Michael Jackson, Drowning and a Playdate with M

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-Post by Foster Mom (please ignore the mess, the blog is getting a makeover!)

A little less than 2 months has passed since M reunified with Bio Mom.  Since then, we’ve had a handful of conversations and they seem to be adjusting well.  We’ve always been upfront and have expressed interest in continuing a relationship with M….but during this transition we wanted to give them time and didn’t want to step on Bio Mom’s toes.  Bio Mom called one day and told us that M was looking at the photo album we gave her, really missed us and was ready to hang out.

A week later we got out the sand toys, juice boxes and beach chairs and loaded the car.  On the way to Bio Mom's group home, I prayed I wouldn't go into "investigator" mode and quiz M...but rather try to let things happen organically. 

And boy did they...

We knocked on the door and their stood the oldest looking 5 year old I've ever seen.  M had on a beautiful Easter dress, white high heels, her hair was weighed down with product and I could hardly see her face under all the makeup she had on.  Through the hugs and "hellos" I could see Foster Dad's confusion.

Foster Dad: You know we're going to the beach right?

M (shyly): Yeah I brought some beach clothes in my bag. I'm not going to drown right? 

Some things never change.

In the car ride M was nervous.

So was I.

Foster Dad told some jokes to make it less awkward...

which resulted in M saying about 40 times: You are sooooooo silly! He's sooooo silly!

It almost seemed like the M we remembered.

She then proceeded to tell us she saw Michael Jackson. The singer. Even though he's dead, she saw him. She feeds chocolate to the birds and misses her old room and our dog. She doesn't tell lies at her moms or do "inappropriate stuff". She eats super healthy - ranch and carrots.

M was spit balling randomness for about twenty minutes.  I just listened and thought about how different her life is.

She lives in a group home.  M shares a bedroom with her baby brother and her mom.  The crib is overflowing with clothes and toys because there's nowhere else to put them and Brother is left sleeping next to Bio Mom.  The majority of her toys and clothes she had at our house that we let her keep, aren't anywhere in to be seen.  Her mom still has a friendship with "crusty dad" even after the social workers and therapists advised against it.  Bio Mom has no job and no plans to get one anytime soon.  The facility they live at is great. They have rules and a house-mom who is solid.  Because of this, I know M is safe and will be okay.  

As we got to the beach M informed me they are moving on Friday. 

So much for the safety.

We got out the sand toys and M started playing. She wanted to be a seahorse named "M".  She asked me to be the Mom turtle.  M the Seahorse kept drowning, yelling and begging for someone to save her.  After play-saving her 5 times, I asked her if we could play something else.  She wanted to play house.  M the Seahorse was in bed and kept getting covered by sand and yelling "I can't breathe..I'm going to die."

Obviously, I'm not a therapist.  But I know it wasn't a good sign.

Foster Dad distracted her by flying a kite.  

I sat and reflected on how much has changed and how much hasn't. It was good to see her, but it was hard.  She arrived in our home acting over-sexualized, like an adult and fearful.  She left foster care learning to create healthy relationships with others and connect with peers...and she acted her age.  It broke my heart to see how fast those lessons have been unlearned.

I wish she was able to get adopted by a super awesome therapist that could help bandage up her wounds.  She's 5 and has been around too much, causing damage, that will take years of repair.  My prayer is that Bio Mom breaks the cycle for her children and gets the help little M deserves.  M has so many talents and strengths and holds endless possibilities in her hands. 

How do I feel after all of this?
It was great to see M for the day and lavish her with compliments and hugs. I think in the foster care system, the bar is set way to low as to how reunification is determined.  Minimal, the parents should go through all the training we had to go through to get certified.  M's Bio Mom has made a lot of positive changes while M lived with us, but more needed to happen prior to reunification.  My fear is that this will be a family in constant survival mode, living day to day....and the cycle continues....