The last few day's I've felt like a sleep deprived,complaining,
what the heck am I doing being a stay at home mom?,
I don't know how to have fun anymore... person.
I think it stems from me feeling like a 24/7 babysitter, rather than a parent to our newly placed foster kid. Maybe it's because we are new to this parenting thing, let alone foster parenting thing, and it takes some time to get used to. Perhaps we can chalk it up to I have a 4 year old, first time parent - postpartum?
I say all that to ask: How do you attach to a child you've only known for a short while?
Foster Dad and I decided on using the fake it 'til you make it method of caring for M. She's a great kid, and a joy to have around, but it's just kinda uncomfortable to snuggle, hug and love on a kid we've known for under a month. We've read some great books and taken classes on attachment and tried the advised techniques..but we just haven't felt that connected yet. I have compassion for her, care about her A LOT and my heart hurts for her situation but somethings missing.
When we went through training they taught us that if you don't invest fully, the child can tell, and won't trust you. So Foster Dad and I have been attempting our fake it til you make it method. We have been trying to love her to the best of our ability, we've stepped out of what feels comfortable to us and provided more hugs, snuggles and have been intentional about creating special moments. We hoped eventually our fake it moments, would result in healthy parent/foster daughter attachments.
 |
| not our foster kid |
M was still holding onto me tightly doing one of those awkward laugh/cry/panic noises. She was too scared to let go. I mustered up an Emmy award speech about courage and how brave she was. I dramatically gazed into her eyes (just like they do in the movies) and said
"You have to trust me, okay?"We swam/floated around for an hour! I had my proud parent moment where foster dad, twitter and facebook had to endure my parental bragging.
She simply said "okay." and let go.
When we were done swimming, I gave M a kiss on the forehead and told her how proud I was of her. For the first time, it wasn't a fake it moment...It was natural, and felt right.
Posts
6 comments:
Great job! A much experienced foster parent told me once that fostering is like dating - sometimes you have that chemistry and sometimes you don't.
really appreciate you sharing that special moment Foster Mom - fantastic story - M is a lucky girl to have you
You both are doing great!!! It's been so much easier for my wife and me since we had our own kids prior to fostering. What you are doing is so therapeutic for M, teaching her to love and trust someone. When in doubt, carry her, sit staring at her face. Think of the time parents spend face to face with their children, from the time they are newborns on up. That is one of the most powerful ways to build an attachment. Most of these kids have missed that. So think of the simple things like holding her close while you are swimming. Your bond to M will grow along with her bond to you. I's say it's magical, but it's simply how God hard-wired us.
I Love how honest you are about fostering. It's the simple things that create the greatest connections in life - as long as there is someone present enough to notice. You are noticing so much about both you and M and building trust and creating bonds take time and patience. When I was teaching, I took great satisfaction in knowing that I had the power to enrich a child's life with a smile, honest praise for a job well done, encouragement to never give up and always always always, a positive can-do attitude. These are elements that are so easy to give, and so important to a child and that's what you are doing for M! Thanks for swimming with her and keep the wonderful anecdotes coming!
Carol
Ooh, I love your blog! It is all so real in the life of a foster parent. We are currently fostering a 2 1/2 yo whom we've had for over a year, and an 8 1/2 mo. old whom we've had for almost 8 weeks. With our most recent, it actually took me until just recently where I have felt some actual bonding with him. It is such a hard job - both emotionally and physically - but never have I done anything more rewarding, other than the raising of my own children. Keep up the great work!
I'm so proud of you guys and I'm sure that as time passes by there will be less "fake" moments and a lot more "natural" moments--either way, you are changing her life and being someone that she can count on and trust---that is so amazing!...love you both!
Post a Comment