At the playground a 5 year old girl was petting our puppy, who was pulling at his leash to lick her face. M came over from the swings and started telling her about how he jumps up a lot. The girl exclaimed, "How do you know?! You're not his daughter!" I quickly defended M, "Yes she is. She lives with us. This is her dog."
This was M's first time being called out as not belonging, but it won't be the last. We've all but avoided awkward comments and head shifting stares as we've paraded M around our local parks, shopping centers, and theme parks, but how many thoughts or whispers have floated our way without us knowing? Have the people of America matured to the point where adoption, foster care, and mixed marriages fall within their world view and don't set off little auto-alarms in their heads?
The other day Foster Mom and I saw a white couple with an african-american girl on the shuttle from the parking lot to the theme park. The couple's shirts and the girl's dress were all made of the same fabric (style vomfest 2010). I couldn't help but want to know their story. Were they foster parents? Did they adopt? Was it their granddaughter? Did they see us with M? Are they asking the same questions? It really made me want to know other foster parents and share in the experience with them. Of course we have the support of our family and friends, but it would be nice to have some group therapy (laughter, stories, tears, answer-the-"why are we doing this?"-question game) once in a while, you know?
Are there any foster parents out there?
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5 comments:
Fostering right now, but also adopted through foster care on Thursday!! She's a different ethnicity, and people do remark on it. The interesting thing, I've found, is that when she was fostered, people assumed she was American. Now that she says she's adopted, they ask where she is from ...
We are out here...and I have thought the same things you mentioned. When I see families that don't look biological I wonder how they got together. M sounds darling!!! Do you know how long she will be with you?
Best Wishes on your new journey!
Great blog. We've been fostering for the past 6 years and have had 18 kids in our home (we do a lot of respite). We adopted our middle child, a son, who we fostered for a year and a half prior. We have two DNA kids, our oldest is a daughter, our youngest is a boy. We currently have an 8 month old girl with us, just a delight! Just today a friend at church commented that she looks so much like me that it's hard to remember she's not mine (I'm Italian/Irish/Norwegian). I replied that we look remarkably alike except for the fact that she's black. Our youngest is a tow head and is often mistaken by friend as the adopted one. I have three sisters, all adopted. The oldest is 8 months younger than me. She's from Korea (Amer-Asian). We were in the same grade and consistently mistaken as my twin. My other sisters are birth sisters from Honduras. People never understood how they were from a different country. The typical response came from my boss (where my youngest sister also worked) who wondered if my dad loved in Honduras at some point??? I don't even probe to find out what people are thinking.
But this is what I really want to explain; people first assume that you are all sharing the same DNA. They will assume you are the parents and any child in your home is your child. However, this only happens when you act like their parent and they act like your child. All 18 kids of every shade is our son or daughter until CPS tells us we are no longer needed in that role. We immediately let go, we aren't "watching" them, we become what these kids most need, a mom and dad. I hopper this helps. You are not crazy. Although, at some point you will fail to explain why you do what you do to the umpteenth person who only asked because they didn't know what else to say - even then, you are very sane.
Just started following your blog after you started following me on twitter. We have four kids, including two adopted (Ethiopia) and two bio. We should be officially licensed foster parents over the next 2-3 weeks. Thanks for sharing.
I'm liking this blog! I work w/ a non profit that recruits, trains & supports foster and/or adoptive parents.... and my husband & I are in the process of having our home opened to foster!
I am always curious... and delighted to see mixed families, and eagerly await when ours is too. :)
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