We've been official foster parents for almost two months now. So with our vast knowledge of expertise (cue sarcasm) and mistakes, we compiled a list of things that we learned and are trying to implement.
1. Don't tell your foster kid when their bio fam will be calling.
Trust me, I relearned that lesson tonight. We normally don't tell M the exact day her mom will call, but since I talked to bio mom yesterday and she told me she would call tonight, I thought that meant she'd call tonight. Thank God M was fast asleep and didn't realize what happened. I would hate to have a crying kid wondering what her bio mom thinks is more important than her.
If M asks, we say "We hope your mom will call sometime this week." It's generic enough, still telling the truth, and since M doesn't understand the concept of a week...it's a win-win.
2. A foster child has different skills and abilities than a kid that's raised in a more stable environment.
They are missing key developmental milestones from living in an inconsistent environment, or can also act older because they've been forced to take care of themselves. Understand the developmental milestones for the age of your foster child. If they seem delayed developmentally and your concerned, bring it up to your social worker so you can get the child the assistance they need.
3. Join a support group with other foster parents (working on it, check out our Share-apy Sessions to join our group!)
Foster Dad and I always imagined when we became foster parents we'd join this secret underground club of foster parents.
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| Random cute kid and dog |
Okay, so clearly our conversations in our secret club aren't real, and either is the club. We are having a hard time finding a way to connect with foster parents in our community. So what better way than the internet. If you are a foster parent and looking for some support...join our Share-apy Sessions! It'll be special to be able to share in the journey with other foster parents.
4. Have constant behind the scenes communication with your spouse.
This will help you figure out if there's any interesting behaviors going on with the child, and it's nice to have a partner in crime to talk about life with. What husband doesn't love talking alot?!
5. If your foster kid says something weird, it's worth reporting to your case manager/social worker.
Kid's say the darndest things...that may reveal a lot about their past situations, thoughts or feelings.
6. Keep a calendar with EVERY visit between bio fam and foster kid, social worker, therapists, doctors, etc...and keep track of every noteworthy event.
This will come in handy during meetings or when you discuss the case with the professionals.
7. Learn where your foster kid came from.
M talks a lot about people and places we don't know. If the conversation is casual I'll ask easy follow up questions. My goal isn't to attempt to figure out if her past was sketchy (that's not my job)...but my goal is to know more about her.
8. Be honest with your foster kid.
We missed a few visits recently with her bio fam. It was out of our control. M was upset and kept asking when she would get to see her fam again. Thanks to our pre-certification training classes I knew how to handle that one. My response "I'm sorry you can't see your family right now. I'm not sure when you'll be able to, but I will let you know as soon as hear from our case manager." Then we hug it out.
9. Pray for your foster kid and bio fam.
Prayer is powerful/awesome/life changing.
10. Believe in second chances.
The goal of being foster parents is to reunify the child with their bio family. There were times where I was bitter/hurt/angry towards M's bio mom, but through prayer and talking it out with Foster Dad, I remembered that God gives second chances...For now, my job is to believe that Bio Fam can get the help they need to be able to reunify with their kid. It's not my job to judge or worry but to protect and love M, report what I know, trust that God is in control and when it's time, the court will make the right decision.
Have any tips to add to the list or additional comments?
Bonus lesson: Fake it 'til you make it
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