It ain't easy being cheesey

Tweet

Post by Foster Dad

DISCLAIMER: Sappy people who cry at the slightest gust of wind, judge easily, and ignore feelings if they are less than pleasant should skip reading this blog post.  Thoughts and feelings are described here that may disturb you.

On the first day it was easy to be a saint.  Foster Mom and I had been preparing for 8 months to receive a kid into our home.  We were spilling over with love, empathy, and hope for our new mystery foster kid.  Our friends were encouraging us and saying how giving we were to take this step of faith, to be servants, to be awesome mini-mother-teresa-but-trendy-cool-I'm-just-a-temp parents.

M came to live with us and it wasn't long until my happyhappyjoyjoy face paint started chipping away.  Who am I kidding... the first night I flopped into bed thinking, "What have we done?"  Lately, I find myself reapplying the paint more and more often.  Her 4-year old-isms can really drain me.  Her questions of "Why" that follow every answer to every previous question are like needles in my eyes.  Her fear of foods she hasn't tried is like fire under my skin.  Her frozen coma stare that starts as soon as we try to discipline her makes me want to join a Screamo band.

My batteries simply don't recharge themselves every night like I thought they would when I dreamed of helping dozens of kids over decades of life.  Am I the only foster parent (or bio parent) who feels this way?  I don't like being like this.  It makes me less patient, sarcastic, and harbor resentment towards a little person who doesn't even know what she's saying half the time....

...A little person who just wants to be close to me.  A little person that says, "Ohhh, man. Please don't go" when I leave for work every morning.  A little person who just wants a daddy to watch her sing her favorite R-rated hip hop song that her mom let her listen to 10 times a day for the first 4 years of life.  A Hurt Child, a helpless child, someone tossed around by the system, a person capable of manipulating adults at the ripe age of 4 years old.

If I'm feeling this way in the 3rd month of our first placement, how will I feel a year into it?  Does it pass?  Do I get a freebie spotlight-in-the-darkness-shining-moment of clarity and peace soon?  Have I not prayed and read my Bible enough?  When I've totally given up hope of being the awesome angel that people keep saying I am in the comments section of this blog... does God sweep in then to help?  I hope so.

Don't worry out there.  Angry writing is like therapy for me.  My bite is much less than my bark.  I'm doing my best every day to show love to M and be the best chill foster dad in my town ;)

Share-apy Time

Tweet

Dear whoever is reading this post,

What does this photo mean to you or make you think about?

 Feel free to comment below...

Now Laugh!

Tweet

-Post by Foster Mom
Even though it can be stressful, my mom reminded me to laugh during this foster parenting process. So I thought I'd share some recent moments I laughed out loud at.


Hug It Out
Last week, M was having a rough day. I dropped her off at preschool and asked if she wanted a hug. As we were hugging it out in the corner of the classroom, some random lurker kid, Rocco, came over and started hugging us too. So much for our intimate moment.


A week later, Rocco wasn't hugging it out anymore.

He threatened to beat me up.  M and I were doing our child-parent time at preschool and reading a book together. Rocco came over and started touching my cell phone. He asked if it had games on it.
M "Yeah, but only I can play the games."
Rocco "You're mean!!" He yelled pointed at me, even though I had yet to respond.
Me "Sorry, it's reading time. Do you want to read with us?"
He then started pounding his fists together and making some weird, I'm a boy full of rage noise.
Rocco "My fists want to do this to you," as he continued hitting his fist into his hand.
I thought about telling on him, then I realized I wasn't 4 and reverted to calling him the class bully instead.


M sings. Not always the right lyrics. 
Actual lyrics: Oh, be careful little eyes what you see.
Her version:  Oh be careful and wipe the toilet seat.
She has a thing for cleanliness.

Exhibit A

Drawing Encouragement
The other day M and I colored together for a few hours. I got really into it (see exhibit A). Pretty great skills, huh? When I showed M my beautiful creation she made a face that looked like I was trying to feed her gross, disgusting carrots and yelled,  
"That is NOT fabulous!"
Lesson learned: It's not cool to give your my little pony blue highlights.

Public Humiliation
Foster Dad, M and I went shopping over the weekend. All of a sudden we heard a really loud, squeaky noise coming from the toy section.
M, our 4 year old yelled, "What the HELL!?"
Foster Dad and I replied "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
and a guy walking by laughed. Really hard.
We asked M how she learned that word and told her it was a bad word and she shouldn't say it again.

Foster Dad was impressed she knew how to use that phrase in context.

Parents: Any funny or embarrassing moments recently?

What Will They Call Us?

Tweet

-Post by Foster Mom
As Foster Dad and I went through training one of our concerns was figuring out what the child placed with us would call us.  We were told that kids who were placed in homes with other kids would naturally end up calling their foster parents "mom" and "dad". To them, that's the parents' name. We don't have any kids (unfortunately our dog doesn't count). So in training they said that if the kid just points at you or never calls you anything and seem confused, you can tell them to call you by your first name.

When we first met M we explained to her that we are the mom and dad of our house. She can choose to call us "mom" and "dad" or by our first names...whatever she feels most comfortable doing.  She decided to call us by our first names, which also made us feel more comfortable out of respect for her parents.  We don't feel like we earned those titles. M has a mom. I don't want M ever thinking I'm trying to replace her mom. For us, having her call us by our first names work.

Remember in Elementary school when you would accidently slip up and call your teacher "mom"? Well, that's happened a few times with us.  Today M called me "mom".   Then she asked if she could call me mom instead of my first name. I told her it was her choice and reminded her we are the mom and dad of the house.  I asked her how she thought her mom would feel? Her response, "Happy that I have two moms! I'll call you mom."

I wasn't sure how to respond.
Five minutes later she said "Mom, can you help me with this?"
My heart hurt for bio mom as I wondered how she would feel if she heard.  It hurt for M, who must be sooo confused. But with my new title I instantly felt older, more responsible, pressured to bake cookies and draw hearts in peanut butter sandwiches.  Apart of me secretly liked that she called me mom, it meant I was doing a good job nurturing her and showing her love. In her eyes I'm not just a glorified babysitter.  My new motherly thoughts, mixed with anxiousness quickly dissolved as M got my attention by yelling my first name. So much for calling me mom...

At least I no longer feel the pressure to get a mini van.

Foster Parents: We'd love to hear any stories about your titles.

I love

Tweet

-Post by Foster Mom
...this song.
            I love that shirt.
                   I love ice cream.
                           I love your new hairstyle.
                                  I love __insert something trivial and pointless here___

Perhaps you've let "I love you" slip after a few dates.
Or you've proclaimed your love for french fries in one sentence and the love for your spouse in another (whooops).

How often do we misuse the phrase "I love..."?

The first night M was with us she said "I love you."  We didn't want her to feel rejected and our first time foster parent response was "I love you, too!"  It didn't feel natural. Why was proclaiming my love for Gilmore Girls way easier than saying it to a 4 year old stranger who moved into my house?

Since getting insight from our case manager our response has changed to "I care about you too!" At the time, I agreed with their response. We don't want to give M false hope by responding or saying "I love you" back, especially if we are another adult abandoning her don't think we are supposed to adopt her, if the reunification process doesn't work out. We are happy for M because right now reunification looks favorable and we don't have to figure out any next steps yet.

M would tell our friends and family members after a minute of knowing them "ahhh...I love you!" We would leave our babysitters with a page of emergency numbers and proper responses in case she professed her love to them.

We talked to M about who you love and the differences between love and like. Overtime her "I love you" turned into "I like you".
Which eventually turned into "I like you, means I love you!"

But lately I noticed she doesn't say anything and hasn't for awhile.
M's I love yous are reserved for her mom only.  For us, it's a hug or a snuggle. Maybe the "I like you" was too confusing.

If we as adults misuse the phrase "I love you"... why shouldn't we allow kid's with attachment issues?

It's hard to imagine M as a stranger...I've learned so much about her these past few months and she's won me over with her singing and passion for all things pink. I've censored myself with M a few times when I naturally had the urge to say those 3 words every child wants to hear.
I love you.
Our words are powerful...and so are our lack of words.

Are we stifling her heart or guarding it, by not saying "I love you"?

Guest Post: Through the eyes of family

Tweet

Guest Post by Foster Mom's Mom

I recently visited foster mom and dad, and of course got to meet M.

Now, mind you, I am not a Grandmother yet, so I have never experienced the joy of spoiling your children's children....while laughing at the trials and tribulations of your child as they are raising their own child.   Now that our children are grown, we can delight in watching them blunder through parenthood.  I think.....but this foster business.  That's a whole different ball game.

I arrived at foster mom and dad's home and was greeted by a lively, engaging four year old.  I quickly understood some of the things foster mom has been telling me about M.  She LOVES to talk, sing, and needs a lot of attention.  She has developed some wonderful strategies to soothe herself, and singing is one of them.  She is very responsible, neat, well organized and smart.  Many traits I wish I had (the well organized and neat part), and she could teach foster mom a little bit in this area as well.  Sorry foster mom....I'm ratting you out.

She knows many letters, can write part of her name on her own, can engage herself in many different activities and is so ripe for learning.  She is quick to laugh at herself and others, and loves to dance and put on "fancy" outfits.  She loves animals and has great empathy for all living things.  She could be anything she wants to be in life.....but then there is another part of her life that I will never see.

The part that causes her to reassure her mom on their phone call that everything is OK and tells mom not to worry about her.  "Don't worry Mom.  It's OK.  Don't be sad."  M has a mommy hat - something is very backwards here.  The part where she is visibly shaken when asked if she'd like to speak with a strong male influence in her life. Something about this person is very disturbing to her and she refuses to speak to him.  She is learning empowerment.

When will she get tired of being the adult to the important adults in her life? 

When will she be able to just be a kid? 

Foster mom and dad are working hard on that part.  In some ways, she carries the weight of the world on her little four year old shoulders.  When foster mom tells me she had a break down and sobbed on the way to preschool, I see that as a good thing.  She is learning that she can let go of some of the sadness and pain that she can't put into words.  It is my hope that little by little  M will learn to be a kid, and put down some of the burdens she carries. And no matter what she may face, I hope that she has the confidence to go after all that she wants in life and that her dreams of being a doctor or a vet, or whatever else she may want, are not dashed.  I hope she always has someone in her life that will empower her and give her hope,  as foster mom and dad are doing.

Now, as far as laughing at my child as she is parenting, I didn't laugh at foster mom and dad, but I did laugh with them and reminded them that as serious as what they are doing is, they need to have fun and laugh laugh laugh.  And I laughed as I headed out to the door to catch my plane back home as M was singing and spinning.  I have the easy part.  Foster mom and dad....thanks for doing the hard part. Now laugh!

Foster Parent Must Haves: Kimochis Doll + GIVEAWAY!!

Tweet

Being foster parents, we thought the children living with us would be going through alot of emotions and have a hard time expressing themselves, or not express themselves at all...and we all know it's not good to bottle up emotions.

Crimes Against Kids #4: Enrolling a Child in the Fat Track

Tweet

Post by Foster Dad

You wake up one morning, roll over and stretch as a sliver of pain shoots up your back.  You reach for your insulin tester to prick your finger when you notice the Low Cholesterol guide sitting on your bedside table.  "How did I get here?" you wonder. "I'm 18, on my own and finally ready to start life, but my body is on the fast track to death."

I've been thinking lately about crimes against kids, and enrolling your child in the Fat Track is up on the list of things that make me mad.  Parents have the power to give their kids a head start to being healthy and making good choices about food that will carry through into adulthood.  Unfortunately, it's just as easy for them to fill an innocent kid's stomach with poison, i.e. tons of sugar, cholesterol, and fat.

M is tall for her age.  She's only 4 but towers at the height of an average 6 year old.  Awesome! Hopefully she'll continue to grow and someday get a scholarship to play sports for a great university ;)  Unfortunately, she's also heavy.  When she came to live with us, she was almost twice the weight she should be.  The doctor told us she would like to see M lose over 30 pounds!  Yes, 30 pounds... and remember, she's only 4 years old.  I don't even know any adults who could muster the discipline to lose that much.


The cause was easy to find.  The simple answer by her mom was that she liked to give her whole milk, hot dogs, and french fries despite the doctor's continual warnings.  The effects are just sad.  We're taking her to the doctor to get tested for diabetes after spotting some physical signs.  She's too heavy to lift into our arms, a grocery cart, or swing by her arms on the count of 3 between two adults.  The department stores don't make pants that fit, so we have to buy skirts for her.  How could this not be considered abuse? ...physical, psychological, social.

The good news is that things are improving rapidly for M.  She's lost 8 pounds in less than two months just by eating healthy and playing outside just like any normal kid.  She makes good choices when considering foods, thanks to a little help from Foster Mom.  She eats until she is full at every meal, and even eats a bit more if there's broccoli on her plate :)  As the months continue, hopefully her health will steadily increase and she'll be back on the fast track to a long, healthy life.

It hasn't been hard at all for Foster Mom and I to encourage a healthy diet.  We get free healthy food from the state, which her mom received as well, but obviously didn't stick to.  So what's the reason for her early childhood demise?  Is it cultural?  Is it a cost issue?  Is it lack of nutritional education?  What do you think?

Awkward Moments

Tweet

-Post by Foster Mom
M gravitates towards adults.  Yesterday I found out she spent her recess gabbing with the Director of our preschool instead of playing tag with the other kids.  It's her comfort zone, and in knowing her past situations it makes sense. She was always surrounded by adults, had a lot of "care givers" and hardly any playmates.  M acts old for her age, very responsible and feels like she needs to take care of her mom.  One of our goals as her foster family is to give her a childhood, let her learn how to be a kid, and just have fun!

So to do that, with the added bonus of battling her social awkwardness, I decided to find a play group via the internet... Perfect for M and I, a kid who prefers adults and a mom who is an introvert and shy-guy to new people (cue sarcasm).

Today was a big day for both of us as we headed to our first meet up at the playground.  5 moms and 8 kids were there by the time we arrived. The parents already knew one another, having a history of play dates and magical moments. M starting talking to the different moms one by one. She would tell them about her toys, preschool, Tinkerbell...all while ignoring the kids playing around her. I finally coerced her onto the one empty swing in a row of 5.  It was going great.  I was casually talking with the other moms as they pushed their kids, as M yelled out

My dad sleeps in my bed with me!!!

OH MY GOSH!! Our first magical moment. My brain was running wild...
The mom's were startled and looked shocked. I think they were figuring out how the heck to get out of there, secretly taking a group vote with their eyes as to who would kick us out, or wondering who this mom and daughter duo are?!

How would you respond? I LOVE all the responses below. Thanks for sharing...it reminded me about the seriousness of what she yelled, to talk with M about why she shouted it and proper etiquette at future play dates.

I know I responded horribly, because I too was shocked.

After M yelled "My dad sleeps in my bed with me!!!!!" to the whole playground...
I responded... "Ohhh her dad...ummm...she's a foster kid, so sometimes she'll say weird things."

Which is the truth, but I didn't even talk to M about why she had the urge to share her private issues with the playgroup.
I basically threw M under the bus...

I didn't know what prompted her to yell it, she told me later it was because she wanted to be their friends.  Ohhh the mind of a 4 year old. I do know that M has shared a bed with her whole family because they only had a small place to live. I know she would snuggle close to her fam. at night if she was scared and felt protected. For her that was normal...and I know she misses it. She always asks us to have sleepovers, which of course we don't or can't do.

If there is a next time of random, inappropriate yelling, I'll think back to your comments and (hopefully) respond better!! Thanks for your thoughts :)

Parenting Across Cultures

Tweet

-Post by Foster Mom

M is considered a family of one (herself), so qualifies as a low income family and gets to attend preschool for free.  A few weeks ago I received M's preschool packet...written entirely in Spanish. I wish I didn't assume the Spanish packet was an oversight, because I would have been better prepared for what was to come.

Last Friday we headed to Preschool orientation, where the most chaotic moments of my life took place.  There were around 100 parents trying to listen to the teachers and administration talk without a megaphone or mic while 100 kids ran around exploring their new environment.

The confusion for me, didn't come from all the loud kids, but the language barrier.  The majority of the families attending her school are Hispanic,  and the language spoken is Spanish. I immediately regretted my choice of studying 6 years of the language of love instead of Español in high school.

I started panicking....and holding on to any word I could sort of understand. I heard the word "sandals" but couldn't figure out if the kids could or could not wear them.  M told me she understood every word, but whispers way too loud to translate for me.

About thirty minutes of having no idea what was going, with a massive headache and feeling like a giant outcast,  our teacher started talking and asked "Is there anyone who speaks Enligh only?"

I looked around as I sheepishly raised my hand, and realized I was the only person in the whole place who spoke English only.  I have never felt so out of my comfort zone.  The teacher started translating about half of her information for me. She also informed the parents that only English would be spoken to the students. No Spanish.

When she was done, she looked right at me and said "Do you have any questions?"  I looked at her dumbfounded, said "I have no idea what's happening..." and shook my head no. After the speaking was over, I watched as M played on the playground.  I could hear moms laughing and talking...in Spanish. Augh, my middle school insecurities surfaced as I imagined them laughing at me and saying how lame I am cause I'm not bilingual.

We returned to my insecurities today. The first day of preschool.  It was harder for me, than M. Parents stay for the first 15 minutes to have special time with our kids.  The teacher gave all her instruction in Spanish...  I raised my hand, asked for some translation as I wondered what happened to the no speaking Spanish in the classroom rule. This is the new start of a school year....and for me.

I've been looking through some of the class material we have from our foster parent training on "Parenting Across Cultures."  This quote caught my eye

Your child is having a different experience in the world than you are.

M knows more Spanish than Foster Dad and I.  We are happy she's in a preschool where she feels like she fits right in.  To be a better parent, and so M feels like she fits in at home, I'm making it a goal to learn Spanish. If I don't...it's going to be a long year.

Foster or adoptive parents: Any stories about parenting across cultures?