I Do So Much For You and This Is How You Act?!

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-Post by Foster Mom

In second grade my mom bought me a huge box of new crayons.

All I remember next is that I was sitting against my bedroom door crying, breaking all 96 of my crayons, yelling about how mean my mom was.

My mom gently knocked on the door to see if I was okay.

"What happened to your crayons?"  She asked

"They came that way." 

She didn't call me a liar, or say how ungrateful I was. She just gave me a hug and helped me put my broken crayons back in the box.

***

Last night I told M I was going to tuck her in.
She grunted "Aughhhhhhhhhh, I don't want YOU to tuck me in!" Remember, she likes Foster Dad better? 

***

Last week at dinner, M refused to eat.  We asked her to try what was on her plate so she wouldn't starve.  She didn't want to eat anything so went through six different coping tactics which included an hour of tears and "I want to call my mom.  I don't want to be here..."

 ***

Moral of the story: kid's can be cruel, rude, annoying and mean...
Don't get my wrong, M is a GREAT kid most of the time...but we all have our bad days. Foster Dad and I didn't sign up to be foster parents so we'd get a pat on the back, but after some of M's rowdy days I could sure use one!

Kids won't thank you for all you've given them or sacrificed.  They'll complain, break their crayons (sorry mom!) and never fully understand how much you do for them....until THEY become parents.



So mom and dad, thank you for all you've done for me. Dealing with the bazillion gross diaper changes, tantrums and never ending talking.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you've made so we would feel loved and special. Thanks for always coming to all my sports games and being my number one fan. Thanks for not giving up on me when you mistakenly thought I was in a gang called black cats, when I got a D and locked myself in the bathroom and when I convinced my sister jelly gets gum out of hair.  I am honored to have you as parents, think you are super heroes,  and appreciate all you did and continue to do for me. Love you guys!

Question for parents: At what moment did you want to yell at your kid "I do SOOO MUCH FOR YOU and you are acting like THIS?!" This is your time to vent...

Silent Conversations

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-Post by Foster Mom

I checked the phone.
Yup, it still works.

Called my phone with the other phone to confirm the ringer's on.
Yup, loud and clear.

Looked at my calendar for what seemed like the millionth time.
It's Tuesday.

I feel like a high school girl waiting to get a call from my super, secret crush. The phone is a hand reach away and I gaze at the clock every two minutes in anticipation of the ringer.  Time is passing without a sound.

My super secret crush isn't exactly a crush, but M's bio mom. She calls twice a week.


Let me rephrase that, she's supposed to call twice a week. It's the same time and days every week. Lately she's been missing a call a week or doesn't call at the right times. One time she apologized and said she slept all day so couldn't call. All the other missed calls have gone unmentioned.

So today, another conversation is silent. The time goes by without mother and daughter feeling loved through giggles, phone kisses and sharing special memories of the past and hope of a future.

Bio mom and I have a pretty great relationship, but with every phone call missed I feel frustrated/bitter/angry and wonder what's more important than her daughter?

My heart hurts for the little girl on the receiving end of the phone call. If only her mom understood what she's missing.

Who's The Favorite In Your House?

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-Post by Foster Mom

 

M likes Foster Dad better than me. 

At first I felt a little hurt.  After all I'm the one taking her to and from preschool, appointments, visits and filling her life with magical adventures.

We are together the majority of the day.

Foster Dad comes home after a long day at work, tells a few jokes and wins her heart...Then again, that's how he won mine...

I grew up dancing on my dad's feet and thought of him as an everyday superhero. We played sports, he took me on adventures, and to this day...both of my parents have always supported and believed in me. Growing up in a safe and loving home has given me strength to dream bigger and laugh louder.

Every little girl should feel protected in their father's arms. M battles emotional scars daily because she didn't feel safe from the dads of her past, and is desperately seeking approval and love.

So after my twinge of 3 second jealosy for not being M's favorite, I reminded myself that Foster Dad is making a HUGE impact on her life!  He's a positive male role model and I pray that she will always remember the safety she's felt in his arms and learn to dream bigger and laugh louder.

I'm okay with the fact that I'm not M's favorite person at our house.  But I would like everyone to know, that our dog likes me the best.

10 Ways To Break Out of Routine

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-Post by Foster Mom

Between Preschool, appointments, meetings, visitations and calls with the bio family our schedule is pretty routine.  M loves the structure and assurance of knowing what the next activity will be, but it does get pretty boring sometimes.  We still stick to our everyday routine and appointments, but also schedule in some spontaneous fun time...Yes, I did just say schedule and spontaneous in the same sentence...just go with it.

 Here's the list M & I are tackling to get out of our boring rut  *already completed

1. Take a walk...on the wild side *
Pretend you are on an adventure, give yourselves spy/explorer/frontier names, talk with accents and take time to explore. Walk your kid's pace and smell the flowers. Watch out for bees. 

2. Dance party *
Whoever can dance the longest wins. I count this as my gym workout.

3. Cloud Gazing *
Go to the beach/park, lay on a blanket and describe the shapes the clouds make.

4. Host a Show *
Videotape a baking show and make a pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.

5. Indoor S'mores
Turn all the lights off and use flashlights for indoor camping. Make s'mores in the microwave. See who can make the biggest marshmallow. This also works with peeps if you are looking for a new Easter tradition.

6. Indoor Camping
Sleep in an indoor tent at night. Have your husband dress in a bear costume and wake you up by shaking the tent and growling.  Make sure your kid doesn't have to go potty or the scare may result in an unnecessary accident.

7. Puddle Jumping *
Make some puddles and jump in them. Make sure you're outside or have waterproof furniture

8. Rappers Delight *
Pick a topic and freestyle a song.  We love playing this game in the car. The topic M ALWAYS picks are trees. I've been expanding my tree knowledge through google, hoping my next song will go platinum. Disclaimer: Parents really need to be in the mood because freestylin' gets old fast!

9. Have a staring contest *
Bonus points because it helps build attachment and you will probably win...unless you are indoor camping and your kid shines their flashlight in your eye, that could end in tragedy.

10. Do Something Special *
Make dinner together for a sick friend, random neighbor, or new mommy. Write a card and drop it off together. Pray it's edible!

Bonus: Are you REALLY bored?
Check out this HILARIOUS website http://www.randomthingstodo.com/

What are fun ways you break out of your routines, with or without a kid? Try something on your list, steal some ideas from our list or the comments below!

4 Christmases

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-By Foster Dad

Christmas with Biomom, Christmas at the Church giving tree event, Christmas at the Foster Care agency, ... and Christmas on the east coast.

We're trying to decide whether or not to bring M to our family Christmas vacation on the other side of the country.  If we bring her there are airline tickets to buy, court approvals to be signed, and a 4 year old to take on a 5 hour flight with layovers.  Is it worth the effort?  Would it be a nice break for Foster Mom and I to get rejuvenated and lift our energy levels?

I can just imagine the comments we'd receive if we decide not to bring her along... "You're going to leave a kid all alone with strangers on Christmas?"  "Isn't this why you chose to be foster parents in the first place?"  ...etc.  If we were hoping to adopt M someday, I wouldn't hesitate to bring her.

The reality is that she'll have 3 Christmases before December 25th arrives.  The strange part would be her watching another unknown family open their Christmas presents that morning.  Of course we'll give the respite parents some gifts to give to M.

Foster parents, what are your thoughts?

How Do You Overcome Insecurities?

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-Post by Foster Mom

School picture day is way more nerve-racking as an adult.  I was beyond stressed figuring out what M should wear and how to keep her beautiful curls untangled.  After all we would keep these photos for a lifetime.
As in, FOREVER.

This would be a picture of the beautiful child who was first placed in our home through the foster care system, captured in a single moment of time.

Of course we also planned on giving M's family copies. But what if they judged her outfit and hairdo? Or even worse, what if she doesn't smile and they think we are horrible parents and she isn't happy living with us. What if....my mind raced.

M got dressed and I took extra time to tame her curls, all while ahhhhing over her beauty. After, M showed off her dazzling smile for our at home practice session. Yes, I did just say practice session. What have I become?!

I told her she was a beautiful princess and we headed off to preschool. On the drive over I laughed at myself for turning into the Picture Perfect Drill Sargent and realized I was putting way to much pressure on picture day.

My insecurities of how others may react to a photo I really have no control over was turning me into an over-meticulous, mind stressing person. So I let it go.... and didn't even slick down M's flyaways as I hugged her goodbye.

***

I picked M up from preschool and saw all the girls in their best dresses and boys with gel in their hair.  I stayed and caught up with her teachers who told me M was sad today. The teacher asked her what was bothering her and M said

"Nobody told me I was beautiful with my pretty dress on. People told all the other girls they were beautiful but not me..."

We've all struggled with confidence and insecurities. How do you overcome it? How do you explain to a child that their value comes from God and themselves?

Discover Your Child Through A Lens

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-Post by Foster Mom

I was having lunch with a friend the other day and she asked me a great question.

"Have you ever tried thinking about life through M's eyes?"

I think about it all the time. I imagine how it feels to be dropped off at a strangers doorstep. Or if her tears over eating pea soup are really tears for her biological family.  I try to see things through her eyes so I can learn how to love her better and can be the mom she deserves. 

***

We gave M our old digital camera.  She's taken lots of pictures of us, places we've been and her favorite things.  Here are some photos, through M's eyes.

 

  

Through her camera lens I see a child who values her room, because she's always shared one with her parents.  She takes pride in her stuffed animals by organizing them and keeps her room clean, without being asked.  Maybe it's because she moved around so much and never had a place to call home or a space of her own.

She uses her imagination to create castles and forts to shield her from the things that haunted her in the past. I see a little girl that dreams of being a princess, loves the color pink, anything sparkly and cherishes the fantasy of Tinkerbell.

***   

Have you looked through your kid's lens?

Why My Life Got Turned Upside Down

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-Post by Foster Mom

I became a foster parent and I'm wrecked at the core. It's challenging reshaping my worldview.

I can't stop thinking about all the teenagers that will age out of the foster care system wishing they had a family to celebrate holidays with and a mother to call on their birthdays. I wonder if they feel worthless, unlovable and unworthy of a family. Would you?

I can't stop thinking about the small child who think they deserve to be hit or blame their parents abandonment on themselves. Or M, who is adultified and oversexualized before she reaches kindergarten.

If we live in a nation with an abundance of resources why do some people have so little? Of those that have so little, why do some take advantage of what they are given? Even though  I'm kept up some nights thinking about all the unjust in the world, I know I can't change the foster care, welfare or court systems.

Every child deserves to be loved. The God I know gives second chances, He loves unconditionally and loves the unlovable.

My eyes have been opened to poverty, pain, cultural differences and new traditions.  This process is teaching me patience, sacrificial love and how to advocate on behalf of a hurt child. All I can try to do is love a child during their darkest moments and hope that their biological family can change for the better.

Foster parent or not, what are YOU learning during this season of your life?