How To Have A Great Holiday Season: Get Out Of Your Bubble

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-Post by Foster Mom

This Holiday season I am left feeling very thankful, hopeful and angry.
Before you start painting me green and calling me "the Grinch", let me explain.

I'm thankful for the birth of a Savior.
I'm hopeful in a God who can turn circumstances around,
but I'm sometimes angry when He doesn't.

I'm thankful I have hardworking, moral parents without addictions clouding their judgment.  I'm hopeful that  M's Bio Mom really is changing...
and am angry at all those abusive, addicted, selfish parents that are stealing their children's innocence.

I am thankful I live in a country with resources
Hopeful for opportunities
but sometimes hate that we live in a culture of superfluity, where media is in your face
all
the
time.

It can easily consume our every waking moments and cause us to miss the important things...


The reality I was living in for so long has been torn up these past 6 months.

All because I decided to become a foster parent.

It's opened my eyes and has helped me see outside of my safe, little bubble.

I'm learning to be more "in the moment" and aware.

Aware of the aged-out foster youth who doesn't have a family to spend time with over the holidays. (TRUE STORY)

Or the person living in the United States, who is stuck in a brothel, forced to barter sex for mere pennies and their dignity (TRUE STORY)

I'm aware of the tragedy of children soldiers (TRUE STORY)

and that domestic sex trafficking is real (TRUE STORY)

I'm aware that the majority of our yummy Christmas chocolate comes from a child slave (TRUE STORY)

and I'm aware of a mother who attempted to sell her little baby girl for drugs
a town over
from where I live.
I am thankful she was caught.

All of these horrible tragedies...is a person's reality.

In the midst of a busy Holiday season as we get swept up in the consumerism of things...I challenge myself (and you, if you're interested):

• To be thankful for the blessings in your life
• To slow down and notice the unjust in our world
• Get angry and passionate enough to make a difference
• Be hopeful that you can make an impact

It's time as individuals we start to think globally, rather than being led by consumerism and the "traditional" ways of the holiday.  

Here are examples of ways you can make a difference this Hanukkah/Christmas/New Years Eve/Holiday Season:
Volunteer to help youth who aged-out of the foster care system
Educate ourselves about the Orphan crisis 
Buy slave free chocolate
Help save a child soldier
Pray for those stuck in brothels
Buy a sex slave to give her freedom*
Give back and volunteer in your area

*I'm not really suggesting we all go buy sex slaves. Read the linked article - it's educational and challenging.

How are you giving the gift of a second chance this holiday season?

Readers' Questions: Felecia's Answers (Part 3)

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Meet Felecia and read her story (Part 1)
Our Q&A with Felecia (Part 2)
The goal of our Q&A is to help educate people and bring awareness towards the issue of youth aging-out of the foster care system. A while ago our readers submitted some questions to Felecia, a young woman who aged out of foster care. M, our 4 year old foster daughter also had some questions. I'm honored she took the time to answer all of our questions and yours. So thank you, Felecia!! 

 Q from M: What happened to your mom? 

Q&A with Felecia (Part 2)

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We had an amazing opportunity to pick the brain of someone who aged out of foster care and ended up homeless.  Her responses are honest, raw and will tug at your heart...

Take the time to read the response about her feelings towards her bio family and how her relationship with her dad was repaired. It's a beautiful story of forgiveness and grace.

Meet Felecia and read her story (Part 1)

Check back tomorrow for the conclusion and part 3. She'll answers our reader's questions.

Q:  What's your earliest child hood memory?

Felecia's Story: 19 & Homeless

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(Intro from Foster Mom) We all have a story. Felecia's story is filled with heartache, abandonment and pain.  She's overcome adversity and has yet to give up.  I'm honored to feature such a courageous woman on our blog.  My hope is that her story compels you to take action against whatever obstacles are standing in your way. Or better yet...may her words challenge you to reach out to the homeless youth or foster children in your community.

This is the first time she's shared her story...

A RAD Kid?

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-Post by Foster Mom

I don't mean RAD in a "cowabunga", ninja turtle kinda way.  When M was first placed with us months ago, she got labeled with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  The therapist said she thought M has the disinhibited form of RAD.

Children with disinhibited behavior seek attention from virtually everyone, including strangers. - www.mayoclinic.com

RAD made sense and explained why she told us she "loved us" the first night.  Or why she would hold someones hand and a few minutes later proclaim her love for them..after JUST meeting them.

I know that a lot of RAD kid's display rage, tantrums and aggression.

M does not.

She hardly displayed any emotion at all.

Due to her lack of raging, I've always wondering if M really does have reactive attachment disorder.  I'm not a therapist or a mind reader, this is just based on my observations and googling skills...and I still don't have a firm conclusion.

In a previos post I mentioned I wanted to highlight how she's grown and flourished by living in a healthy and stable environment.  By sharing some of the RAD research I've done, in relation to who M was when she first came to live with us, I hope it will help show how far she truly has come...

Potential Causes for RAD in a Child 

• Neglect
• Abuse
• Separation from the primary caregiver
• Changes in the primary caregiver
• Frequent moves and/or placements
• Traumatic experiences
• Maternal addiction - drugs or alcohol
• Young or inexperienced mother with poor parenting skills

M's "Symptoms" 6 Months Ago
*Please note, I feel weird calling it "symptoms" but am going by what my googling skills suggested

1. Displaying inappropriate signs of affection towards strangers
2. Poor peer relationships
3. Watching others closely but not engaging in social interaction (with peers)
4. Failing to ask for support or assistance
5. Obvious and consistent awkwardness or discomfort
6. Masking feelings of anger or distress
7. Intense control battles, very bossy
8. Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
9. Incessant chatter and/or questions 
10. Low self-esteem
11. Abnormal Eating Habits
12. Difficulty showing genuine care and affection. For example, children with reactive attachment disorder may act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection towards their parents.

*** 

M's Present Day Improvements

1. Displays appropriate signs of affection towards strangers - At the grocery store, M recently busted me for talking to a stranger about avocados...The old guy wasn't amused. 
2. Good peer relationships
3. Engages in social interaction (with peers)
4. Displays feelings of anger or distress - We now celebrate Maniac Mondays- It's M's post cry session and sassy 'tude, the day after she visits with Bio Mom.  I'm thinking about making it a National Holiday around our house.

M has grown from living in 6 months of stability, structure and out of harms way.  I plan on further examining her improvements in extended posts...so stay tuned.

Although M has made HUGE improvements we still have some present day struggles. M has hardships and as her foster parents, we struggle in learning how to fully meet her needs in certain areas.

M's "Symptoms" Present Day

1. Obvious and consistent awkwardness or discomfort 
2. Intense control battles, very bossy
   
3. Manipulative - superficially charming and engaging
4. Incessant chatter and/or questions (Don't all kids ask a million questions?!)
   
5. Low self-esteem
6. Failing to ask for support or assistance - Has improved, but indirectly hints she needs help
7. Abnormal Eating Habits - Major improvement, but still working on it!
8. Difficulty showing genuine care and affection - HUGE improvement!

Every day we are working on minimizing the list. Today we worked on number six (affection). We snuggled and dramatically gazed into each others eyes while attempting to look like alien bugs.

Precious moments.

CLICK HER FOR A Symptom Checklist for Child Attachment Disorder

Help! Have you encountered any of M's present day symptoms with your kids?  Dying for some tips & tricks!

"I just want to live with mommy!"

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-Post By Foster Mom  
Bio Mom recently had her baby and he gets to live with her. She is living in a monitored facility so as long as she's there, the baby stays.

The past few weeks have been heartbreaking as M struggles in understanding why her brother gets to live there and she doesn't. I wish I could take her pain away and have magical words to help her cope...

M (with tears in her eyes): I like you and I like my mom. I just want to live with my mommy. I miss my mommy.

Foster Mom:  I'm sorry sweetie. I wish you could live with your mommy too. I'm sorry you feel so sad. 

M: When can I live with my mom?

Foster Mom: Remember the judge? Well, he'll tell us when it's safe and you can live with her. It could be months or longer. I'm sorry I don't have more info.

M: I miss my mommy and brother.  If I don't live with my mommy or you and "Foster Dad" will I live on the streets? Won't I get crashed?

Foster Mom: Crashed?

M: Crashed by a car. They are pointy and...I can't say it.

Foster Mom: What?

M: If I live on the streets the cars will crash me and I would die.  I don't want to die.

Foster Mom: We'll make sure you don't live on the streets.

We continued this convo for a few more minutes until she fell asleep in my arms...My heart hurts for little M.  She's 4 and worried about living on the streets.  I pray she feels loved and can find joy in her current situation, even through the pain of missing her mom terribly.

6 Tips For The First 24 Hours of Placement

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-Post By Foster Mom 

I've been reflecting lately on the first time we met M.  Her big brown eyes immediately captured my heart and her ability to perform Taylor Swift songs at any given moment can always keep me signing.

She's a remarkable child and I'm honored to know her and be apart of her story.  I wanted to share with you the beginning of our journey, and the mistakes and lessons I learned the first few days of meeting M.

6 (obvious) Tips For The First 24 hours of Placement

8 days after we "officially" got approved to be foster parents, I received a call around 2pm.  Our agency asked if we would want a 4 year old female. I got some more details and called Foster Dad.  After frantically hitting up Target for last minute necessities (kid's toothpaste, barbies, puzzles, gummies, blankets, cute stuffed animals, clocks..oh and a car seat!) Foster Dad and I drove a few counties over to pick up M.  Crazy how fast your life can change within 4 hours.


I. was. terrified.  
I would soon be a parent.
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
To a child who has 4 years of a story I know nothing about.   

We called the Director of our agency and desperately asked last minute questions...
How do we introduce ourselves to her?
Does she understand she's living with us?
What if she beats us up?

Tip 1. It's okay to ask crazy questions
 No question is dumb and will help ease your fears. Plus, I'm sure they've heard it all before.

The director of our agency didn't laugh at our questions but answered every single one and gave me her personal cell number in case I did get beat up...by a 4 year old.  She hung up after she gave me some final words of wisdom, which ended up being...

Tip 2. "4 year old girls talk non stop! Have fun!"
"But I'm an introvert..." I thought as I hung up the phone.  I filled Foster Dad in on the convo and we continued chatting.  He asked if I planned on sitting next to M on the way home.

"She's not a little baby...I'll play it cool in the front see. I don't want to overwhelm her. I bought preschool CD's and barbies, it'll be great."

Foster Dad had the only appropriate response, "You are heartless."

Tip 3. Don't be heartless (whoops)
You don't need to creep the child out with an abundance of hugs and kisses the first time meeting, but sitting next to them and playing on a long car ride home, obviously will help with the bonding process. I was fearful if I went overboard it would be overwhelming for her...but after following her lead and seeing she felt comfortable, we were giggling in no time.

Tip 4. Don't try to change the only thing they've had their whole life...their name (whoops)
Sitting in the back of the car we played barbies, chatted, giggled and I even gave her a nickname during the 2 hour ride...Which immediately got relinquished by Foster Dad pointing out that it's the only name she's ever known, why would I give her a new one now?! Sigh, I'm thankful I married such a smart man.  After 6 months of M living with us, she has a few nicknames...but it took time and happened more organically.

Tip 5. Don't watch creepy Lifetime Movies about foster kids
The first night was terrifying. But I blame my lifetime movie obsession for this one.  

Our agency person told us that M would most likely cry on and off throughout the first few nights, so we should be prepared. Our bedroom doors are adjacent.  We decided it would be best to sleep with both bedroom doors open (not a good idea). Every time she moved, I jumped up. I was waiting for her to cry, fall out of bed, stop breathing or be standing over my bed with a knife (thank you lifetime movies).  Of course that never happened and either did the tears, but the stress kept me up all night.

Tip 6. Don't pretend to be something you're not
Like a morning person.
By the time 5am rolled along, I was not happy to be awakened by M free styling a rap song. I got up and tried to pretend I was a morning person. After grabbing a mocha we went to the park, library, beach and walked the dog all before 8:30 (the normal time I start hitting snooze).

We pulled this schedule for a few days until I was burnt out and wanting to resign my "mother of the week" award.  Our case manager came over for our weekly visit.  She suggested showing M what 8:00 looks like on the clock.  When her clock looks like that, she can come out of her room.
"Are we allowed to do that?" I asked
"Why not?!" Case manager responded.

I was in love...with my case manager and this idea! I'm not sure HOW long M plays in her room every morning, but one thing remains the same...she still wakes me up signing.

***

Obviously, A LOT has changed since we first met her as she carried a small suitcase filled with a few outfits, a pink stuffed dog and a barbie with unintentional dreads. I have more sleep confidence as a parent and in M.  She has been living with us for almost 6 months now and we truly feel she's supposed to be here during this season of her life.  Over the next few posts I'm going to highlight how she's grown and flourished by living in a healthy and stable environment.

But first, what are some tips & tricks you learned during the start of your first placements?

Trouble! Pop-o-matic

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-Post By Foster Dad
I bought the game Trouble to play with M, hoping it would be a simple game to learn counting, competition, and focus.  Epic FAIL! All that's happen is my hair starting to fall out!  It says 5+ on the box. M is only 4.  Is there some kind of magical mental block against moving a game piece a number of spaces? Is it lifted when you cross from 4 to 5?!!

I took out every rule except one: pop the bubble and move your piece the number on the dice.  She can pop the bubble. She can read the number on the dice.  She can count to that number.  She can move the piece one space at a time and count as she goes, but she can't start with 1 at the next space.  She sits there counting 1 without moving the piece!  It's driving me crazy.  I told her to start with 0, then start moving and that actually helped, but now there's a new problem.

She'll be playing fine and moving along, then a brain switch flicks and she won't move the piece without looking at me and waiting for me to say "yes" as if she needs approval for each and every space moved because her confidence is at big fat ZERO!!  If I don't look at her and say, stare at the board, she freezes or moves like 20 spaces or gives up and says she doesn't want to play anymore.

The funny part is that the longer she plays, the worse she gets.  At the beginning, she was counting and moving just fine.  Then, she decided to enter manipulation mode.  "M, what number did you roll?" -Blank zombi stare- "7". "No M, you know there's only 6 numbers.  You've seen a 6 many times and know what it is.  We're going to stop playing and when you can say the right number we can start again." -"Ok, it's a 6."

Ahhhhhhhh!  I just don't have the strength for these mental games.  Sorry pushovers, there's no way I'm going to let her play wrong when I know she knows how, lie straight to my face, or quit, but I just can't keep up my energy level with this constant barrage of disturbia.  I had to win the game, leave the table, and let Foster Mom play the next round.

What simple things set off the disturbia in your foster kids?  What kills their confidence and sends their brain into zombie mode?

Shocking Moments at Preschool

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Scene
Foster Mom is volunteering at M's preschool.  Join in on the awkward/uncomfortable/tell-all conversation she had with one of the Teacher Aids who helps in the class:

TA: So how long have you and your husband been married?

Foster Mom: A few years

TA: Wow! Do you have any of your own kids?

Foster Mom:  Not yet, we wanted to be foster parents first.  There's so many kids that need a good home...

TA: Ohhh, is there good money in it?

Foster Mom:  Not really, it hardly covers the basics.

TA:  Yeah, my husband and I thought about doing it.

--- insert pointless chatter for a few minutes that somehow transitioned to this ---

TA:  Ya know, it's hard not beating your kids. I used to beat my husband and first child. I had to work really hard to get out of it.  I'm surprised my husband even stayed around.

Foster Mom: (shocked) Wow. You are so great with the kids, I would have never thought you struggled with that. It's great you turned your life around.

And scene

Yes, this is the same woman who said "We have a few moms like that..." the day I cried at preschool.

Do We Care At the Level God Cares?

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