signs of affection towards strangers - At the grocery store, M recently busted me for talking to a stranger about avocados...The old guy wasn't amused.
- Good peer relationships
- Engages in social interaction (with peers)
- Displays feelings of anger or distress - We now celebrate Maniac Mondays- It's M's post cry session and sassy 'tude, the day after she visits with Bio Mom. I'm thinking about making it a National Holiday around our house.
M has grown from living in 6 months of stability, structure and out of harms way. I plan on further examining her improvements in extended posts...so stay tuned.
Although M has made HUGE improvements we still have some present day struggles. M has hardships and as her foster parents, we struggle in learning how to fully meet her needs in certain areas.
- Obvious and consistent awkwardness or discomfort
- Intense control battles, very bossy
- Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
- Incessant chatter and/or questions (Don't all kids ask a million questions?!)
- Low self-esteem
- Failing to ask for support or assistance - Has improved, but indirectly hints she needs help
- Abnormal Eating Habits - Major improvement, but still working on it!
- Difficulty showing genuine care and affection - HUGE improvement!
Precious moments.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"I just want to live with mommy!"
-Post By Foster Mom
Bio Mom recently had her baby and he gets to live with her. She is living in a monitored facility so as long as she's there, the baby stays.
The past few weeks have been heartbreaking as M struggles in understanding why her brother gets to live there and she doesn't. I wish I could take her pain away and have magical words to help her cope...
We continued this convo for a few more minutes until she fell asleep in my arms...My heart hurts for little M. She's 4 and worried about living on the streets. I pray she feels loved and can find joy in her current situation, even through the pain of missing her mom terribly.
Bio Mom recently had her baby and he gets to live with her. She is living in a monitored facility so as long as she's there, the baby stays.
The past few weeks have been heartbreaking as M struggles in understanding why her brother gets to live there and she doesn't. I wish I could take her pain away and have magical words to help her cope...
M (with tears in her eyes): I like you and I like my mom. I just want to live with my mommy. I miss my mommy.
Foster Mom: I'm sorry sweetie. I wish you could live with your mommy too. I'm sorry you feel so sad.
M: When can I live with my mom?
Foster Mom: Remember the judge? Well, he'll tell us when it's safe and you can live with her. It could be months or longer. I'm sorry I don't have more info.
M: I miss my mommy and brother. If I don't live with my mommy or you and "Foster Dad" will I live on the streets? Won't I get crashed?
Foster Mom: Crashed?
M: Crashed by a car. They are pointy and...I can't say it.
Foster Mom: What?
M: If I live on the streets the cars will crash me and I would die. I don't want to die.
Foster Mom: We'll make sure you don't live on the streets.
We continued this convo for a few more minutes until she fell asleep in my arms...My heart hurts for little M. She's 4 and worried about living on the streets. I pray she feels loved and can find joy in her current situation, even through the pain of missing her mom terribly.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
6 Tips For The First 24 Hours of Placement
-Post By Foster Mom
I've been reflecting lately on the first time we met M. Her big brown eyes immediately captured my heart and her ability to perform Taylor Swift songs at any given moment can always keep me signing.
She's a remarkable child and I'm honored to know her and be apart of her story. I wanted to share with you the beginning of our journey, and the mistakes and lessons I learned the first few days of meeting M.
I. was. terrified.
I would soon be a parent.
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
To a child who has 4 years of a story I know nothing about.
We called the Director of our agency and desperately asked last minute questions...
How do we introduce ourselves to her?
Does she understand she's living with us?
What if she beats us up?
Tip 1. It's okay to ask crazy questions
No question is dumb and will help ease your fears. Plus, I'm sure they've heard it all before.
The director of our agency didn't laugh at our questions but answered every single one and gave me her personal cell number in case I did get beat up...by a 4 year old. She hung up after she gave me some final words of wisdom, which ended up being...
Tip 4. Don't try to change the only thing they've had their whole life...their name (whoops)
Sitting in the back of the car we played barbies, chatted, giggled and I even gave her a nickname during the 2 hour ride...Which immediately got relinquished by Foster Dad pointing out that it's the only name she's ever known, why would I give her a new one now?! Sigh, I'm thankful I married such a smart man. After 6 months of M living with us, she has a few nicknames...but it took time and happened more organically.
Tip 5. Don't watch creepy Lifetime Movies about foster kids
The first night was terrifying. But I blame my lifetime movie obsession for this one.
Our agency person told us that M would most likely cry on and off throughout the first few nights, so we should be prepared. Our bedroom doors are adjacent. We decided it would be best to sleep with both bedroom doors open (not a good idea). Every time she moved, I jumped up. I was waiting for her to cry, fall out of bed, stop breathing or be standing over my bed with a knife (thank you lifetime movies). Of course that never happened and either did the tears, but the stress kept me up all night.
Tip 6. Don't pretend to be something you're not
Like a morning person.
By the time 5am rolled along, I was not happy to be awakened by M free styling a rap song. I got up and tried to pretend I was a morning person. After grabbing a mocha we went to the park, library, beach and walked the dog all before 8:30 (the normal time I start hitting snooze).
We pulled this schedule for a few days until I was burnt out and wanting to resign my "mother of the week" award. Our case manager came over for our weekly visit. She suggested showing M what 8:00 looks like on the clock. When her clock looks like that, she can come out of her room.
"Are we allowed to do that?" I asked
"Why not?!" Case manager responded.
I was in love...with my case manager and this idea! I'm not sure HOW long M plays in her room every morning, but one thing remains the same...she still wakes me up signing.
Obviously, A LOT has changed since we first met her as she carried a small suitcase filled with a few outfits, a pink stuffed dog and a barbie with unintentional dreads. I have more sleep confidence as a parent and in M. She has been living with us for almost 6 months now and we truly feel she's supposed to be here during this season of her life. Over the next few posts I'm going to highlight how she's grown and flourished by living in a healthy and stable environment.
But first, what are some tips & tricks you learned during the start of your first placements?
She's a remarkable child and I'm honored to know her and be apart of her story. I wanted to share with you the beginning of our journey, and the mistakes and lessons I learned the first few days of meeting M.
6 (obvious) Tips For The First 24 hours of Placement
8 days after we "officially" got approved to be foster parents, I received a call around 2pm. Our agency asked if we would want a 4 year old female. I got some more details and called Foster Dad. After frantically hitting up Target for last minute necessities (kid's toothpaste, barbies, puzzles, gummies, blankets, cute stuffed animals, clocks..oh and a car seat!) Foster Dad and I drove a few counties over to pick up M. Crazy how fast your life can change within 4 hours.I. was. terrified.
I would soon be a parent.
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
To a child who has 4 years of a story I know nothing about.
We called the Director of our agency and desperately asked last minute questions...
How do we introduce ourselves to her?
Does she understand she's living with us?
What if she beats us up?
Tip 1. It's okay to ask crazy questions
No question is dumb and will help ease your fears. Plus, I'm sure they've heard it all before.
The director of our agency didn't laugh at our questions but answered every single one and gave me her personal cell number in case I did get beat up...by a 4 year old. She hung up after she gave me some final words of wisdom, which ended up being...
Tip 2. "4 year old girls talk non stop! Have fun!"
"But I'm an introvert..." I thought as I hung up the phone. I filled Foster Dad in on the convo and we continued chatting. He asked if I planned on sitting next to M on the way home.
Foster Dad had the only appropriate response, "You are heartless."
Tip 3. Don't be heartless (whoops)
You don't need to creep the child out with an abundance of hugs and kisses the first time meeting, but sitting next to them and playing on a long car ride home, obviously will help with the bonding process. I was fearful if I went overboard it would be overwhelming for her...but after following her lead and seeing she felt comfortable, we were giggling in no time.
"But I'm an introvert..." I thought as I hung up the phone. I filled Foster Dad in on the convo and we continued chatting. He asked if I planned on sitting next to M on the way home.
"She's not a little baby...I'll play it cool in the front see. I don't want to overwhelm her. I bought preschool CD's and barbies, it'll be great."
Foster Dad had the only appropriate response, "You are heartless."
Tip 3. Don't be heartless (whoops)
You don't need to creep the child out with an abundance of hugs and kisses the first time meeting, but sitting next to them and playing on a long car ride home, obviously will help with the bonding process. I was fearful if I went overboard it would be overwhelming for her...but after following her lead and seeing she felt comfortable, we were giggling in no time.
Tip 4. Don't try to change the only thing they've had their whole life...their name (whoops)
Sitting in the back of the car we played barbies, chatted, giggled and I even gave her a nickname during the 2 hour ride...Which immediately got relinquished by Foster Dad pointing out that it's the only name she's ever known, why would I give her a new one now?! Sigh, I'm thankful I married such a smart man. After 6 months of M living with us, she has a few nicknames...but it took time and happened more organically.
Tip 5. Don't watch creepy Lifetime Movies about foster kids
The first night was terrifying. But I blame my lifetime movie obsession for this one.
Our agency person told us that M would most likely cry on and off throughout the first few nights, so we should be prepared. Our bedroom doors are adjacent. We decided it would be best to sleep with both bedroom doors open (not a good idea). Every time she moved, I jumped up. I was waiting for her to cry, fall out of bed, stop breathing or be standing over my bed with a knife (thank you lifetime movies). Of course that never happened and either did the tears, but the stress kept me up all night.
Tip 6. Don't pretend to be something you're not
Like a morning person.
By the time 5am rolled along, I was not happy to be awakened by M free styling a rap song. I got up and tried to pretend I was a morning person. After grabbing a mocha we went to the park, library, beach and walked the dog all before 8:30 (the normal time I start hitting snooze).
We pulled this schedule for a few days until I was burnt out and wanting to resign my "mother of the week" award. Our case manager came over for our weekly visit. She suggested showing M what 8:00 looks like on the clock. When her clock looks like that, she can come out of her room.
"Are we allowed to do that?" I asked
"Why not?!" Case manager responded.
I was in love...with my case manager and this idea! I'm not sure HOW long M plays in her room every morning, but one thing remains the same...she still wakes me up signing.
***
Friday, December 3, 2010
Trouble! Pop-o-matic
-Post By Foster Dad
I bought the game Trouble to play with M, hoping it would be a simple game to learn counting, competition, and focus. Epic FAIL! All that's happen is my hair starting to fall out! It says 5+ on the box. M is only 4. Is there some kind of magical mental block against moving a game piece a number of spaces? Is it lifted when you cross from 4 to 5?!!
I took out every rule except one: pop the bubble and move your piece the number on the dice. She can pop the bubble. She can read the number on the dice. She can count to that number. She can move the piece one space at a time and count as she goes, but she can't start with 1 at the next space. She sits there counting 1 without moving the piece! It's driving me crazy. I told her to start with 0, then start moving and that actually helped, but now there's a new problem.
She'll be playing fine and moving along, then a brain switch flicks and she won't move the piece without looking at me and waiting for me to say "yes" as if she needs approval for each and every space moved because her confidence is at big fat ZERO!! If I don't look at her and say, stare at the board, she freezes or moves like 20 spaces or gives up and says she doesn't want to play anymore.
The funny part is that the longer she plays, the worse she gets. At the beginning, she was counting and moving just fine. Then, she decided to enter manipulation mode. "M, what number did you roll?" -Blank zombi stare- "7". "No M, you know there's only 6 numbers. You've seen a 6 many times and know what it is. We're going to stop playing and when you can say the right number we can start again." -"Ok, it's a 6."
Ahhhhhhhh! I just don't have the strength for these mental games. Sorry pushovers, there's no way I'm going to let her play wrong when I know she knows how, lie straight to my face, or quit, but I just can't keep up my energy level with this constant barrage of disturbia. I had to win the game, leave the table, and let Foster Mom play the next round.
What simple things set off the disturbia in your foster kids? What kills their confidence and sends their brain into zombie mode?
I bought the game Trouble to play with M, hoping it would be a simple game to learn counting, competition, and focus. Epic FAIL! All that's happen is my hair starting to fall out! It says 5+ on the box. M is only 4. Is there some kind of magical mental block against moving a game piece a number of spaces? Is it lifted when you cross from 4 to 5?!!
She'll be playing fine and moving along, then a brain switch flicks and she won't move the piece without looking at me and waiting for me to say "yes" as if she needs approval for each and every space moved because her confidence is at big fat ZERO!! If I don't look at her and say, stare at the board, she freezes or moves like 20 spaces or gives up and says she doesn't want to play anymore.
The funny part is that the longer she plays, the worse she gets. At the beginning, she was counting and moving just fine. Then, she decided to enter manipulation mode. "M, what number did you roll?" -Blank zombi stare- "7". "No M, you know there's only 6 numbers. You've seen a 6 many times and know what it is. We're going to stop playing and when you can say the right number we can start again." -"Ok, it's a 6."
Ahhhhhhhh! I just don't have the strength for these mental games. Sorry pushovers, there's no way I'm going to let her play wrong when I know she knows how, lie straight to my face, or quit, but I just can't keep up my energy level with this constant barrage of disturbia. I had to win the game, leave the table, and let Foster Mom play the next round.
Shocking Moments at Preschool
Scene
Foster Mom is volunteering at M's preschool. Join in on the awkward/uncomfortable/tell-all conversation she had with one of the Teacher Aids who helps in the class:
TA: So how long have you and your husband been married?
And scene
Yes, this is the same woman who said "We have a few moms like that..." the day I cried at preschool.
Foster Mom is volunteering at M's preschool. Join in on the awkward/uncomfortable/tell-all conversation she had with one of the Teacher Aids who helps in the class:
TA: So how long have you and your husband been married?
Foster Mom: A few years
TA: Wow! Do you have any of your own kids?
Foster Mom: Not yet, we wanted to be foster parents first. There's so many kids that need a good home...
TA: Ohhh, is there good money in it?
Foster Mom: Not really, it hardly covers the basics.
TA: Yeah, my husband and I thought about doing it.
--- insert pointless chatter for a few minutes that somehow transitioned to this ---
TA: Ya know, it's hard not beating your kids. I used to beat my husband and first child. I had to work really hard to get out of it. I'm surprised my husband even stayed around.
Foster Mom: (shocked) Wow. You are so great with the kids, I would have never thought you struggled with that. It's great you turned your life around.
And scene
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
White Milk, Drama and a Broken Heart
-Post by Foster Mom
In the 10 minute car ride home from preschool, M and I have some of our best conversations.
She hops in the car and the first words out of her mouth are always about what she ate that day. Followed by:
I picked white milk today. WHITE MILK! Isn't that SUCH a healthy choice?! Aren't you soooo proud of me? I made such a gooooood choice. Yum!
I tell her I'm soooo proud and (in my mind) praise the school for only offering white milk as a drink option.
After I hear abouther the school's healthy food choices she usually rats people out.
After filling me in on all the school drama, she tells me about all the fun activities she did.
Every time I express my concern for the baby and asked why she was sick? M never gives a response.
After a few weeks of her doll being horribly sick, M finally answered my question.
I try to get more details...Why did her heart break? What happened? But never get a response. I turn on kid songs and she giggles and sings the rest of the way home...as I pray God heals the broken hearted.
In the 10 minute car ride home from preschool, M and I have some of our best conversations.She hops in the car and the first words out of her mouth are always about what she ate that day. Followed by:
I picked white milk today. WHITE MILK! Isn't that SUCH a healthy choice?! Aren't you soooo proud of me? I made such a gooooood choice. Yum!
I tell her I'm soooo proud and (in my mind) praise the school for only offering white milk as a drink option.
After I hear about
Drake had to sit in the blue time out chair today. He threw blocks at someone.
Missy said she has a boyfriend. I want one, but I'm not 15. I'm only 4.
Ms. Tina called Jake a baby because he cried.
After filling me in on all the school drama, she tells me about all the fun activities she did.
I played with sticks. I ate lunch, and had white milk. We sang songs. I played dolls. My baby was soooo sick and had to go to the hospital.
Every time I express my concern for the baby and asked why she was sick? M never gives a response.
After a few weeks of her doll being horribly sick, M finally answered my question.
My baby is sick because she has a broken heart. Nothing can fix it.
Her heart is broken...forever.
I try to get more details...Why did her heart break? What happened? But never get a response. I turn on kid songs and she giggles and sings the rest of the way home...as I pray God heals the broken hearted.
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