10 Lessons in Foster Parenting

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We've been official foster parents for almost two months now.  So with our vast knowledge of expertise (cue sarcasm) and mistakes, we compiled a list of things that we learned and are trying to implement.

1. Don't tell your foster kid when their bio fam will be calling.
Trust me, I relearned that lesson tonight.  We normally don't tell M the exact day her mom will call, but since I talked to bio mom yesterday and she told me she would call tonight, I thought that meant she'd call tonight. Thank God M was fast asleep and didn't realize what happened. I would hate to have a crying kid wondering what her bio mom thinks is more important than her.

If M asks, we say "We hope your mom will call sometime this week."  It's generic enough, still telling the truth, and since M doesn't understand the concept of a week...it's a win-win.

2. A foster child has different skills and abilities than a kid that's raised in a more stable environment.
They are missing key developmental milestones from living in an inconsistent environment, or can also act older because they've been forced to take care of themselves.  Understand the developmental milestones for the age of your foster child.  If they seem delayed developmentally and your concerned, bring it up to your social worker so you can get the child the assistance they need.
 

3. Join a support group with other foster parents (working on it, check out our Share-apy Sessions to join our group!)
Foster Dad and I always imagined when we became foster parents we'd join this secret underground club of foster parents.

Random cute kid and dog

These are statements based on how we thought fostering would be, not actuality: We thought we'd ask advice from other club members because our foster kid put poo outside our bedroom door, we'd cry because bio parents care more about selling drugs than their kids, we'd pray together because bio dad broke down our door and kidnapped our foster kid and shot our dog...
Okay, so clearly our conversations in our secret club aren't real, and either is the club.  We are having a hard time finding a way to connect with foster parents in our community. So what better way than the internet. If you are a foster parent and looking for some support...join our Share-apy Sessions! It'll be special to be able to share in the journey with other foster parents.

4. Have constant behind the scenes communication with your spouse.
This will help you figure out if there's any interesting behaviors going on with the child, and it's nice to have a partner in crime to talk about life with. What husband doesn't love talking alot?!


5. If your foster kid says something weird, it's worth reporting to your case manager/social worker.
Kid's say the darndest things...that may reveal a lot about their past situations, thoughts or feelings.


6. Keep a calendar with EVERY visit between bio fam and foster kid, social worker, therapists, doctors, etc...and keep track of every noteworthy event.
This will come in handy during meetings or when you discuss the case with the professionals. 


7. Learn where your foster kid came from.
M talks a lot about people and places we don't know.  If the conversation is casual I'll ask easy follow up questions.  My goal isn't to attempt to figure out if her past was sketchy (that's not my job)...but my goal is to know more about her. 


8. Be honest with your foster kid. 
We missed a few visits recently with her bio fam.  It was out of our control. M was upset and kept asking when she would get to see her fam again. Thanks to our pre-certification training classes I knew how to handle that one. My response "I'm sorry you can't see your family right now. I'm not sure when you'll be able to, but I will let you know as soon as hear from our case manager." Then we hug it out.

9. Pray for your foster kid and bio fam.
Prayer is powerful/awesome/life changing.


10. Believe in second chances.
The goal of being foster parents is to reunify the child with their bio family. There were times where I was bitter/hurt/angry towards M's bio mom, but through prayer and talking it out with Foster Dad, I remembered that God gives second chances...For now, my job is to believe that Bio Fam can get the help they need to be able to reunify with their kid.  It's not my job to judge or worry but to protect and love M, report what I know, trust that God is in control and when it's time, the court will make the right decision.


Have any tips to add to the list or additional comments?
Bonus lesson: Fake it 'til you make it

God's Songs

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Foster Dad and I are Christians.  To us it's not just a Sunday thing, but an everyday, this is my lifestyle, I believe in something bigger than myself, God is good, miracles are relevant and Jesus is legit- kinda thing.
M regularly attended church in her previous foster home. Since living with us she often reminds us to pray before all our meals and she asks God for a rainbow...everyday.

Ever since the crusty sing off from our pop culture diva, M, I've decided to make it a point to listen to uplifting, kid friendly music.  M refers to this as "God's songs".

We were riding in the car listening to the Christian radio station when a new song came on. From the backseat I heard "This is my favorite song!! Is this about God?...We sing songs to God because He likes it?" and she joined right in with the lyrics.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us...

"He loves us" is sooo much better than her old favorite "Come here rude boy". 
As small as this moment was, it reminded me that God IS using us to make a difference in this child's life. It was evident today as we sang a song to God together. I'm glad I was wearing my sunglasses because they hid my tears.

When it was over M said "God loves me and thinks I'm beautiful!"
I pray and hope she can carry those words with her for the rest of her life...

Share-apy time! We would love to hear your story of when you realized you were making a positive impact on a child's life?

"There's No Off Button"

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I'm an introvert.  I'm used to working from home, in an office of one...and now we have two. M is a talker.  If talking was a sport, she'd be team captain, headed to the Olympics.


She'll talk to anyone who will listen...or not listen for that matter.

We have quiet time everyday, which turns into an hour concert in her room.

I once caught her playing "barbies" with her markers. She had full fledged conversations between her Marker family of 4.

We took a 3 hour road trip the other day and our "silent game" turned into "Ohhh..I just lost!" "Lost again!" "What's the silent game?"

She's an extreme run on sentence.
ThatsmyfavoritefoodOhhhohhhhIlikethatfoodWhatarewegonnahavefordinner?Imsohungrywhatareyougonnahaveareyouhungryooohhhhhhhhhmygoshthatsmyfavoritefooditssoooooyummythatsmymomsfavoritefood.

Our social worker (let's nickname him Mr. Awesome) came over to check up on us. He ended up staying for a few hours.  Mr. Awesome and M read stories together, they laughed, and talked. Correction, she talked.  He took his time to really get to know her better, and it wasn't just a drive by visit like the horror stories you sometimes hear.  Mr. Awesome really cares about these kids.

After their playtime, we had some "adult" talk time as M sang songs in her room.  He asked if we wanted to take more foster kids while we had M.

I kinda shouted way too fast "NO!!!..umm...I mean...I don't think so. Not right now."

Just at that moment, M ran out of her room to show off her princess twirling skills, while singing some made up magical song.

"I understand. There's no off button for this one." He said laughing, motioning to M.

Moms & dads: How do you survive the extreme talkers?

'Men In Black' Visit Preschools Across the World

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Think back...way back to kindergarten....now preschool...farther...BLANK!  Why can't I remember anything before that?  If anything, a 2 or 3 second image of a place I cannot recognize but know is real.  Did the Men In Black zap me with their memory eraser pen thing when I was 4 years old?

I did some googling and found a few sources that say our memory starts to develop at the same age for everyone, 4 or 5 years old.  Yes, there are some fakers out there that say they remember being in their crib, looking up.  Personally I'm glad I can't remember all that time spent under my mom's shirt (gag).

What does this mean for kids under age 4?  After I read about this phenomena I exclaimed to Foster Mom, "Darn, we wasted a trip with M to Disney!"  Why did we spend the money, lose the sunglasses in the McDonalds' toilet on the way, and deal with excited pee spurts as we approached the gate if she's never going to remember it? Haha!  If I knew she wouldn't remember, I would have spent all my time in line for splash mountain instead of waiting for an hour in the sun to see Tinkerbell.

All joking aside, even though memories of events may not transfer into adulthood, some feelings, abuse, and skillz just might.  It's creepy and cool all at the same time.  It's like you're in Robot mode for the first 4 years of your life, then when you're older and you look down to see some rust on your heart, you think, "Hey, what happened?  Why do I feel so itchy-crusty?" 

At the same time, as foster parents, we certainly don't see our 4 year old kid as a Robot.  M laughs, cries, creates, remembers her bio fam and old friends, toys, and even BabyGirl the mystery dog.   I guess Foster Mom and I can't play too many pranks on M's developing memory.  It's cool though, because the memories we're saving up of her acting priceless are fully locked in.

Top 10 Differences from Parentless to Parenthood

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1. My morning routine consists of Playhouse Disney at 8AM instead of Gilmore Girls at 11

2. With my new early bedtime, I am no longer tempted by the 3AM infomercial

3. I now have the joyous responsibility of monitoring and occasionally cleaning a kid's boogers, dirty underwear and crusty toe nails

4. I always have someone to run errands with. Although running errands quickly is a blast from the past

5. I hear a "Why?" after every sentence that leaves my mouth. My lame response "because"

6. I eat brownies while secretly hiding in the bathroom and WAY more fruits and veggies at the dinner table

7. We are on a first name basis with the librarian

8. Dressing up like a princess is cool

9. I don't need the radio on while we run errands because M's a human radio

10. No need for trashy reality TV shows when I get live entertainment the whole day.  Followed by the question "What's funny guys?!" Our response "YOU!"

This transition from parentless to parenthood has been interesting. We can no longer take the dog for a late night walk together or easily go to that blockbuster movie we've been dying to see...but instead we get to walk at a 4 year old pace (really slow) holding hands and get an abundance of hugs, playtime and laughs.

Foster or bio parents: What was your big difference from no kids to kids?

© Baby Blues Comics

Thanks for the comments... share your story

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I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has left encouraging comments.  Please tell us about your stories and feelings as they relate to the topics we are writing about.  A little Share-apy will help us all get through the challenge of answering the call to be on a Foster Parent Journey.

To adopt, or not?

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As the weeks go on, it's becoming more apparent that M is on the road towards adoption.  It's sad, but true.  What a bummer!  Imagine that you're a kid and everyone around you knows that you won't be going "home", but you have no idea.  You think you're just hanging out, getting presents, going to the zoo, eating your vegetables, and saying "I love you" to strangers... but soon some new strangers will be returning the phrase.

Foster Mom and I twist and turn in our dual reclining lazyboys, nervously sipping on McDonald's Frappes (our secret after-kid-bedtime treat).  Do we want this kid to live with us forever?  If we let her go to another family, will we always wonder if we turned our back on a blessing from God?  Will we get any say in who she goes to live with?  What if her adoptive parents aren't as cool as we are?! JK.

If we keep her, will things get better or worse?  How will she react to another child coming into the home if we decide to have a baby or get another foster kid?  If we keep her, will we miss out on an even better kid that God has in the works for our house?

So selfish, I know!!  I feel horrible, but I actually feel something as a man, so give me a break.  M is so cute, so happy despite her circumstances, so talkative, so sing-y... how could we not keep her?  Just like that.

When we started this whole thing we really thought that her mom would get a reality check, get it together, and be awesome so she could bring her family back together.  That may still happen, but the odds don't help.

An open letter to M's birth mom

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Dear M's birth mom,
You are so young, but have lived through more hardships than anyone should ever endure. I know you've faced a childhood with parents battling addictions.  Addictions that resulted in you being sent to a foster home that didn't protect you and keep you safe.  I can't begin to imagine the heartache you've faced at such a young age. No child should ever have to go through what you did.

You are a product of your childhood environment, and trapped in the same cycle in your adult life.  You're giving M the childhood you tried running from. You can break the cycle...one choice at a time.

I often hear you tell M not to cry but to be happy and strong. Maybe you were raised where it wasn't okay to cry. But some of the toughest people I know cry, A LOT.  Tears show a breaking point and sometimes when you truly let go, your tears are the first step in bringing about healing and change.

We all struggle with some form of addiction, some aren't life altering struggles, and others are.  Mine, are mocha frappes from Starbucks.  I pray and hope your addictions, whatever they may be, can be put to rest when you think of your children who need you.

There are times where I've been so frustrated, bitter and angry at you and the situation you've put your family in.  Through my tears and prayers I'm reminded that you too, are created in the image of God and deserve to be loved.

We pray for you daily, and are rooting for you and the reunification of your family.  I pray you don't let your past struggles dictate your today, but that you break the cycle and let God rewrite your story...

... a story of redemption, grace and love.
 - "Foster Mom"

You can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens you. Philippians 4:13

Fake It 'Til You Make It Parenting

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The last few day's I've felt like a sleep deprived,
complaining,
what the heck am I doing being a stay at home mom?,
I don't know how to have fun anymore... person.

I think it stems from me feeling like a 24/7 babysitter, rather than a parent to our newly placed foster kid.  Maybe it's because we are new to this parenting thing, let alone foster parenting thing, and it takes some time to get used to.  Perhaps we can chalk it up to I have a 4 year old, first time parent - postpartum?

I say all that to ask: How do you attach to a child you've only known for a short while? 

Foster Dad and I decided on using the fake it 'til you make it method of caring for M. She's a great kid, and a joy to have around, but it's just kinda uncomfortable to snuggle, hug and love on a kid we've known for under a month. We've read some great books and taken classes on attachment and tried the advised techniques..but we just haven't felt that connected yet. I have compassion for her, care about her A LOT and my heart hurts for her situation but somethings missing.

When we went through training they taught us that if you don't invest fully, the child can tell, and won't trust you.  So Foster Dad and I have been attempting our fake it til you make it method. We have been trying to love her to the best of our ability, we've stepped out of what feels comfortable to us and provided more hugs, snuggles and have been intentional about creating special moments.  We hoped eventually our fake it moments, would result in healthy parent/foster daughter attachments.

not our foster kid

M has a drowning phobia with a life jacket on.  So today when I asked her what she wanted to do and her response was "Swim!" I knew we were in for a treat (cue sarcasm).  Her swimming consists of rolling around in the sand, dodging the waves, and not getting wet.  We headed to the beach with her life jacket in tow as she promised she'd go for a real swim.  The water was cold but we mustered enough courage to go in ankle deep before M's terror took over and ran to our beach towels on shore. I some how conned her to get back into the water and before I knew it, we were deep enough where she could no longer stand.

M was still holding onto me tightly doing one of those awkward laugh/cry/panic noises. She was too scared to let go.  I mustered up an Emmy award speech about courage and how brave she was. I dramatically gazed into her eyes (just like they do in the movies) and said

"You have to trust me, okay?"
She simply said "okay." and let go.

We swam/floated around for an hour!  I had my proud parent moment where foster dad, twitter and facebook had to endure my parental bragging.

When we were done swimming, I gave M a kiss on the forehead and told her how proud I was of her.  For the first time, it wasn't a fake it moment...It was natural, and felt right.

"You're not his daughter!"

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Just hours before, I was asking Foster Mom if she thought perhaps some people might think that M is our bio daughter. Despite our ethnicity difference, our skin color is somewhat similar.  Kids can tell the difference though, and they're not afraid to point it out.

At the playground a 5 year old girl was petting our puppy, who was pulling at his leash to lick her face.  M came over from the swings and started telling her about how he jumps up a lot.  The girl exclaimed, "How do you know?! You're not his daughter!"  I quickly defended M, "Yes she is.  She lives with us.  This is her dog."

This was M's first time being called out as not belonging, but it won't be the last.  We've all but avoided awkward comments and head shifting stares as we've paraded M around our local parks, shopping centers, and theme parks, but how many thoughts or whispers have floated our way without us knowing?  Have the people of America matured to the point where adoption, foster care, and mixed marriages fall within their world view and don't set off little auto-alarms in their heads?

The other day Foster Mom and I saw a white couple with an african-american girl on the shuttle from the parking lot to the theme park.  The couple's shirts and the girl's dress were all made of the same fabric (style vomfest 2010).  I couldn't help but want to know their story.  Were they foster parents?  Did they adopt?  Was it their granddaughter?  Did they see us with M?  Are they asking the same questions?  It really made me want to know other foster parents and share in the experience with them.  Of course we have the support of our family and friends, but it would be nice to have some group therapy (laughter, stories, tears, answer-the-"why are we doing this?"-question game) once in a while, you know?

Are there any foster parents out there?

M's Story

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I don't know M's story, I don't even know her middle name. It's hard having someone new live with you, especially if you've never met before.  We went through the first week thinking she hated carrots. Yesterday she said carrots are her favorite and she ate her whole snack sized bag. She said she never rode a bike before but she was popping wheelies the first ride we took her on.  It's a mystery figuring out what she likes, doesn't like, can and can't do.  We have no idea where she lived prior to us, or the stories that unfolded there.

Sometimes I wish I could get into this little 4 year old's mind, then maybe some of the confusion would be gone. I think if I took a peek into her mind, it would be way beyond bike rides and princesses...but it would consist or stories someone her age shouldn't know. I wish we had a better understanding of what she's been through. Maybe if we could piece together what happened in her past, we could start to bring healing to her future. We'll be driving in the car, or taking a walk and something (a trailer, police car, a doll...) will trigger M to tell a new piece of her story.  As her story unfolds we desperately cling to that piece of the puzzle, but end up with more questions than before.  Some of her stories we have to report to our case manager, and others are just for us to understand who she is.

One of our prayers and goals for M while she lives with us, is that she gets her childhood back. We hope that the puzzle pieces start to fit together and her story can be one of love and overcoming her past.  If you remember...please keep her in your prayers :)

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

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Drawing by M

One of M's best qualities is how joyful she is. It's one of the main reasons we love being around her. A concern of ours is that that she may be compartmentalizing the fact that her whole life recently got flipped upside down.  M never really went through the stages of grief, which is the "normal" way to process a traumatic event.  Being taken away from her parents and living in a "random" home should bring up some emotion, other than happiness.  Significant grief responses which go unresolved can lead to mental, physical, and sociological problems. M hasn't displayed any unhealthy tendencies yet and we hope she never does.

So one of the things we are working on this week, is expressing healthy emotions. During homework time, she drew the above picture.  I asked her to tell me about it....

"This is a boy who is really sad because he misses his mom."

"Are you feeling sad too. Do you miss your mom?" I asked.

 "I said it's a boy, not me. This isn't about me." M said.

A picture really is worth a thousand words. This drawing softened my heart and I got to see beneath her mask of happiness. The boy, clearly not M, is sad...and has too many fingers. ;)

Taylor Swift brought me down off the ledge

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I taught a kid to swim today.  Well, I taught a kid to float in a life jacket and helped her not freak out... again.  Before we stepped into the water, her eyes filled with fear.  "Will I drown? Don't let me go. Can I hold your neck. Don't let me go. I can't do it!"  Within 2 minutes I had her floating in the shallow end of the pool, life jacket firmly strapped up.  Then the breathing started, and it got faster and faster and... "I can't breathe!"  "Yes you can... breathe with me... in, out, in." It was like coaching a chick through labor, but it wasn't working.  From the side of the pool a friend chimes in, "What's your favorite song?"  Regretfully, I start it up, hoping she'll finish it off, "She wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts, she's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers..."  She continued through the end and was happily kicking and swimming around from then on.  Taylor Swift saved a life today.

I heard it on tv once, so I keep trying to drive this phrase home, "Don't say you can't. Say you can. I can do it!"  What makes a kid fear to try something?  What makes a kid afraid to fail and try again?  Is it embedded or is it programmed?  A 4 year old has a very limited vocabulary.  Today I had to explain what a "mile" is.  Unfortunately I used the word "distance", then had to explain that too!  I didn't get very far.  But how does a 4 year old know what "drowning" means?  Why would she say, "I don't want to drown." Someone obviously poured a heavy dose of fear and attached it to that bad word, then planted it in that little brain.

It's crazy to think about the power of suggestion adults have in a little kid's mind.  My goal is to provide positive, overcoming goals instead of fear-inducing warnings.  I can do it!

Sing-A-Longs

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M, our 4 year old foster kid, is a pop culture diva. She can sing along to the majority of the songs on the radio. When we had guests over, if she was up for it she would sing some Taylor Swift or Bieber. It quickly became our "party trick"...
Until today, when it got extremely disturbing.

M and I were riding in the car to meet up with our case manager. My CD player is pretty finicky and decided not to work so I was flipping through stations when M yelled, "That's my favorite song!"

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Her sweet little voice sang EVERY word, not missing a beat. I changed the station extremely quickly but wanted to show you more lyrics for shock value.

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair...

I was shocked. I tried to explain that the song is a "gross" song and not appropriate for kids, or anyone for that matter...

It just hurts my heart how her innocence has been taken away. I'm past the point of thinking "it's cute" in regards to how many hit songs she knows. She wasn't sheltered at all, and it's sad to think about how else her innocence may have been lost.

I thought I would never be saying this but I would love some quality Barney sing-a-longs right about now.

Parent's for a whole week

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Getting married can make a person feel like they are no longer in total control... Getting a kid will cut the last thread. I'm not sure who's in control at this point, but I think God is pulling some of the strings.
After a week, we're sure that M is the right kid for us to warm up to being foster parents. With her favorite phrases being, "Apples make me fart!", "A puppy? He's so keeeeyyyyuuuuuuute!", and "I crapped my pants", how can we not be entertained. Please note, she didn't actually crap her pants.

On an evening walk with the dog and M, I started singing, "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars..." and to my surprise a little voice continued, "...I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now-ow-ow." That's her mom's "favorite song".

Foster Mom is busy all day with fake homework, playtime at the park, and library visits, along with the required visits to Bio Mom, doctor visits, and loads of paperwork. Babysitting for me is pulling out the stopwatch to clock M running from door to door in the house to beat her fastest time, all while wearing a bike helmet because she thinks it's proper exercise apparel.

I could write pages of stories from the last week alone, but I'll spare you for now... Just remember not to EVER let your kids watch Chuckie, because it will haunt them for life.

The Journey Begins

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All it takes is one phone call for life as you know it to change forever. Just 8 days after we became officially approved foster parents, the phone rang and 4 hours later we were heading home with a complete stranger in the car... a completely cute four year-old stranger, to be exact.

On the way to pick her up, so many questions were spilling out. What will she call us? Will she be scared to drive away with us? Should one of us sit next to her in the back seat on the way home? Little did we know these would be the first of many issues that we would need to figure out as new parents trying to raise someone else's child in our home.

This blog highlights our journey as foster parents. It's not a How To and it's not a Tell All. It's just a bunch of tidbits, thoughts, feelings and stories about being a foster parent.