-Post by Foster Mom
When we first decided to become foster parents, I secretly thought we would end up adopting our first placement. It would be the start of our family...and God would use us to help a hurting child heal. Perhaps I romanticized our roles as foster parents, but I don't think I did. It just wasn't our story.
I'm sure if you are reading this, you've been apart of our 8 month journey as M was living with us. As we started on this road to become foster parents we craved helping a child. We wanted to show them unconditional love. We wanted to teach them about second chances, hope and what a family looked like.
But that was hard because M hardly let us parent her. She had her mom and she missed her terribly. As their visits got more frequent, M pulled away more and more. We talked to her therapist, case mangers and social workers...trying to figure out how to best create a connection. The problem was, she has a mom and I'm not it. She was scheduled for reunification and our long term role in her life was quickly fading. We did the best we could do, gave her safety, stability and continued to show her what a family looked like. Something shifted in our minds though. We felt like glorified babysitters...and we had to be okay with that.
Don't get me wrong, we did have our special bonding moments. We took her across the country with us during Christmas where she experienced snow for the first time. We held hands and danced with princesses at Disneyland. We giggled as we cooked dinner together often.
But the majority of our special moments would end quickly as she thought of her mom. It was as if M had a constant battle in her mind as to where her loyalties were. Her mom always won.
Because of that we battled manipulation. She was constantly trying to be in control and hated anyone who gave her any type of consequences. On top of that...the consequences didn't even work. We went super nanny on her, we did time-ins, take aways, extra work...Nothing had an impact on her. Our job as "parents" was getting harder. And M got worse and worse.
Foster Dad and I struggled during the placement and often wondered if we were heartless because we had a hard time connecting. We wondered if we could truly love any child.
I remember one night we were at a training class and a family we had just met told us their struggle. They have a biological child who they love and adore. But they struggled bonding with the foster child that was placed in their home. The father said it was a constant struggle and left him feeling heartless.
I felt as if God was whispering to me "it would be okay" and we aren't abnormal.
I realized that (for us) we just have a really tough placement and we do have the ability to truly love a child...a child we adopt or have biologically. As we headed towards M going back to Bio Mom....we wondered what our next steps would be.
A month and a half before M returned to her mom, we found out we were pregnant! Now, I'm over 5 months pregnant and we are focusing on the next steps with our son. Foster Dad and I decided to take a break from being foster parents for now. Maybe forever. Maybe until our son grows a little older.
The other day at a party, I ran into the family we met at our training class and they told us some great news. The child they had a hard time bonding with reunified and now they have a new placement. They said the little girl placed with them is the best thing that ever happened to them. The father said he's so in love with this child and feels as if they've always been together.
Imagine if they gave up as foster parents what they would have missed out on? It still intrigues me...
What I've learned on this journey...
Every situation is different. Every child is different...and so is every parent. Sometimes your ability to connect may be hindered by circumstances out of your control but it doesn't mean it's not possible.
I still have a heart towards adoption and foster children. We just know our boundaries better and what we are capable of.
I am extremely thankful for all for your support and love during this journey!!
--------
In other news, I started a more public blog. If you would like to stay connected please leave a comment with your email address or email me at fosterparentjourney@gmail.com and I will send you the link to the new blog. I have loved having a community with you and sharing stories! Occasionally I will continue to update and process some thoughts through this blog too. When I need to be anonymous I'll write here. Thanks for reading and sharing your life with us!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Michael Jackson, Drowning and a Playdate with M
-Post by Foster Mom (please ignore the mess, the blog is getting a makeover!)
A little less than 2 months has passed since M reunified with Bio Mom. Since then, we’ve had a handful of conversations and they seem to be adjusting well. We’ve always been upfront and have expressed interest in continuing a relationship with M….but during this transition we wanted to give them time and didn’t want to step on Bio Mom’s toes. Bio Mom called one day and told us that M was looking at the photo album we gave her, really missed us and was ready to hang out.A week later we got out the sand toys, juice boxes and beach chairs and loaded the car. On the way to Bio Mom's group home, I prayed I wouldn't go into "investigator" mode and quiz M...but rather try to let things happen organically.
And boy did they...
We knocked on the door and their stood the oldest looking 5 year old I've ever seen. M had on a beautiful Easter dress, white high heels, her hair was weighed down with product and I could hardly see her face under all the makeup she had on. Through the hugs and "hellos" I could see Foster Dad's confusion.
Foster Dad: You know we're going to the beach right?
M (shyly): Yeah I brought some beach clothes in my bag. I'm not going to drown right?
In the car ride M was nervous.
So was I.
Foster Dad told some jokes to make it less awkward...
which resulted in M saying about 40 times: You are sooooooo silly! He's sooooo silly!
It almost seemed like the M we remembered.
She then proceeded to tell us she saw Michael Jackson. The singer. Even though he's dead, she saw him. She feeds chocolate to the birds and misses her old room and our dog. She doesn't tell lies at her moms or do "inappropriate stuff". She eats super healthy - ranch and carrots.
M was spit balling randomness for about twenty minutes. I just listened and thought about how different her life is.
She lives in a group home. M shares a bedroom with her baby brother and her mom. The crib is overflowing with clothes and toys because there's nowhere else to put them and Brother is left sleeping next to Bio Mom. The majority of her toys and clothes she had at our house that we let her keep, aren't anywhere in to be seen. Her mom still has a friendship with "crusty dad" even after the social workers and therapists advised against it. Bio Mom has no job and no plans to get one anytime soon. The facility they live at is great. They have rules and a house-mom who is solid. Because of this, I know M is safe and will be okay.
As we got to the beach M informed me they are moving on Friday.
So much for the safety.
We got out the sand toys and M started playing. She wanted to be a seahorse named "M". She asked me to be the Mom turtle. M the Seahorse kept drowning, yelling and begging for someone to save her. After play-saving her 5 times, I asked her if we could play something else. She wanted to play house. M the Seahorse was in bed and kept getting covered by sand and yelling "I can't breathe..I'm going to die."
Obviously, I'm not a therapist. But I know it wasn't a good sign.
Foster Dad distracted her by flying a kite.
I sat and reflected on how much has changed and how much hasn't. It was good to see her, but it was hard. She arrived in our home acting over-sexualized, like an adult and fearful. She left foster care learning to create healthy relationships with others and connect with peers...and she acted her age. It broke my heart to see how fast those lessons have been unlearned.
I wish she was able to get adopted by a super awesome therapist that could help bandage up her wounds. She's 5 and has been around too much, causing damage, that will take years of repair. My prayer is that Bio Mom breaks the cycle for her children and gets the help little M deserves. M has so many talents and strengths and holds endless possibilities in her hands. How do I feel after all of this?
It was great to see M for the day and lavish her with compliments and hugs. I think in the foster care system, the bar is set way to low as to how reunification is determined. Minimal, the parents should go through all the training we had to go through to get certified. M's Bio Mom has made a lot of positive changes while M lived with us, but more needed to happen prior to reunification. My fear is that this will be a family in constant survival mode, living day to day....and the cycle continues....
It was great to see M for the day and lavish her with compliments and hugs. I think in the foster care system, the bar is set way to low as to how reunification is determined. Minimal, the parents should go through all the training we had to go through to get certified. M's Bio Mom has made a lot of positive changes while M lived with us, but more needed to happen prior to reunification. My fear is that this will be a family in constant survival mode, living day to day....and the cycle continues....
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Update our domain & big news coming soon
Hi gang.
So we have some new updates
1. Tomorrow our website is changing to www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
Please bookmark the change so you can stay in touch. We decided not to pay our current domain renewal.
2. Stay tuned for an update about when we spent the day with M.
3. Also stay tuned for a big announcement!
Coming soon at www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
So we have some new updates
1. Tomorrow our website is changing to www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
Please bookmark the change so you can stay in touch. We decided not to pay our current domain renewal.
2. Stay tuned for an update about when we spent the day with M.
3. Also stay tuned for a big announcement!
Coming soon at www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Reunification: M is back with her mom
-Post by Foster Mom
A lot has happened over the last few months.
It's been hard.
There are a lot of great memories and heartache I may end up sharing, but for now I'll just give you an update.
M moved back in with her mom, which was the goal from day 1.
The court approved it and the next day reunification happened.
Although it's been "looming" over our heads for a few months, it still seemed to happen pretty quick.
We made sure she had closure at preschool, with our neighbors, her therapist and other key players.
As we drove M to her mom's, I could tell she started realizing things were about to be very different.
Her concerns seemed to go away as soon as she was in her mom's arms.
Mine didn't.
This was a few weeks ago...
I was scared to call and check in. What if mass chaos happened? What if her mom doesn't let me talk to M ever again? What if...
I picked up the phone and called today.
M sounded older, more mature.
Some highlights:
A lot has happened over the last few months.
It's been hard.
There are a lot of great memories and heartache I may end up sharing, but for now I'll just give you an update.
M moved back in with her mom, which was the goal from day 1.
The court approved it and the next day reunification happened.
Although it's been "looming" over our heads for a few months, it still seemed to happen pretty quick.
We made sure she had closure at preschool, with our neighbors, her therapist and other key players.
As we drove M to her mom's, I could tell she started realizing things were about to be very different.
"My mom doesn't have a car....how will I get places?"
We praised the bus system and talked about her other concerns.Her concerns seemed to go away as soon as she was in her mom's arms.
Mine didn't.
This was a few weeks ago...
I was scared to call and check in. What if mass chaos happened? What if her mom doesn't let me talk to M ever again? What if...
I picked up the phone and called today.
M sounded older, more mature.
Some highlights:
Monday, February 7, 2011
Now Laugh! 2
-Post by Foster Mom
I tend to blog about the hard stuff...so thought I'd lighten the mood with some of M's great one liners and random moments.
During An Adventure Walk
aka walking the dog
Foster Mom: You're a good navigator
M: I'm not an alligator!
After Kid's Church
Foster Mom: Did you make any friends at kids church?
M: No! They were boring and picked their noses.
Cough Cough
Foster Mom: Oh no! Are you feeling sick?
M: No but the bunny in my throat is.
Foster Mom: What??
M: My mom told me there's a bunny in my throat.
After Getting Her Haircut
M: "I looked in the mirror and am really embarrassed!"
Nap Time Lurker
M: The dog just pooped in my bed and it's disgusting.
Night Time Pee
I went to tuck M in, who was already fast asleep on the floor.
She didn't go potty so I asked her to get up and go.
She went over and sat in her desk chair.
Yikes!
At The Movies
One of the trailers was Justin Bieber's Never Say Never.
M yelled for the whole theater to hear: Wow, Justin did so good!"
Apparently they are best friends.
Boy Crazy 4 Year Old
M: So when I'm really old, like 15, I'll get married.
Foster Mom: Hmmm..maybe you could go to college first, then get married.
M: Ok, so I'll be way older than you, like fifteen thirty. I'll name my husband Justin....Justin...Bieber.
Want some more randomness? Check out - Now Laugh! Part 1.
I tend to blog about the hard stuff...so thought I'd lighten the mood with some of M's great one liners and random moments.
During An Adventure Walkaka walking the dog
Foster Mom: You're a good navigator
M: I'm not an alligator!
After Kid's Church
Foster Mom: Did you make any friends at kids church?
M: No! They were boring and picked their noses.
Cough Cough
Foster Mom: Oh no! Are you feeling sick?
M: No but the bunny in my throat is.
Foster Mom: What??
M: My mom told me there's a bunny in my throat.
After Getting Her Haircut
M: "I looked in the mirror and am really embarrassed!"
Nap Time Lurker
M: The dog just pooped in my bed and it's disgusting.
Night Time Pee
I went to tuck M in, who was already fast asleep on the floor.
She didn't go potty so I asked her to get up and go.
She went over and sat in her desk chair.
Yikes!
At The Movies
One of the trailers was Justin Bieber's Never Say Never.
M yelled for the whole theater to hear: Wow, Justin did so good!"
Apparently they are best friends.
Boy Crazy 4 Year Old
Foster Mom: Hmmm..maybe you could go to college first, then get married.
M: Ok, so I'll be way older than you, like fifteen thirty. I'll name my husband Justin....Justin...Bieber.
Want some more randomness? Check out - Now Laugh! Part 1.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Lice Saved Our Relationship
-Post by Foster Mom
I would like to start by saying...I don't appreciate bugs and I don't do vomit.
I haven't puked since first grade. I think it's a world record.
I tried to google it but all that came up was "longest time without peeing world record". Impressive.
World record or not, I don't know what it feels like to get sick and it creeps me out. I'm afraid of it. True confessions of anteenage almost 30 year old drama queen.
Also, as I've gotten older, my love for bugs has dissipated. They have a home, and it shouldn't be anywhere near me.
Now that I'm married, if there's a gross bug or spidey in the house (and I'm not referring to Heidi and Spencer from the Hills) I yell for Foster Dad to smash it. This is what marriage is about.
Plus Foster Dad get's the job done and I don't have to risk the harm that could come from a miss kill.
I digress...
Let's backtrack to a few weeks ago on a Friday, shall we?
Foster Dad's reaction time was that of a ninja.
He ran into her room to discover....
Chunky
smelly
nasty
pizza vomit
everywhere.
He yelled. "She's okay but there's puke on her hands, all over her blankets, her pillow, her hair, stuffed animals, the floor..."
I hid under the covers and yelled "Ewwww! Do you need my help?" Please say no...please say no...please say no.
"I'll keep him." I thought as I hid under my protective shield being the worst mother in the world.
We were casually chit chatting and I saw something move...
on
M's
head.
I tried to play it cool...but couldn't contain myself and shouted
"English Speaking Mother (name has been changed), I saw a bug on M's head!!!!"
"It can't be..." Her voice trailed off as she started combing through M's hair.
It was.
I had a slow motion flash back of the handout I received from preschool two weeks earlier reporting creepy, crawly, crusty LICE!
This was my moment to shine. I could redeem myself after the pizza vom-fest a few weeks earlier. We headed straight for the pharmacy and got some treatment.
Bio Mom and M were supposed to have a sleepover the next day so I called to give her an update. I found out Bio Mom also had lice and the sleepover got canceled.
I spent the afternoon with plastic gloves on, a shield over my face and a scarf on my head, acting like a monkey pulling lice out of M's hair. She was very patient through this whole process, and girly screamed with me every time we encountered a beast.
A week of this and I've downgraded to bare hands and no shields. I have had a few miss kills but luckily they haven't crawled into my mouth.
Being a foster parent has challenged me in ways I would have never imagined.
M came to us being Miss. Independent and had basically raised her mother. They talk on the phone and M comforts Bio Mom. She's 4.
So when M got lice and let me pick crusty bugs out of her hair, it brought us closer. She had a need and let me fill it. This happened the week after she told everyone she didn't like me (post coming soon).
Lice saved our relationship.
We are officially lice free. I'm also happy to report we no longer do Pizza Fridays.
What are your creepy moments that are relatioship savers?
Or when have you broken out of your comfort zone to help your kid?
I would like to start by saying...I don't appreciate bugs and I don't do vomit.
I haven't puked since first grade. I think it's a world record.
I tried to google it but all that came up was "longest time without peeing world record". Impressive.
World record or not, I don't know what it feels like to get sick and it creeps me out. I'm afraid of it. True confessions of an
Now that I'm married, if there's a gross bug or spidey in the house (and I'm not referring to Heidi and Spencer from the Hills) I yell for Foster Dad to smash it. This is what marriage is about.
Plus Foster Dad get's the job done and I don't have to risk the harm that could come from a miss kill.
MISS KILL
When you think you killed a bug and you let your guard down. Then you find out you had bad aim and it crawls all over your body, into your mouth and then you vom out of sheer disgust. WAY TO RISKY, RIGHT!?
I digress...
Let's backtrack to a few weeks ago on a Friday, shall we?
***
"HELPPPPPPP!" M sobbed at 3am.Foster Dad's reaction time was that of a ninja.
He ran into her room to discover....
Chunky
smelly
nasty
pizza vomit
everywhere.
He yelled. "She's okay but there's puke on her hands, all over her blankets, her pillow, her hair, stuffed animals, the floor..."
I hid under the covers and yelled "Ewwww! Do you need my help?" Please say no...please say no...please say no.
"No."
"I'll keep him." I thought as I hid under my protective shield being the worst mother in the world.
***
Let's fast forward to last week. M and I were on a play date with a kid from preschool and his mom, the only English speaking mother I could find in the school yard.We were casually chit chatting and I saw something move...
on
M's
head.
I tried to play it cool...but couldn't contain myself and shouted
"English Speaking Mother (name has been changed), I saw a bug on M's head!!!!"
It was.
I had a slow motion flash back of the handout I received from preschool two weeks earlier reporting creepy, crawly, crusty LICE!
This was my moment to shine. I could redeem myself after the pizza vom-fest a few weeks earlier. We headed straight for the pharmacy and got some treatment.
Bio Mom and M were supposed to have a sleepover the next day so I called to give her an update. I found out Bio Mom also had lice and the sleepover got canceled.
I spent the afternoon with plastic gloves on, a shield over my face and a scarf on my head, acting like a monkey pulling lice out of M's hair. She was very patient through this whole process, and girly screamed with me every time we encountered a beast.
A week of this and I've downgraded to bare hands and no shields. I have had a few miss kills but luckily they haven't crawled into my mouth.
Being a foster parent has challenged me in ways I would have never imagined.
M came to us being Miss. Independent and had basically raised her mother. They talk on the phone and M comforts Bio Mom. She's 4.
So when M got lice and let me pick crusty bugs out of her hair, it brought us closer. She had a need and let me fill it. This happened the week after she told everyone she didn't like me (post coming soon).
Lice saved our relationship.
We are officially lice free. I'm also happy to report we no longer do Pizza Fridays.
What are your creepy moments that are relatioship savers?
Or when have you broken out of your comfort zone to help your kid?
The Unofficial Annoucment: M's going back with her mom
-Post by Foster Mom
Quick update:
I have a lot of things on my mind lately.
A lot of which, I can't yet really put into words...hence the blog silence.
It looks like (if all goes "well") M will be reunifying with her mom in a few months. This is probably the hardest part of our journey so far. M, rightfully so, has been having a hard time transitioning back after visits with Bio Mom (more on that later).
I'm grateful for her therapist who is helping in a lot of ways, and extremely encouraging to all of us.
More coming soon...
Quick update:
I have a lot of things on my mind lately.
A lot of which, I can't yet really put into words...hence the blog silence.
It looks like (if all goes "well") M will be reunifying with her mom in a few months. This is probably the hardest part of our journey so far. M, rightfully so, has been having a hard time transitioning back after visits with Bio Mom (more on that later).
I'm grateful for her therapist who is helping in a lot of ways, and extremely encouraging to all of us.
More coming soon...
Monday, January 17, 2011
How To Not Stress During the Reunification Process?!
-Post by Foster Mom
Alongside the professional experts (therapist, case manger, etc), Foster Dad and I have been focusing on a number of things while M is living with us. A few of them are:
I fear all our lessons will go right out the window as soon as reunification takes place in a few months.
EDIT {took out some details about how Bio Mom wasn't making the best choices during visits}
I knew this would be the hardest part. We've protected a child for months and to send her right back intodysfunction, unsafe relationships, something possibly yucky is heartbreaking.
So I asked the foster parents of twitter-verse in 140 characters or less how they cope with the stress of the reunification process? Their answers has helped them through the high and lows and are located below the bow.
Thank you to @schneidleraj, @mmm325, @krysta221, @tikunolam2pt0,
What's your advice or thoughts? How do you deal with the reunification process?
Alongside the professional experts (therapist, case manger, etc), Foster Dad and I have been focusing on a number of things while M is living with us. A few of them are:
- Teaching her about eating healthy
- Showing her what a safe home looks like and what to do if she doesn't feel safe.
I fear all our lessons will go right out the window as soon as reunification takes place in a few months.
EDIT {took out some details about how Bio Mom wasn't making the best choices during visits}
I knew this would be the hardest part. We've protected a child for months and to send her right back into
So I asked the foster parents of twitter-verse in 140 characters or less how they cope with the stress of the reunification process? Their answers has helped them through the high and lows and are located below the bow.
Thank you to @schneidleraj, @mmm325, @krysta221, @tikunolam2pt0,
@RichHefty and @missionminded25 for sharing!
What's your advice or thoughts? How do you deal with the reunification process?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Family Drama with Bio Mom
-Post by Foster Mom
M's Bio Mom recently set up strict boundaries with her immediate family because they were more harm than good.
She has no one.
The one person who brought her comfort in days past, got taken from her.
And is now living in my home.
Hugging me daily.
Whispering her preschool secrets in my ear.
When she falls at the playground, I'm the one she cries for.
And I comfort her.
I can't imagine the heartache Bio Mom has endured.
She's been in foster care,
on the streets,
survived gang fights,
domestic violence,
fought for her life
and now this.
It was enough to challenge her to get her act together, and make some positive changes.
Good changes. Changes that need to happen for her to get her daughter back.
A few months ago I was talking on the phone with M's mom. Our conversation was transparent, loving and respectful. We talked about our concerns and shared updates.
During our phone call Bio Mom showed me a glimpse into their past.
I could hear the pain and fear in her voice.
I felt honored that she is starting to trust me and that I could try to be an encouragement to her.
She told me she was happy M was spending Christmas with us...
We aren't related by blood, so her words caught me off guard. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true.
Sometimes I get frustrated with Bio Mom and her crusty choices she's made in the past. Trust me, there's plenty of family drama.
But then there are times I'm left in awe. Like the time she put together a HUGE Halloween party (without having any money) for everyone in her program and the kids, so M could have a special visit. Bio Mom even thought of Foster Dad and I and gave us homemade cookies. Don't worry, we weren't poisoned. I've watched enough Lifetime movies to know I need to let Bio Mom eat her cookie first. There were games, costumes, decorations and even some of M's favorite ghetto, hip hop music (we are working on that).
I don't condune the choices Bio Mom has made in the past that has resulted in M being placed with us. But I am fully confident Bio Mom has made huge positive changes and is growing healthier everyday.
I'm beyond grateful we have a growing relationship with her and am thankful we are family through love. Plus, I'd hate to be on her bad side...
M's Bio Mom recently set up strict boundaries with her immediate family because they were more harm than good.
She has no one.
The one person who brought her comfort in days past, got taken from her.
And is now living in my home.
Hugging me daily.
Whispering her preschool secrets in my ear.
When she falls at the playground, I'm the one she cries for.
And I comfort her.
I can't imagine the heartache Bio Mom has endured.
She's been in foster care,
on the streets,
survived gang fights,
domestic violence,
fought for her life
and now this.
It was enough to challenge her to get her act together, and make some positive changes.
Good changes. Changes that need to happen for her to get her daughter back.
A few months ago I was talking on the phone with M's mom. Our conversation was transparent, loving and respectful. We talked about our concerns and shared updates.
During our phone call Bio Mom showed me a glimpse into their past.
I could hear the pain and fear in her voice.
I felt honored that she is starting to trust me and that I could try to be an encouragement to her.
She told me she was happy M was spending Christmas with us...
"After all, we're family" Bio Mom said.
We aren't related by blood, so her words caught me off guard. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true.
Sometimes I get frustrated with Bio Mom and her crusty choices she's made in the past. Trust me, there's plenty of family drama.
But then there are times I'm left in awe. Like the time she put together a HUGE Halloween party (without having any money) for everyone in her program and the kids, so M could have a special visit. Bio Mom even thought of Foster Dad and I and gave us homemade cookies. Don't worry, we weren't poisoned. I've watched enough Lifetime movies to know I need to let Bio Mom eat her cookie first. There were games, costumes, decorations and even some of M's favorite ghetto, hip hop music (we are working on that).
I don't condune the choices Bio Mom has made in the past that has resulted in M being placed with us. But I am fully confident Bio Mom has made huge positive changes and is growing healthier everyday.
I'm beyond grateful we have a growing relationship with her and am thankful we are family through love. Plus, I'd hate to be on her bad side...
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