Big News & Our Next Steps

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-Post by Foster Mom

When we first decided to become foster parents, I secretly thought we would end up adopting our first placement.  It would be the start of our family...and God would use us to help a hurting child heal.  Perhaps I romanticized our roles as foster parents, but I don't think I did.  It just wasn't our story.

I'm sure if you are reading this, you've been apart of our 8 month journey as M was living with us.  As we started on this road to become foster parents we craved helping a child.  We wanted to show them unconditional love.  We wanted to teach them about second chances, hope and what a family looked like. 

But that was hard because M hardly let us parent her.  She had her mom and she missed her terribly. As their visits got more frequent, M pulled away more and more.  We talked to her therapist, case mangers and social workers...trying to figure out how to best create a connection.  The problem was, she has a mom and I'm not it.  She was scheduled for reunification and our long term role in her life was quickly fading.  We did the best we could do, gave her safety, stability and continued to show her what a family looked like.  Something shifted in our minds though. We felt like glorified babysitters...and we had to be okay with that. 

Don't get me wrong, we did have our special bonding moments.  We took her across the country with us during Christmas where she experienced snow for the first time.  We held hands and danced with princesses at Disneyland.  We giggled as we cooked dinner together often.

But the majority of our special moments would end quickly as she thought of her mom.  It was as if M had a constant battle in her mind as to where her loyalties were.  Her mom always won.

Because of that we battled manipulation.  She was constantly trying to be in control and hated anyone who gave her any type of consequences. On top of that...the consequences didn't even work. We went super nanny on her, we did time-ins, take aways, extra work...Nothing had an impact on her.  Our job as "parents" was getting harder. And M got worse and worse.

Foster Dad and I struggled during the placement and often wondered if we were heartless because we had a hard time connecting.  We wondered if we could truly love any child.

I remember one night we were at a training class and a family we had just met told us their struggle.   They have a biological child who they love and adore. But they struggled bonding with the foster child that was placed in their home.  The father said it was a constant struggle and left him feeling heartless. 

I felt as if God was whispering to me "it would be okay" and we aren't abnormal.

I realized that (for us) we just have a really tough placement and we do have the ability to truly love a child...a child we adopt or have biologically.  As we headed towards M going back to Bio Mom....we wondered what our next steps would be.

A month and a half before M returned to her mom, we found out we were pregnant! Now, I'm over 5 months pregnant and we are focusing on the next steps with our son.  Foster Dad and I decided to take a break from being foster parents for now. Maybe forever.  Maybe until our son grows a little older.

The other day at a party, I ran into the family we met at our training class and they told us some great news. The child they had a hard time bonding with reunified and now they have a new placement. They said the little girl placed with them is the best thing that ever happened to them.  The father said he's so in love with this child and feels as if they've always been together.

Imagine if they gave up as foster parents what they would have missed out on?  It still intrigues me...

What I've learned on this journey...
Every situation is different. Every child is different...and so is every parent.  Sometimes your ability to connect may be hindered by circumstances out of your control but it doesn't mean it's not possible.

I still have a heart towards adoption and foster children.  We just know our boundaries better and what we are capable of.

I am extremely thankful for all for your support and love during this journey!!
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In other news, I started a more public blog.  If you would like to stay connected please leave a comment with your email address or email me at fosterparentjourney@gmail.com and I will send you the link to the new blog.  I have loved having a community with you and sharing stories!  Occasionally I will continue to update and process some thoughts through this blog too. When I need to be anonymous I'll write here.  Thanks for reading and sharing your life with us!

Michael Jackson, Drowning and a Playdate with M

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-Post by Foster Mom (please ignore the mess, the blog is getting a makeover!)

A little less than 2 months has passed since M reunified with Bio Mom.  Since then, we’ve had a handful of conversations and they seem to be adjusting well.  We’ve always been upfront and have expressed interest in continuing a relationship with M….but during this transition we wanted to give them time and didn’t want to step on Bio Mom’s toes.  Bio Mom called one day and told us that M was looking at the photo album we gave her, really missed us and was ready to hang out.

A week later we got out the sand toys, juice boxes and beach chairs and loaded the car.  On the way to Bio Mom's group home, I prayed I wouldn't go into "investigator" mode and quiz M...but rather try to let things happen organically. 

And boy did they...

We knocked on the door and their stood the oldest looking 5 year old I've ever seen.  M had on a beautiful Easter dress, white high heels, her hair was weighed down with product and I could hardly see her face under all the makeup she had on.  Through the hugs and "hellos" I could see Foster Dad's confusion.

Foster Dad: You know we're going to the beach right?

M (shyly): Yeah I brought some beach clothes in my bag. I'm not going to drown right? 

Some things never change.

In the car ride M was nervous.

So was I.

Foster Dad told some jokes to make it less awkward...

which resulted in M saying about 40 times: You are sooooooo silly! He's sooooo silly!

It almost seemed like the M we remembered.

She then proceeded to tell us she saw Michael Jackson. The singer. Even though he's dead, she saw him. She feeds chocolate to the birds and misses her old room and our dog. She doesn't tell lies at her moms or do "inappropriate stuff". She eats super healthy - ranch and carrots.

M was spit balling randomness for about twenty minutes.  I just listened and thought about how different her life is.

She lives in a group home.  M shares a bedroom with her baby brother and her mom.  The crib is overflowing with clothes and toys because there's nowhere else to put them and Brother is left sleeping next to Bio Mom.  The majority of her toys and clothes she had at our house that we let her keep, aren't anywhere in to be seen.  Her mom still has a friendship with "crusty dad" even after the social workers and therapists advised against it.  Bio Mom has no job and no plans to get one anytime soon.  The facility they live at is great. They have rules and a house-mom who is solid.  Because of this, I know M is safe and will be okay.  

As we got to the beach M informed me they are moving on Friday. 

So much for the safety.

We got out the sand toys and M started playing. She wanted to be a seahorse named "M".  She asked me to be the Mom turtle.  M the Seahorse kept drowning, yelling and begging for someone to save her.  After play-saving her 5 times, I asked her if we could play something else.  She wanted to play house.  M the Seahorse was in bed and kept getting covered by sand and yelling "I can't breathe..I'm going to die."

Obviously, I'm not a therapist.  But I know it wasn't a good sign.

Foster Dad distracted her by flying a kite.  

I sat and reflected on how much has changed and how much hasn't. It was good to see her, but it was hard.  She arrived in our home acting over-sexualized, like an adult and fearful.  She left foster care learning to create healthy relationships with others and connect with peers...and she acted her age.  It broke my heart to see how fast those lessons have been unlearned.

I wish she was able to get adopted by a super awesome therapist that could help bandage up her wounds.  She's 5 and has been around too much, causing damage, that will take years of repair.  My prayer is that Bio Mom breaks the cycle for her children and gets the help little M deserves.  M has so many talents and strengths and holds endless possibilities in her hands. 

How do I feel after all of this?
It was great to see M for the day and lavish her with compliments and hugs. I think in the foster care system, the bar is set way to low as to how reunification is determined.  Minimal, the parents should go through all the training we had to go through to get certified.  M's Bio Mom has made a lot of positive changes while M lived with us, but more needed to happen prior to reunification.  My fear is that this will be a family in constant survival mode, living day to day....and the cycle continues....

Update our domain & big news coming soon

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Hi gang.
So we have some new updates
1. Tomorrow our website is changing to www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com
Please bookmark the change so you can stay in touch. We decided not to pay our current domain renewal.

2. Stay tuned for an update about when we spent the day with M.

3. Also stay tuned for a big announcement!
Coming soon at www.afosterparentjourney.blogspot.com