White Milk, Drama and a Broken Heart

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In the 10 minute car ride home from preschool, M and I have some of our best conversations.

She hops in the car and the first words out of her mouth are always about what she ate that day.  Followed by:
I picked white milk today. WHITE MILK! Isn't that SUCH a healthy choice?! Aren't you soooo proud of me? I made such a gooooood choice. Yum!

I tell her I'm soooo proud and (in my mind) praise the school for only offering white milk as a drink option.

After I hear about her the school's healthy food choices she usually rats people out.

Drake had to sit in the blue time out chair today. He threw blocks at someone.

Missy said she has a boyfriend. I want one, but  I'm not 15. I'm only 4.

Ms. Tina called Jake a baby because he cried.

After filling me in on all the school drama, she tells me about all the fun activities she did.

I played with sticks. I ate lunch, and had white milk.  We sang songs. I played dolls. My baby was soooo sick and had to go to the hospital.

Every time I express my concern for the baby and asked why she was sick? M never gives a response.

After a few weeks of her doll being horribly sick, M finally answered my question.

My baby is sick because she has a broken heart. Nothing can fix it.

Her heart is broken...forever.

I try to get more details...Why did her heart break? What happened? But never get a response.  I turn on kid songs and she giggles and sings the rest of the way home...as I pray God heals the broken hearted.

A Grieving, Tattle Tale, Cry Baby

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Thank you friends and blog readers for your kind emails, prayers and support. We really appreciate it! The day after we heard the horrible news, I was crying on and off throughout the day.
At random times.
It was awkward. 

I would be laughing with a friend over lunch and the next second crying because I drank all my soda. I was a blubbering cry baby...with no soda.
Tragic.

At preschool M and I sat across from a mom hurling insults at her 3-year-old. The woman was yelling at her daughter because she wasn't drawing a triangle properly. She then started violently shaking her little girl to get her to pay attention.

This isn't the first time I've witnessed this behavior from this woman.  If she couldn't pull it together for 15 minutes at school, I can't even begin to imagine whats truly happening at home.

M sat there in silence, observing the relationship between mother and daughter. I said to the woman people at our table "This is absolutely ridiculous..." as tears rolled down my checks and I ran outside to hide in the corner.

I pulled myself together enough to head back inside to give M a hug and say my goodbyes.  On the way out I said to one of the teacher assistants:

I'm sorry, but Triangle Mom (name has been changed) is out of control. It is NOT okay to act like that.

She put her hand on my shoulder and responded: It's okay, we have a few moms like that.

 "We have a few moms like that..."
What the heck does that mean?! It's okay to be verbally abusive and shake your kid until they cry because other moms do it too?! This is the LAST thing M needs to be around right now...

The incident at preschool was the tipping point.

I was sad that M saw Triangle Mom hurt her child.
I was drained from endless phone calls with social workers and therapists.
and I was grieving.
M had lost her childhood before she was even born....

And I'm not sure the court cares.  To them, she's just another number.
And at preschool, it's just another mom.

How do we help children when all the odds are against them?

Walking Through The Storm

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Sunday we got some gut wrenching news.
The type of news that makes you want to throw up, punch someone and seriously question our court system and their theories on "protecting" children.

I haven't exactly processed through all the emotions yet.  My days continue to carry on and the tears are flowing less.  I'm thankful for a loving God who has caught every tear I've cried.

My heart is torn but through this I've found strength, love and comfort...and I know I can't attribute that to anything but God.

M is courageous.
Beautiful.
Strong.
She's sleeping safely under her covers, and that's what matters.

We've been able to shelter her from harm for almost four months now and I'm honored God entrusted her to us during this time of rebuilding...
Rebuilding her life and family.

This new info came at possibly the worst time for M's mom.
Bio Mom's been dealing with a lot and making huge strides with her counselor.  In the past, she would run when it gets hard and revert back to her old ways. So my prayer is that this hard to hear info. doesn't set Bio Mom back but that she can find strength and love to get through it.

I know this is vague and I hope you can respect our reasons for doing so...but please keep Bio Mom, M and us in your prayers as we walk through this storm together.

Parenting With Love and Logic

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Clearly I'm no expert on parenting. I'm four months in and struggling to stand...but, I have found comfort in our parenting classes. Foster Dad and I have been taking a Love and Logic Parenting class to get certification credits.  I wanted to highlight some key points we gained from the class.

We learned a lot but think M may have learned more from our new parenting techniques.

1. Give Them Choices You Can Live With
 Example) Your child's room is a mess. Instead of being Ms. Bossy pants you can say "Would you rather clean your room now or before dinner?" The child feels in control of the situation, and you'll be happy with either outcome.

Scene: M is in her room playing with her mom and daughter barbies. I am secretly listening in on the action.

Barbie, do you want carrots or apples with your dinner?

Celery

No, no...celery wasn't one of the choices.  Apples or carrots? 

Carrots!

What a fabulous choice!

***

2. Deliver a strong does of empathy, before delivering the consequence of "bad news"
Children need to learn that their mistakes hurt them.  This does not happen when the adult gets angry. The child's attention should be on his or her own life and decision, instead of an adult's anger. You can respond with the same empathetic statement every time they do something wrong.
Example) I say "That's sooooo sad." or "Ohhh I'm so sorry__x__ happened."

Scene: M was playing with our dog

Apparently the dog was misbehaving because M was gently saying "Ohhhh that's sooooo sad. I'm soooo sorry.  Do you think eating my toy is a good choice?"

***

3. "You're Draining My Energy"
Example) A child has a long tantrum.  You can say "I'm sooo sorry that you feel that you are having a hard day. You know, it's really draining my energy because I have to watch you complain and whine for an hour, why don't you go act that way in your room."

Then later when the child wants to do something fun with you, you can respond "I would have loved to go play with you, but I still need to get my energy back."  So the logical consequence to them having a tantrum is they miss out on some fun play time.
 
Scene: M and I were playing in her room

M: You know, you are really draining my energy.

Foster Mom: Oh, I'm so sorry you feel that way. What did I do to drain your energy?

M: You asked me to brush my teeth last night.

 ***

Kids say the darndest things! It's nice to see our new techniques are making some form of an impact...even though she's using them on everyone else! M is a really smart kid and some of the things she comes up with are pretty amusing.

I highly recommend checking out the resources and attempting some of their suggestions. Every time we've used the Parenting with Love and Logic techniques properly, M has more responsibility and we have less stress which results in more family fun.

Resources:
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
The Parenting with Love and Logic book

4 Secrets about My Role as a Foster Mom

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The blog has been quiet for a few weeks.
I wish I had something amazingly beautiful to post... sorry, but I don't.
I've been trying. But I'm just. burnt. out.

(Side note: If you want something beautiful to read, check out Peter's words on why he's a foster parent... )

One of my major pet peeves is when people facebook cry. 

Facebook crying: When someone posts a dramatic status update about how hard their life is. Can often occur by quoting a depressing, yet vague song lyric to throw themselves a pity party via the internet.

My goal for this blog is to be honest and open about our journey.  For me, writing is therapeutic and I prefer to reflect on fluffy feel good moments but lately those moments are outweighed by my tears.

So dear friend, if you want to join my therapy session... continue reading.
Disclaimer: There may be some blog crying involved in this post.

*** 

4 Secrets about My Role as a Foster Mom

1. I'm just trying to survive.
Foster Dad and I are taking classes so we can get our yearly credits to keep our certification. Our classes are filled with foster parents desperately trying to figure out the right way to help a hurting child:

What do we do when my 7 year old foster kid refuses to use the toilet and take showers? He will only go potty in a diaper and isn't potty trained.

We are having a hard time bonding with our 14 year old child...he's been with us for a year. A therapist suggested we start bottle feeding him so we can feel connected because he missed out on building healthy attachments as an infant.

Nothing we do to discipline the child living with us, causes a change in her actions. We've tried taking her favorite toy away, time ins, early bed times, etc...Nothing we do will get a response from her because it's not as harsh as the physical abuse from her past.

My heart breaks every. single. day for these children who've been hurt, abandoned or neglected.  There's often crisis situations with foster kids and the foster parents are left wondering "HOW do I show this child love? How do I get through to them?" Google doesn't always have the right answers and it's not always easy figuring out what will work.  Survival mode.

2. I appreciate your nice words but I'm not a saint... not even close.

I often feel guilty because people call us saints.
If you only knew... 

I'm not much of a touch person.  You try to give me a side hug and I'll clumsily go for the hand shake. My hugs for M are intentional but not organic.


I can't imagine Mother Teresa reminding herself to hug a child.

3.  I'm emotionally exhausted.
One of my best friends in college often said that my best and worst quality is that I care too much about people and their pain becomes my own.

When M reveals apart of her story to me, I've learned how to respond properly but have shut myself off to fully understanding her trauma.  I feel like I'm turning heartless or numb towards the reality of M's former life situation. I can't even begin to imagine how much M's trauma has hurt her....


4.  I'm soooo thankful for supportive family and friends
I haven't talked to my best friend in weeks because she's super mom and I feel like a loser because I'm holding on for dear life.  Survival mode, remember?  

Thank you for calling anyways and being so encouraging...

I'm so grateful for everyone in my support system. Thank you for just listening to me ramble on and on, praying for me, and not judging me when I cry like a baby.

***

People often ask "Knowing what you know now about being a foster parent and the system, do you regret signing up for this?"

Unfortunately M doesn't have a choice about being placed in the foster care system. But I do and I don't regret it one bit.  For right now, Foster Dad and I feel like we are supposed to be foster parents, and sometimes the right things in life aren't always easy.

I will now leave you with a vague song lyric to complete my blog crying...

Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance.
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids' dance.

Please, go easy on me, or feel free to leave a Blog Comment cry. I'll pray for you and even give you a side hug if you need it :)